I think half of your review got cut off or something. You posted a section of the story but there is not a suggestion that follows.
Children's / Dance No More Eleanor
Eleanor danced right out of bed every morning and right back into it every single night. Every morning she would twirl onto the kitchen table to take her pancakes for a whirl. She danced up a terribly enormous bubble storm in the tub and gyrated while brushing her teeth. Getting dressed was quite the event with tumbles, a few swirls and a quick twirl.
Eleanor did not walk to school but she did do quite a wonderful waltz. “This street is always so jammed,” she thought as she danced through a suddenly blocked intersection of 85th and 3rd. I guess Officer Olsen isn’t very good at his job,” She concluded with a twisty twirl.
Every morning Eleanor leapt through class to dance on her desk. She danced every chance she got. At recesses, show and tell, and during fire drills. Every where that Eleanor danced chaos emerged. Even in the cafeteria where she once slipped on green marshmallow Jell-O. It seemed to Eleanor that people were quite careless and grouchy too.
She danced so much that her teacher warned, “Dance in here no more Eleanor or you’ll dance no more at all!” That was something Eleanor had been to busy to hear and so she danced on. She pranced like a beautiful ballerina right through Mr. Parker’s newly planted flowers on her way home from school. Past 85th and 3rd she went. For some strange reason that Eleanor just could not understand Police Officer Olsen warned, “dance through here no more Eleanor or you’ll dance no more at all.” Eleanor danced on.
She whipped around the dining room table flinging dishes into their place. She swirled right along with her noodles while she slurped her spaghetti with a smile on her face. She danced the dinning room into a massive mess. Her exasperated parents explained, “Eleanor, you’re like a ballerina hurricane. There is a time and place for everything. Look around and you will see that your dancing is causing a catastrophe.
“Maybe I should stop dancing so much?” Eleanor thought. She did hear, “Dance here no more Eleanor or you’ll dance no more at all!” quite a lot. She was starting to think they were serious and so Eleanor said, “I will stop dancing while I am…um…brushing me teeth!” The condition of the bathroom improved but it just did not seem like enough. So she stopped taking her pancakes for a whirl on the table. Her parents seemed happier and less dishes seemed to get broke, but things still were not quite right. So she did not prance through Mr. Parker’s flowers or dance on her desk. Her teacher seemed to smile more and Mr. Parker’s garden was more beautiful than ever. She quit dancing in the cafeteria and it seemed to her that everyone was suddenly more cautious when it came to keeping their food from falling to the floor .
It was hard for Eleanor to cut back on dancing. She felt like she hardly danced at all anymore but now and then she still heard, “Dance here no more Eleanor or dance no more at all.”
Eleanor imagined not dancing at all. She did not like that thought. She picked up where she left off and went on to stop dancing while in the tub. She no longer went to school by way of her wonderful waltz. She had learned to save her dancing for the right place and time. In fact, even with her new silky slippers on she was able to resist pirouetting right into her dance class. Instead she walked politely into the studio and was welcomed for the first time ever with an exuberant “Dance here with us Eleanor!“
You know what? She never again heard, “Dance here no more Eleanor or you’ll dance no more at all!” Which was fine with her! Now she had a special place where she fit right in. A place filled with friends who often said, “Dance here with us Eleanor“.
There is one more thing you should know. For some strange reason where 85th and 3rd meet never jammed up again. According to Eleanor Officer Olsen had improved at his job.
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serrana reviewed Version 6 -
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Very cute piece – easy to imagine some comic and colorful (and probably chaotic!) illustrations for this story. I like the implicit message of becoming more aware of the effect one has on the world (while still ending humorously with Eleanor thinking the officer has improved at his job – perception IS everything).
I think this would be a very effective, fun story to read to kids. Find an illustrator!
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Rowling reviewed Version 6 -
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This was cute and will make a nice children’s story. I do think that you need to strengthen the story a bit. It seems like something is missing from it. On page one, change “to busy to hear” to “too busy to hear”. Good work. Again, just try to polish this piece by strengthening the story. It will be cute but it isn’t quite there yet.
tawnypipit reviewed Version 6 -
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My mother’s name is Eleanor, I used it in my story also. Her exasperated parents explained, “Eleanor, you’re like a ballerina hurricane. There is a time and place for everything. Look around and you will see that your dancing is causing a catastrophe. <
Rebecca_Reece reviewed Version 6 -
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What a lovely little story! I would love to see this piece published with some flirty, flighty, “Elouise”-esque illustrations.
One thing I would do to make the story appealing to a child’s desire for repetitios candor, instead of only having the teacher use the phrase, “Dance here no more Eleanor or you’ll dance no more at all,” and then just saying that Eleanor “heard” it, why don’t you have the officer, the doorman, the teacher, her parents, and all of the others who are familiar with Eleanor use the phrase? It is a good story now, but with a bit of editing, it really could make a delightful children’s picture book!
Hope this is helpful,
Cheers!
Rebecca Reece
trinid reviewed Version 6 -
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Whata great book and lesson. I would love to the manuscript with the pictures. My only concern is that the lanuage you slelcet maybe put you in a bit of a no man’s land. Children old enough to comphrend this level of English would little interes with this book, many of them already know this lesson of right place right time. I think you wish to target it towards a more toddler-young child audience, say between 3-6 y/o? For this age group, especially the younger, more impersonable children, you might want to simplify the lanuage.
RoadHousePress reviewed Version 6 -
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This was adorable. And a great story for children because so many are told don’t do that here.. even if its not dancing. And you end it on a wonderfully funny note that children will love. Some of your wording seems up a level for the story (like gyrate and exuberant) but I guess they could ask what it means? Just something to think over. Gave you 10s regardless.
SecularProphet reviewed Version 6 -
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Overall, the story was very well thought out and strongly conveyed its moral at the end. If I was a kid, I’d probably pretend to be Eleanor now.
DCAllen reviewed Version 6 -
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This is better. Often I hear poetry in this, and then suddenly it’s gone. Are you trying for rhyme and meter? If so, it would help to shorten some of the sentences, concentrating on cutting down on constructions like “suddenly blocked intersection” which are a sort of bump in the road.
Otherwise, I like this piece more and more.
Proofreading notes:
been to busy to hear = been too busy . . .
the dinning room = dining
like a ballerina hurricane. (very nice)
brushing me teeth!” (intentional use of me?)
Kimmer reviewed Version 6 -
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This story in general was quite nice. I, howeveer, stumbled reading it as it didn’t have a flow to it. I kept getting lost as to where she was. I also wasn’t sure if ‘Eleanor’ actually got on the table to dance or whether she just danced around the table. More clarification is needed and more character development would be great. I am also not sure if your intent was to partially rhyme throughout the story or not. I am not sure if it exactly works it that was truly your intent. Rework your story, try expanding a little more on the characters so we can picture them and become part of the story (as right now I feel as if I am outside it.) and rethink the rhyming. I look forward to reading about Eleanor again.
Tragicangel003 reviewed Version 6 -
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been to busy to – been too busy to – in the third paragraph I believe
Other than that and a few other basic errors it was a great story and totally reminds me of my sister. She used to dance and twirl too much. But it wouldn’t have been as fun to say “Dance here no more, Brandy..” Thank you. I much enjoyed it and I like the meaning of there’s a time and place for everything. Thanks again…
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