If you don’t follow the “somebody else is doing way better than I am” philosophy you will be much happier.
Nobody forces you to follow it.
So don’t.
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / HOW TO BE HAPPY
HOW TO BE HAPPY
Perspective: it’s a beautiful word.
But in a beautiful world it seems we are all unhappy.
Tragically, stomach-shreddingly unhappy.
Surveys show that since the 1950s life in Europe has declined inexorably in terms of happiness, and this is despite the impolite lateness of a Third World War (which I’m sure George W Bush has plans to rectify). Yes, we are now richer than back then, as our real incomes per capita have risen; yes, more of us now own cars, DVD players and other white-good products; and yes, we are even better educated, with a greater proportion of our population holding degrees. Hell, we’re even LIVING longer!
But, despite such advances, it appears the majority of us remain unhappy.
Tragically, stomach-shreddingly unhappy.
What can we do about it?
I am one of those people who wakes up each day and 99% of the time feels the same as I did the last time I woke up: happy and bloody glad to be alive.
That’s me and I realise I can’t do much about my character.
But even I suffer moments of fear, sadness, worry, so how do I cope? How do I stay happy?
I’m not a psychologist or anything, but I’ve found using some of the following techniques useful, all of which are my own!
1. The Wizard of Oz moment -> limit your expectations as unrealistic aspirations will make you unhappy
Excluding the Wacko Jacko version, Wizard of Oz is a classic film, although the less said about strapping down the breasts of 16 year-old Judy Garland the better in my book (and it’s a bloody big book I can tell you).
One of my favourite scenes is where the film changes from olde worlde black and white to headbutting-Technicolour, the time where Dorothy opens the door to her house transported from Kansas to Oz (cheers cyclone!) and steps out into 1939 colour (color) for the first time. It’s a magical moment, marred only by the knowledge that the person who opens the door isn’t ACTUALLY Judy Garland (cheers DVD extras!). Still, this scene is fantastic and it illustrates a marvellous transformation.
Unfortunately, one reason so many are not happy is because of absurdly-high expectations and this marvellous transformation into Oz typifies this. I can remember turning 18 (back in 1836) and that precise day I believed as a pukka adult the world would now transform Oz-style from boring ‘can’t drink, can’t vote’ black and white to glorious ‘can drink, can vote’ Technicolor. My expectations of being a full-fledged member of the adult world were so high I couldn’t wait to get stuck into the joys of the adult world (principally girls).
For some reason I expected life to become infinitely more interesting, for every encounter and interaction to be so exciting, so memorable, so orgasmic as to be sprinkled with fairy dust. But think about it logically and it’s a stupid, irrational thought. Having an orgasm while sprinkled in fairy dust? Far too messy.
Consider the following:
Realistically, not even 1 out of 100 people reading this will be super-rich, a millionaire or billionaire like Bill Gates (still, he IS ginger, so he hasn’t got it all his own way.)
Realistically, not even 1 out of 100 people reading this will be super-beautiful, like Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt.
Realistically, not even 1 out of 100 people reading this will be super-famous along the lines of Paris Hilton or Princess Diana or Jesus Christ. But this is not as bad as it sounds – do we REALLY want another million Paris Hiltons? I don’t; I only own three bullets, and one’s got my name on so nobody can use it to shoot me.
Realistically, not even 1 out of 100 people will be super-intelligent, up there with Stephen Hawking or Albert Einstein or Simon Cowell (oops, that last one slipped through my Quality Control filter).
I only mention these points because being rich, beautiful, famous or intelligent are what most people want at some point in their lives. But it is VERY unlikely you will be any of these! So the sooner you realise this, the sooner you will reduce any unhappiness caused by having these aspirations.
Unfortunately, if you live in the UK or the US you are in a capitalist society and high aspirations are linked to consuming goods such as fancy cars, big TVs etc. And as consumption of expensive items are often pitched AS A WAY of making us feel happy this is dangerous, not only since people who derive happiness only through buying things will run out of money, but also, more importantly, because such people they will not learn to value non-material things, such as friends and family.
