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morganellen0157's profile
AGE:
22
LOC: Sanbornville, NH
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: January 13
LOC: Sanbornville, NH
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: January 13
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Into this suit case, the empty one that was supposed to hold your dreams, I pack your life; everything you’ve acquired so far. Let me first comment on the suit case itself: it’s very nice, black with matching smooth and shining liner. Really would have been great for housing dreams. It’s too bad, I do suppose its quite too late for that just now – now that it’s been filled with all these things. On the bottom I laid the framed portrait you gave to me, the one of yourself. Smiling with huge te...
Version 1
9 Reviews
1 Comment
As the bus rattled and rocked down the dirt road, she fiddled with the strap of her purse just like she always did when she was deep in thought. Twisting and bending it so often that now the edges of the thin pleather were creased and cracking. She thought of her mother’s voice, telling her over and over again that she needed to purchase a new one; her response had always been the same: “No Emma,” she would glance down at the raw, tan strap, “I like this one,” she stroked it gently, “we’ve b...
Version 1
10 Reviews
7 Comments
if they called those in white in the white if they told of the red the red in the lights the red in the light if they told of the black on the black in the black how the blue didn’t find the blue in the black on the black with the red in the light and the red in the lights said the white in the white would you come show white to the white would you look at the red in the bed on the head would you look on the past or has it passed is there black over black where the blue oh so blue was in our ...
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There are some strong images here - however, I question whether or not it is a sonnet. As far as I know, regardless of the sonnet style, the piece should be written in iambic pentameter (ten syllables per line, accented and then soft alternating). You follow the rhyme scheme fairly closely to that of a sonnet, but other than that I think it may just be a poem. As well written poem, I will add. Nice job.
This sounds like a wonderful idea! I like that the introduction paragraph addresses all of the issues you want to incorporate later on in the story. I like the idea of the "anti-climax" where something happened, not in the story, but everything in the story is, for the most part, based around that event. I think you could utilize that here! The death of his parents is the anticlimax, but we don't really know what happened, and somehow it is still affecting the lives of the characters. Wonderf...
"I don’t like this volume of silence. It’s distracting, and overpowering. It’s discouraging, and menacing." I love this phrase. It makes silence so vivid! I am not sure that I feel comfortable being critical as this is a journal/diary entry and I don't think those should be judged. However, I think that you have a very interesting concept here, and obviously a nack for explaining what is in your head...perhaps this musing could be the basis of a some form of fiction writing...whether poetry o...
This is really wonderful, but I think that it can be expanded. Beth is such a vivid character, you have done an excellent job of developing her - and all of you other characters. I do have some suggestions, though. There are some tansitions here that are a little bit fuzzy...speaking as the reader, it would be helpful to rework these a little bit. Here are the sections and the problems I see as they are written now. "...SUNGLASSES COMPLETING THE COVERUP SHE GRABBED HER BAG AND HEADED OUT TO H...
I think this is one of the longest sentences I have ever seen in my life... "What was going on in him, in black of night by the waterhole, was monstrous in its complexity, equations of theological thought requiring his entire mind to balance above the abyss of a dark insanity: God as the eternal Oneness, forever locked in holy stasis, measured against the totality of Man, fizzling under infinite variables…from dirt under raw-edged fingernails to Pandora’s hope as the last evil in the world." ...
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