Any suggestions as to how I can improve?
Poetry / Battlefield Earth (Analysis)
All men escape the Day to behold the stars;
Engulfed in darkness, their souls afire.
Tranquilly saints lay as hopes aspire,
While quiet close whispers provoke to inspire.
To the spire of thought, fortunes You brought.
These fortunes untold, which by few are sought.
Somehow, by even less are found;
Yet here few stand, feet bold to ground.
Leaving what’s sacred men seek rest;
Lest in exhaustion they overcome,
Lest in haste they revoke undone.
Muggins, like moths are drawn to stale nights,
Stale hopes, stale fun, stale fights.
Moths repeatedly smash into synthetic light contained.
Until not but tattered wings and minds remain.
It’s here few contemplate the path to take.
It’s here few wait to be taken.
Girded, armed, the brave press on.
Naked, barren, fissured unto mercy they fawn.
Astounded by You all will confess Your truth;
Somehow it’s something men know since youth.
So why has man long fled the Day?
Fleeing from the Light You so generously give away.
Thankfully, those few wait for the dawn to spawn anew,
Hoping for that heart which is born for you.
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wajewboi reviewed Version 9 -
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There are some passages that are difficult to follow; it starts slowly, but the pace picks up and the latter lines are quite lovely. There is an air of hopelessness that resolves into redemption – I quite like that; Even in seemingly hopeless situations, there is hope to be found if you look – that comes through clearly. The image of the moth is well written, and if you were to take it out of the piece entirely, I feel that you could use it as the centerpiece of another quite successfully. Not to say that it doesn’t contribute here – it fits; rather that it’s well-crafted enough to stand on it’s own if you were interested in doing so. Altogether, it’s a great draft.
moonlitjade reviewed Version 9 -
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Wow, I feel that you have been improving it but I don’t feel the passion, I find that there is really nothing to criticize, for I can not ‘tell you the way to find your writers passion, for if one did not struggle in writing there would be no motivation to create masterpeices like your with awesome and well thought rhyming scemes. Anyways nice job love the ambiguity of the poem it is never clear what you are saying but to me that is the beauty of poetry, If you are purposefully ambiguous and unclear it will identify with more readers than if you were specific. Anyways awesome job and keep up the good writing
streamwalker2001 reviewed Version 9 -
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very well written… i really have nothing to add! could easily be published, if you ask me…
jeffrey1234 reviewed Version 9 -
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I thought the meaning was very clear. I also thought that you did a good job with rhyming, and that you have good choice of words.
eremiphobia reviewed Version 9 -
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since you haven’t really expressed interest in a full critique i would like to say that you have a strong sense of poetic language and how to employ poetic devices but there are failings implicit in this piece that i think are hard for you to recognize.
the most obvious of these is forced rhyme/inverted syntax for the sake of rhyming. this reads as awkward, archaic, and generally offers a sense of inexperience.
you also have a huge issue with clarity, and while complexity is necessary in any good poem, making sense is probably more important. some of the choices you have made have no effect on the reader + no apparent function in your piece – why capitalization of day, you and light? why use a semicolon in a place it doesn’t grammatically belong? who is being addressed by the second person narrative in this piece? some of your line structures make absolutely no sense – try reading through them as if they were prose and see if you consider them understandable. it’s hard for the reader to take anything away from these lines but a general impression/feeling, and i think that you were expecting to offer a lot more.
you speak in abstractions and this is a huge problem for clarity. you are obviously trying to tell a story with concrete meaning so try offering more specific imagery and details to help the reader in understanding what your story is. i know you’ve put a lot of work into this piece but i feel like it’s too apparent – it reads like it’s been edited to a point near meaninglessness. bring back what you were originally trying to get across without masking it in forced rhyme and abstraction, and revise your piece to maintain the images and feelings you create while providing a more honest sense of the story it attempts to convey.
wulfenstraat reviewed Version 9 -
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The tone works well and remains consistent so, good job there. You lost me with “tranquilly saints” because I couldn’t figure out if you were trying to say “tranquility” which still didn’t fit with “saints.” Andyway, the first stanza’s not bad, I love the image in the first two lines of the second stanza and the 3rd line in that stanza works, too. However, the metaphor in the 4th line of the second stanza doesn’t really work and makes the rhyme seem forced. Since you don’t have a consistent rhyme scheme throughout the poem it really isn’t necessary to have one there so I would suggest changing that line and either creating a rhyme scheme throughout the entire piece or getting rid of it. The fourth stanza is not bad but the rhythm is a little off. Overall, this is a good amount of drafting and re-drafting until you got it just the way you wanted. The tone is the best part and there are a many good images. It just needs a bit of cleaning up and, perhaps, a little something added. I gave you a 10 all around for finally bringing this poem to its heights.
lilwriter15 reviewed Version 9 -
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I really liked this poem and can tell you put a lot of work into this! I liked your choice of words which helped brought a nice flow into the poem. I can tell it’s an emotional poem and I could actually feel myself there! I really like stanza one, which caught my attention, and so did the rest! I hope you continue to write more poetry because I’d love to read more, I really enjoyed this one. Hope to read more soon and in the meantime, keep up the good work!
aliciatr reviewed Version 9 -
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Beautifully written. ”The Day” reminds me of Pat Frank’s novel, Alas Babylon. The rhyme scheme and repetition are very well done. Keep up the great work!
moonwarrior reviewed Version 9 -
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very nice. i like the moral or theme. your poem proves a good point in society and the life of men (and the human race in general). i like how it flows smoothly and how the rhyming makes it all the better. good job :)
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