2. Book Different Seats In The House -> use different viewpoints to see how others feel as it helps put your unhappiness into perspective
Question: What happens when you go to the theatre or cinema or to a sports venue and sit in the best seat in the house?
Answer: You have the best viewpoint. But you also only have ONE viewpoint.
Anyone with a pulse is familiar with the idea of not being able to ‘see the wood for the trees’, being incapable of understanding the grand plan because of focussing too much on detail. And those in business understand the importance of the ‘helicopter view’, or seeing the big picture of a problem rather than its detail.
These two approaches are opposite views.
Sometimes seeing the detail is what is required, examining with ever deepening fervour the minutiae of some idea or some fact or figure; sometimes the capacity to see the general’s view of the battle is the requirement.
Yet being able to switch viewpoints allows you to see someone else’s point of view and doing this helps you to put your life into perspective since you will see that your problem is trivial in the grand scheme of things.
It’s the idea of walking down the street without any shoes and feeling miserable, until you see a person with no legs.
I know someone who every time they hear somebody else moaning or being miserable says this to them:
‘You’ve got your legs haven’t you?’
In other words, what problem HAVE you got to moan about? Any problem you have will be trivial since what problems can be worse than losing your legs? Not many! So stop being miserable and be happy because you HAVE got your legs.
When I was 17 or so I thought my life was going nowhere: I was a student studying subjects I was bored with, my love live was zero, I didn’t have any money, no car, no girl etc. I still lived with my parents and one Sunday morning I sat in the kitchen I told my dad I was depressed.
‘Come on,’ he said.
We drove to a cemetery.
He stopped the car in front of rows upon rows of graves. He didn’t say anything; he didn’t bloody need to. Eventually, after a suitable graveyard silence, he said:
‘See them? They would give ANYTHING to swap places with you. They would give anything to draw breath again, to feel the sun on their faces, to see our world.’
And with that we drove back. In silence.
He was saying, ‘They are dead but you are alive so what the FUCK have you got to be worried about?’
He was right.
What the fuck DID I have to be worried about? Nothing!
We are alive for 80 years, if we’re lucky. But we’re dead for the rest of eternity, which is a lonnnnng time.
The only way anyone can chance a glimpse at the shadow of eternity, to truly feel what being dead is like, is to listen to the greatest hits of Chris De Burgh. Only then will you know death; only then will you appreciate life.
If you always remember my graveyard story you will always realise that no matter what happens to you, you are still alive! One day you will be dead but – for now – you are still here, on this planet, drawing breath, enjoying the landscape, relishing the sounds of our universe. Unless you’re listening to Chris De Burgh – then you ARE fucked.
3. As Easy As ABC -> categorise your problems into major/minor
This is similar to the viewpoint idea only it takes it one stage further and tries to train you to categorise your worries as an A worry (major), a B worry (medium) or a C worry (minor).
Here’s a list of what such worries could be:
A list: death of partner/best friend/parents; divorce; near-fatal accident; nowhere to live; major court case against you
B list: lost your job; crashed your car; overweight; not enough qualifications
C list: miss the bus/train to work this morning; run out of coffee at home; late for work
Everyone’s idea of A-B-C will be unique, but the A worries are the ones you should give priority to because they have the potential to affect your life in the most significant way; conversely, the C worries are so trivial you should not be spending ANY time on them. Worrying about C worries is pointless and worrying excessively is bad for you!
I used to date a girl who was a worrier. She worried about EVERYTHING, from her sister’s marriage to starving Africans to whether her shoes matched her outfit on a Saturday night.
She drove me crazy.
Why? Well, she seemed to not be able to detach herself, she was like some kind of emotional sponge – a person who senses and soaks up everyone else’s problems and then treats them as her own. She was unable to see that other people have to solve THEIR problems – unless of course their problem impacts on your life in some way.
