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Sci Fi & Fantasy
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And the World Will Never Be the Same Again! - Scenes from a Comic Book Crossover
by snarfus
by snarfus
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music1358's profile
AGE:
48
LOC: Australia
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 13
LOC: Australia
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 13
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Items
Version 1
4 Reviews
0 Comments
A woman sits on a park bench. The sun is just starting to fall into the dark earth. She watches it, waiting. Already the young couples have started to feel the cold, slinging together as much for warmth as love. The ducks, sensing that there will be little feeding left; start to scud across the water, black and slick from the afternoon. The pigeons are still about, as they always are, their bullying and hungry shrieking hurting her tired ears. It was then that she dec...
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Version 1
5 Reviews
2 Comments
CAKE STALLS AND RAFFLES<!--StartFragment--> Don’t look at me like that. I know it’s hard to believe that an old lady, all purple rinse and orthopaedic stockings, could be a master criminal. I know it sounds funny. But it’s true, nevertheless. If you can keep a secret I’ll tell you about my latest caper. You know I like to visit the old dears in the nursing homes around the area. Some people call me an angel but I’m no angel. I was sitting with ...
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Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
CHAPTER THREE<!--StartFragment--> School. Colin was staring out the window looking at the cars parked in the teachers car park. Amongst the battered old Toyotas and new Suzuki’s was a hot car. A Ford, with spoilers and wide tyres, with flames painted down the sides. It is Mr. Green’s car. He is a new teacher this year, replacing Ms Fowler while she has her baby. He is a cool guy. Rad hair, ear -rings and a pierced nose. Not like Mrs. Morgan. Wouldn’t it be...
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Version 1
18 Reviews
1 Comment
The room was in darkness. The only light came from under the bed - the faint glow of a boy’s watch, its fading green hands like insect eyes. Even though he couldn’t see them he knew they were there. Adam and the Ants looking tough in his warrior paint. Boy George and the band smiling down at Daniel, sadness a hint in their eye shadow. The boy had few possessions but his music and the radio gave him solace. He was torn between pulling himself out from under the safe haven of ...
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Version 1
11 Reviews
8 Comments
CHAPTER TWO<!--StartFragment--> Colin is lying in his bed clutching his Dragon’s quilt (his favourite footy team) and muttering “why me” over and over when he observes in the mirror hanging on his wall, next to the map of the solar system, the girls’ face suddenly appear. It is a funny looking face. Apart from the obvious fact that there should not be a face there in the first place, the black glasses she wears and bright Silver Star in the middle of ...
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Reviews
The story is good, the writing's good, it's just way too fast. Too much crammed in so you can't breathe. IT doesn't quite have enough snappy dialogue ( but it does have some) to carry it this fast. Could you do a bit more character study? Could you have more flashbacks? I just don't feel it is realistic enough. Like his reaction to a snuff movie??? Good ending. I think if you cut out parts of it and extended others, like the tracking scenes and the bar scene this would work really well.
"turn to" "felt" "could have been" You don't need to tell me you asked. No one else is there. "clung" (no was) "wandered" "could have" "shielded" "am I?" "boyfriend's" "accomplish""stake" "spilled" Not bad.
"We overlooked . . ." could be tidier. "unique look" can go. Maybe have it chase a butterfly-the irony of the pup being a hunter while it is being hunted would be interesting. "When I turned thirteen . . . find" is a great idea but it lacks punch. Can it be set in the present past. Just have her visit without the meditation? I didn't like the mittens thing. It's her birthday!! She should be happier. You could take the storekeeper bit a little slower, give more info and have more interaction. ...
It was well written and the language used was an odd mix of religiosity and urban dialect. I didn't really find it funny but then I don't really have much of a sense of humour. I think it could have worked better with more dialogue and less descriptive passages. I got that the Sister Superior was a nasty piece of goods in the first two pars.
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