neoprose's profile
AGE:
20
LOC: Australia
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 09
LOC: Australia
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 09
our raison d’être is nothing but a cataclysmic spectrum of broken leaves…
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I Lay soft, the morning fog; in dreams of the astral ones. Pouring over the naked earth in assumption that it’s reaching transparency will hide the pregnant savagery that lies dormant as two breathing bodies are covered under the foggy deluge. Morning sun abated the warmth from our touch, drawing out skeletal figures with thorns in the air. Tree of heaven-- grasping for tired strands of breath our mouths sparingly recycle. I was yet to understand the affinity of dying leaves and the naked dye...
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I Standing so young amongst spires of stone, of brindle-work faded etched effigies -- cravings of sex, cigarettes and celluloid gave humanity unto the pew silence. short. fleeting. Timelessness; bound bronzing knees, bound by the droning of silence of silence, droning, of silence, droning how handsome it must appear: in humble judgment. Trying to hide the blood dried under my fingernails of thoughts the scars; wizened glances appear-- while they all burn to their service, behind the gossamer ...
Version 1
1 Review
5 Comments
I The writing was on the wall wedged betwixt shadow and trace lines of neon flashes. foreign characters of “Snel gaan nergens -- de toestand nergens snel” what did the signage read? of intoxication. crowded taxi chamber choirs of “wie sieht es mit Ihrer Währung -- einerseits das Lächeln” And so I sat those nights, between lingual patrons self serving to star silver grapes skins of ethyl blood wrapped around their feet, like the bees hunger for sexed chrysanthemums. II Never thinking how the e...
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Reviews
A little tip: "It has to be looked at as a poem written by someone who was an eyewitness, late; and that too, only through the media." That is the worst way to come across to an audience. Let the poem speak for itself, if you need to instruct the audience how to approach it, then the poem has failed. "1.Avent" - the opening catches the eye. "Touched my cheek. Dry. Nary a drop?! Nein." - interesting closing, nice wit. "is caught on celluloid - The buildings became branches in a storm. " - if y...
The first thing that stuck out was this line: "Fantastical in the face of the mundane" and it isn't a good thing. "Fantastical"? Come on, high school is over, and mundane means earthly; not boring or nonchalant, as you have insinuated. The repetition of "To you" and then again of "The way" seems like the poem isn't really going anywhere, more like you are trying to stress something but it comes across as overbearing. And that it is how it came across.
Not really a fan of such overbearing religiosity, nor or the rhyme scheme. That put it off to a bad start [IMO]. But, since there wasn't any really outstanding imagery to cloak the pretension, it read as more droning then interesting. On the short: cut the capitalization of words that aren't proper nouns- it comes across as pretentious. And break free of the over used rhyme scheme. That is all.
50.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
"Please be aware this is the first story I have ever written. Also my grammar couldn’t get any worse I need to change my no comma policy. Oh and after posting this some of the paragraphs broke apart. They are still in correct order but one paragraph may have become two for whatever reason." I suggest you get these into order, then repost the item. That way you can get proper feedback.
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