So, what I did was tell her of my A-B-C worry list technique. Every time she came to me to discuss something on her mind I tried, gently as first, to get her to analyse it: was it an A worry? Something life-threatening? Or a B worry, something sizeable not but a show-stopped? Or a C worry, something so trivial that nobody would waste their time on? And, gradually, she began to see that life’s problems and issues can be classed as A, B or C, and that most of them are Cs – things we should be able to dismiss. Oh, I’ve run out of milk. Like, so what?
Eventually she got the hang of it and now worries about very little. This make her happier because the worries that used to make her unhappy have vanished.
Practise this if you feel like it. Some of your own A-B-C will be unique to you and it will depend on your intelligence, experience of life, how risk-averse you are (eg flying scares some people witless), and whether you are naturally laid-back or one of those hyper types who never sit still. But the more you try to categorise, the better you will become; and the better you become the less you will worry; and the less you will worry the happier you will be!
4. The Terminator -> does it REALLY matter?
‘Look at it this way: in a hundred years, who’s gonna care?’
My final technique is inspired from a line at the start of The Terminator, which is one of my favourite actions films as I’ve already discussed in a previous blog (Die Hard and Indiana Jones are great too).
This technique is the ultimate way to stop you being unhappy and, therefore, to be happy.
If any bad situation comes along and I can’t see anyway around it, I think of the line above: in a 100 years time, who will care? Who will HONESTLY care? And the answer is nobody!
Take me: I’m an average joe in a dull job who is trying to escape via a novel I’m writing (The Void Sucker; Bardimax). I can’t say I enjoy any of my working day but I know that (a) I’m getting paid for it and (b) I get the evenings and weekends to myself. I could get all depressed about it and sometimes I do – it’s only natural. But when I feel a bit down I remind myself that death is the ultimate bummer, so anything less than this is a POSITIVE. Having a crap job is better than Cancer or AIDS and even these, while not top of my wish-list, are better than being dead, and having this positive mental outlook might help you deal with it.
It’s all about perspective.
It seems a glib remark but even with the death of your partner of your parents or other A worries, ULTIMATELY, it will not matter because life continues. I’m not saying it will be easy – of course it will not – but nevertheless it will continue and the pain will subside.
In a century from now everyone reading this will be dead (or very nearly). So, really, nothing we do in our lives matters – unless you are George W Bush with the power to nuke the world. And, therefore, nothing we are unhappy about really matters either. Sure, splitting up with a girl of your dreams will hurt, of course it will, and losing your job won’t be a barrel of laughs either. But if you can train yourself to understand that ultimately you have nothing to be unhappy about, then you will be happy!
‘Fuck it, who cares?’
These techniques are my own and I daresay a lot of you will think they are rubbish. Fair enough! If you don’t like them then create your own, or ignore mine.
But they have helped me. Yes, I am not a millionaire and don’t drive a Ferrari; yes I don’t look like Brad Pitt; and, yes, I don’t have an IQ of 190 and a Nobel Prize in my back pocket; but I AM happy. I am glad to be alive and try to enjoy the wonders of life when I can.
And so can you.
It’s about seeing where you really are, seeing that you are unique and possess your own unique talents and abilities.
Perspective.
It’s a beautiful idea, any 11-letter word is.
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metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 -
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At the end it should be “No, I am not a millionaire,” etc.
Section 4 seems pretty redundant.
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xo_youngpoet_ox reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked this piece! It’s clear that a lot of thought was put into it!
I don’t really have any constructive criticism other than, some of the sentences you might want to break down a bit, either into 2 separate sentences, or one with a comma. I can’t find a good example just quickly looking back over it, but it’s just a general suggestion to make some things more clear. Great work!
Absynthe reviewed Version 1 -
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I absolutely love your whole thought process in relation to the idea of Oz, and the side commentary (such as with the extra opening the door – fascinating) really illustrates your point. The rest of your points are also highly interesting, and organized fantastically. I really feel like each successive point builds on the others before it. You tied it all together at the end quite neatly. Good job.
