What drew me to this was the title so that is a great starting point. For me the opening excerpt doesn't work. It gives me the impression that I'm going to read the work of a bitter and depressed woman which is an immediate turn off and probably isn't even the case in this instance. I think you should use an excerpt that tells the reader this is not the story of another bitter woman. Also you talk about turning into a corporate slut but what exactly does that term mean. I don't think it shoul...

I like the way the story doesn't beat around the bush and goes right into the action, however I just want a little more details. I appreciate the mysteriousness of the back story of the characters but I would like to know what was the argument that the main character had with the woman who killed herself. I want to know a little more of their story. I also appreciate the exposition of the relationship between the characters. It's not until the end of the story do you know how the main charac...

"coming directly from the bad beneath my grasp." Typo should be bag. "I thanked for his story..." word missing here. Otherwise very tight story, but I do have some suggestions. The description of the neep could be shortened (just a suggestion) and I thought the end could have been expanded or if you don't want to expand the end (which I can understand why you would want to end it just the way you did), perhaps expand on the character description of the Stranger in the beginning of the story s...

"My best friend’s banging on her bathroom door startles and concerns me." This throws the reader off as we don't realize (until later) that you are in your friend's bathroom. Other than that no other issues jump out at me. The story flows well and the subject matter is something that I can relate to on a personal level since I have my own suicide attempt story. Since this is the first chapter of a book my question is where is the story is going? What is here now reads more like a self contain...

First any camera direction in a screenplay is always inappropriate. It is the Director's job to determine how a scene is shot. Having said that there are ways to direct a camera without explicitly saying so. Instead of EXTREME CLOSEUP of Felicity's eyes you can say Distress contorts Felicity's eyes or something along those lines. Cut out all the "We hear" and "We sees" It's the mark of an amatuer. Instead of "We can HEAR a heavy body being dragged against the carpet…We hear sounds of Felicity...

I didn't know there was a such thing as review stats either but now that I know I'm curious to find out what my number is, probably low as well since I like to comment on things like structure and verb tense agreement. Since my writing style is kind of matter-of-fact I always appreciate a painfully honest critique. I'm one of the ones who realizes that it only makes you better as a writer, especially since grammar isn't my strongest point. Comma rules confuse me along with just about every ot...

"She got straight A’s without being asked, and juggled a full time after..." Missing the word job. And in the same sentence the number seven should be spelled out. "Although she led a rather unordinary life, continuing to both study at school.." I would switch both and study so it reads continuing to study both at school.. only because while reading I stumbled over the phrasing here. But those are all little things. This is extremely well written and well organized and the story though somewh...

I would suggest consulting a screenwriting book for proper formatting. The scene headings are not written correctly. Furthermore a scene doesn't end with End of scene. Characters aren't properly introduced. "CAMERA shows what Shane sees." This should be written as Shanes POV. Camera direction is never appropriate in a screenplay. There are a lot of typos and improper use of homonyms. for example your as opposed to you're. As for story content this is just not compelling at all as a love story...

...being bias towards men." typo s/b biased "But they have to fight, and to endure the battles." -awkward sentence and out of place. There are several other typos and instances where the sentence structure is off. I would suggest you edit those areas. I'm not sure who the target audience for this is. Agents will probably not see this as they are accustomed to query letters. In general the piece itself says nothing about the originality about the book you completed. What makes your story more ...

I was confused at to location and whether not there was actual talking or voice over in some instances. For example. Are the letters being read in the beginning voice over or are they speaking as they're writing them? Later you place Patrick and Sofia (I would like some kind of indication of their age, are they young adults, 20's 30's?) together in a bedroom but later their conversation seems to indicate that he isn't there, that they're talking on the phone. Patrick says "I'll be there in se...