mijosy's profile
AGE:
32
LOC: Guadeloupe
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 03
LOC: Guadeloupe
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 03
I discover a new hobby a few month ago, well I never shared before. So help me progress into a better writer. No need saying English is not my first language.
Probably, well spotted. I am trying anyway
Items
Version 3
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<!--StartFragment--> <!--StartFragment--> Ring Ring a Roses
Pocket full of Uzis
A shooting! A shooting!
They all fall down No childhood Hid behind the hood,
Gun shot! Knife crimes,
No more children learning rhymes
They want to rule,
Thinking they ‘re so cool. Ring Ring a Roses
Pocket full of Uzis
A shooting! A shooting!
One more down. Mother and Father in despair
Children not paying any fair,
Is it fair?
Children in prison lair....
Version 2
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Ring ring a roses pocket full of uzies A shooting! A shooting! They all fall down No more childhood Children hidden behind the hood, Gun shot! Knife crimes, Not more children learnings rhymes They want to rule, Thinking they are so cool. Ring ring a roses pocket full of uzies A shooting! A shooting! One more down. Mothers and Fathers in despair Children not paying any fair, Is it fair? spending their childhood in a prison lair. Ring ring a roses pocket full of uzies A shooting! A shooting! An...
Version 2
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Next... Next... Heartache! Next... Next... disapointment, Next! Love is not loved anymore, a feeling of human nature, but some supernatural way of feeling pain, Next... I won't feel anything anymore...
Version 1
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London 7,5 million people. A multicultural city where ethnicity takes a new meaning. Black women singing and dancing to Bollywood tunes. A polish man with a French accent when speaking English, mixing Spanish and German to communicate to others. Italian dude playing the African Djembé in the tube, by the way he speak with a mixed of African and Italian accent. Truly, something is happening. A few years ago, foreigners came to London armed with the A to Z, now they come armed with English. Job...
Version 1
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Villepinte, Fontaine Mallet, one of these areas of Paris where they burn the cars, or bus stop. Tall buildings call HLM, acronym for Habitation à Loyer Modéré, (housing at moderated rents), thousands of families are packed there. It is usually for the immigrants or descents of immigrants and sometimes the odd French descent family, one or two; if they are more it is because they are mixed with some Europeans descents. La Cité is separated by a long road from Sevran Beaudottes to Vert Galant....
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Reviews
The title could have been better, i thought you could have done something more elaborate for such a beautiful poem. also it is very simple but very powerful at the same time. the beat is a bit in shamble as you start of with 3 lines, after one line and then with a block, was it in purpose? Maybe you should have a break after "evening". your strongest line are the last 3 lines.
I think you start off well, but you need to shorten it. Half way through I was not sure it was still the same poem. Ligne 16 17 are nice and very poetic. "Gesticulation is a too heavy word for this sentence as oppose to speeches. it will need a bit of redrafting.
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