nonsensical's profile
AGE:
21
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 20
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 20
Writing can be nice, it can feel awful, mean, bitter, but usually compulsive. I’m curious to what others see, looking into the same mirror is a very sterile way of life.
I write because I think, and I think in pictures, where words come into play best. One word can create a world, and what a fun way to play.
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Version 1
2 Reviews
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Green eyes watched a pathetic reflection in the water. Edmund kept spitting thick, warm saliva into the toilet, waiting to vomit and wishing the morphine had its chance to absorb into his system. The taste of vitamins lingered in his throat, the vitamins that made him piss fluorescent sunshine, bringing along waves of nausea. Half an hour waiting, stuck with worries, strange guilt, stolen morphine, a sly attack on a relationship, but nothing happened. Finally the screeching at the back door b...
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This gets your feelings during an illness or disease across, except if you hadn't mentioned that in reviewer notes, it could be a series of emotions brought by any difficult encounter. Honestly, as a poem, this is not great. Basically, it's just a series of words repeated, describing bad things. There is no form at all, and while that could be acceptable, with just one word descriptions, it basically sounds like a rant. "Ignore. Pain. Discussion, Ignore, Ignore, Mother, Father, Home I grew up...
Interesting premise and overall idea. However, most of the story spends time describing the driver's feelings about the drive, and the descriptions seem incredibly long compared to the action (which is mostly limited to the last paragraph). Your description of feelings and thoughts are very well done. The driver is a relateable character in his desire for that small escape, and the story creates a shocking but believable outcome--during his only peace, the worst occurs, a betrayal by other dr...
Perfect form, except for the second to last line, which has one more syllable than the other lines (11 instead of 10. Maybe 'infinite' would work better, since it fits the syllables, and it is a more appropriate description of the 'view' you mentioned. The imagery is descriptive, strong. "Pluck you from the undertow" and "armor is shed" both offer great poetic metaphors. "How illusion may create something true?" Is a little confusing. I think if 'illusion' and 'may (or replaced with can)' wer...
Poetry is meant to be emotional, descriptive, and metaphorical. You have found a great way to fit all of these into your poem, and the writing is actually quite well done. Though not a metered poem, it fits pretty closely into a rhythm, and, as you mentioned, for usually doing free verse, a structured stanza and rhyme scheme can be quite a challenge. This is very well written for a free verse poet. My concerns mainly arise with the voice of the poem. Stanza's 3, 4, and 5 refer to another pers...
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