morganstj's profile

The premise of the story is good, but it needs tightening. EXAMPLE: For once she had let herself feel things that she thought were lost, and somehow he’d gotten to her. Tighter: Somehow he'd gotten to her, and she allowed herself to feel things long forgotten. Watch the use of "ly" words and passive statements. Frequently the "had" can be eliminated unless it is necessary to the telling of the story to indicate it happened in the past. Can the reader assume that? EXAMPLE: She had learned a lo...

The first paragraph is very powerful and the visuals immediately pop into one's mind. However the second paragraph can be tighter. The word spelled bear should be bare. EXAMPLE: I believe "I reached for the post of the bed from which I came." would read better as simply, "I reached for the bedpost." While "The bed knobs rust scorned the living flesh my hand offered—iron met iron." may draw a graphic I think it is too wordy. Since quite often word count is king, "Iron met iron." says almost th...