moorelaculous has no favorites yet.
moorelaculous's profile
AGE:
28
LOC: North Hollywood, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: March 11
LOC: North Hollywood, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: March 11
2006 Disney Screenwriting Fellowship Recipient
2007 Words and Music finalist for the essay I Am Moorish American made better by Urbis feedback.
Future Academy Award Winner for Best Original Screenplay
Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
INT. LIVING ROOM -- DAY The thirty-year-old MAN's face glistens with sweat. He pulls his homemade noose around his neck and then, without a moment's hesitation, jumps off the stool knocking it over. The man's face turns red as he struggles for an uncomfortably long amount of time, his body jerking violently. All of a sudden there is a THUNDEROUS RUMBLING. The room begins to shake violently, freakishly in sync with the mans twitches. The lights flicker. Suddenly the ceiling collapses, taking t...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
ADE IN: EXT. JUNGLE -- DAY Soaked to the skin LEONARD looks up into the darkened sky. He breathes heavily as the rain pours down upon him. He turns to look behind him. Bright sunshine peeks through the trees near the edge of the jungle. Leonard looks longingly in the direction of the sun. He takes a step towards it when he hears a MAN's VOICE. MAN'S VOICE You can't go back. Leonard whips around toward the sound of the voice coming face to face, with himself-a physical manifestation of his sub...
Version 4
5 Reviews
0 Comments
FADE IN: INT. BEDROOM -- DAY Four-year-old SIMON lies asleep on his side in his bed. A broad smile lights up his cherub-like face. A drop of water plops onto his closed eyelid and rolls down his nose, followed by another. The sound of SNIFFLES offscreen. Simon's distraught eighteen-year-old mother ANYA looks down at her son. She sits beside Simon and then gently wipes her tears from his face. She begins to murmur over and over again. ANYA I'm sorry. Her shoulders shake as she becomes more emo...
Version 2
1 Review
0 Comments
FADE IN: INT. BEDROOM -- DAY Four-year-old SIMON lies asleep on his side in his bed. A broad smile lights up his cherub-like face. A drop of water falls onto his closed eyelid and rolls down his nose, followed by another. The sound of SNIFFLES offscreen. Simon's distraught eighteen-year-old mother ANYA looks down at her son. She sits beside Simon and then gently wipes her tears from his face. ANYA I'm sorry. She murmur's it over and over again. FADE OUT INT. HIGH SCHOOL COUNSELOR'S OFFICE -- ...
Version 1
3 Reviews
2 Comments
FADE IN: INT. BEDROOM -- DAY Four-year-old SIMON lies asleep on his side in his bed. A broad smile lights up his cherub-like face. A drop of water falls onto his closed eyelid and rolls down his nose, followed by another. The sound of SNIFFLES offscreen. Simon's distraught eighteen-year-old mother ANYA looks down at her son. She sits beside Simon and then gently wipes her tears from his face. She begins to murmur over and over again. ANYA I'm sorry. Her shoulders shake as she becomes more emo...
[ View all items ]
Reviews
I was confused at to location and whether not there was actual talking or voice over in some instances. For example. Are the letters being read in the beginning voice over or are they speaking as they're writing them? Later you place Patrick and Sofia (I would like some kind of indication of their age, are they young adults, 20's 30's?) together in a bedroom but later their conversation seems to indicate that he isn't there, that they're talking on the phone. Patrick says "I'll be there in se...
...being bias towards men." typo s/b biased "But they have to fight, and to endure the battles." -awkward sentence and out of place. There are several other typos and instances where the sentence structure is off. I would suggest you edit those areas. I'm not sure who the target audience for this is. Agents will probably not see this as they are accustomed to query letters. In general the piece itself says nothing about the originality about the book you completed. What makes your story more ...
I would suggest consulting a screenwriting book for proper formatting. The scene headings are not written correctly. Furthermore a scene doesn't end with End of scene. Characters aren't properly introduced. "CAMERA shows what Shane sees." This should be written as Shanes POV. Camera direction is never appropriate in a screenplay. There are a lot of typos and improper use of homonyms. for example your as opposed to you're. As for story content this is just not compelling at all as a love story...
"She got straight A’s without being asked, and juggled a full time after..." Missing the word job. And in the same sentence the number seven should be spelled out. "Although she led a rather unordinary life, continuing to both study at school.." I would switch both and study so it reads continuing to study both at school.. only because while reading I stumbled over the phrasing here. But those are all little things. This is extremely well written and well organized and the story though somewh...
[ View all reviews ]
Favorites
People