SecularProphet reviewed Version 1 -
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The whole think positive thing doesn’t really work in a society where everything is based upon the perspective that “somebody else is doing way better than I am”. It becomes worse to deal with when that somebody isn’t just one person, but just about everybody you know.
But I can identify with the points you present here and even if I’m inclined to disagree on many points, you have gotten me to think about it. And in that point you’re mission is very well accomplished.
Soren_Moonshire reviewed Version 1 -
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To be honest, your guide to happiness was very well written, and the content is astonishing. Perhaps creating a categorizing list will calm my worries. The girl you mentioned within the blog reminded me of myself. Often I’m concerned with everything around me, to A worries to C worries. Each issue I take upon my own shoulders even if it’s not my burden. On many occasions I’ve been taken advantage of, but I still insisted on helping others. As you said each person has a different perceptive, a beautiful word as you put it. Most individuals aren’t happy with their lives. At certain points of your life there are going to be those moments of sadness, but it shouldn’t consume you. Every person has their own perceptive of happiness. We might portray someone as unhappy or happy, and it be the exact opposite. You stated we might not all be intelligent, but every person has the potential for intelligence. The only problems is the lack of desire for knowledge, carelessness.
Regarding the mechanics, perhaps you could break some of the sentences down a bit. Here’s just an example to do this:
Revision:
When I was 17 or so I thought my life was going nowhere: I was a student studying subjects I was bored with, my love life was zero, no money, no car, no girl etc.
(Perhaps you could break this down a bit. I realize this a journal, but it’ll help the flow of the piece more so.)
You don’t necessarily need to use this revision, but this is the closest I could revise without destroying the originality of your words.
“Having an orgasm while sprinkled in fairy dust? Far too messy.”
(I almost fell of my seat with laughter. That’s my favorite part.)
Overall, an entertaining read. Hopefully you’ll write more works like this.
Soren*Moonshire
cshell_run reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a very well written and enjoyable piece of work and I found myself agreeing with your philosophy on how to be happy. I also enjoyed the use of sarcasm throughout the blog. It effectively added humor to what could otherwise be considered a serious topic. Excellent advice.
brookmichelle reviewed Version 1 -
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I will never ever forget the graveyard story. Haha, I really felt like I was like right there sitting in the car next to you. You have an amazing talent to draw one into descriptions with so few descriptive words. How amazing, I wish you the best luck on your Novel! You definately have the voice to entertain any reader.
I never heard the singer that you mentioned but now I know not to. Bye!
shivsguy reviewed Version 1 -
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This is odd. I mean, journalistically it is fine, but it’s odd that one would have to be informed about any of these things. Nevertheless, this is well written. Well done. Cheers.
ikea reviewed Version 1 -
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That sounds just about right. I think I can follow that and see how it goes
jensastar reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s a trivial thing but I’m not so sure about the living longer comment at the start. Baby boomers live longer than anyone, but the generations before and after do not and will not. Medical fact, we are going to be dying a hell of a lot younger in the next 30 years.
I like ‘stomach shreddingly unhappy’ very expressive.
I like the categorising of worries too. Very important thing for being happy. I’ve never met a happy worrier, they don’t exist. It’s one of those unbearable lightness of being things, they worry to take away the lightness of being, to weigh themself down. To distract themself from the real drama or something. Kudos to you for spotlighting it.
I think it was Neitzche (I hate quoting him, sounds sooooo wanky!) who said something like we should love and appreciate our lives so much that we would choose to live and relive them again and again, because at the end of the day, all of life is a gift for nothing, from nothing.
Your blog reminded me of that, being thankful for what we have got. It’s all better than having nothing at all. Any life is a better alternative than death.
With that in mind I figure I shouldn’t be unhappy if an urbis person doesn’t like my work and gives it an honest review of what hey thought, it wont matter in a hundred years. Maybe I shouldn’t have given them a negative on the vote counter. They were just being honest (and unbiased)
Thanks for the read. Great Blog.
I’m gonna take a stab in the dark here and say that you are ‘voidsucker’
let’s hit the ‘save’ button and find out…..
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