mountianGranny's profile
AGE:
48
LOC: Cedaredge, CO
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 22
LOC: Cedaredge, CO
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: August 22
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Version 2
13 Reviews
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Current Day She watched in disjointed fascination as the warm blood ran down her left hand and pooled onto the crumpled Book of Kells tapestry. The knife lay at the foot of the credenza where she had thrown it in disgust. The acrid mix of his cigar and the spilled whiskey pinched at her nose. With the click of the CD changer, the eventful silence was broken. “How fitting,” she murmured as “The Point of No Return” from The Phantom of the Opera wafted from the living room. She turned and slowly...
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Version 1
20 Reviews
1 Comment
Current Day She watched in disjointed fascination as the warm blood ran down her left hand and pooled onto the crumpled Book of Kells tapestry. The knife lay at the foot of the credenza where she had thrown it in disgust. The acrid mix of his cigar and the spilled whiskey pinched at her nose. With the click of the CD changer, the eventful silence was broken. “How fitting,” she murmured as “The Point of No Return” from The Phantom of the Opera wafted from the living room. She turned and slowly...
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I really like the premis of your story. Children's books aren't usually this complex. You may want to not switch tenses in the same story for simplicity or change dialog styles. E.g.: "I told him my name was Sam." It would possibly flow better in your dialog series to just say, "Sam." I would suggest you leave the older character strong by getting rid of the "Oh, well" in this sentence "Oh, well that is called the blues,” and switch "That is" to "It's". I really like this sentence but you may...
Good premise. Probably a good draft, too. Polish up your grammar and maybe make a few more distinctions as to who is actually speaking for clarity and it will read better. For example, your last paragraph is mumbled and jumbled. Clarify and separate and it will be better. I do like you went from slow and intriguing to fast-paced action. :-)
I'm not sure if this is in typical haiku form, but it's very visually pleasing!
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