Dave’s described more in depth in earlier chapters. Hope you can check them out.
Young Adult / Gifted, Ch. 5 Pt. 1 (Analysis)
She climbed into her car, a second-hand four-door her father had found in a newspaper ad. There was almost always a week’s worth of trash in the floor of the passenger’s side, but it had been cleaned while she was at camp, and a tropical scent lingered. It was a cloudy Thursday morning, and she lowered the windows to invite the coolness in. The overcast sky fit her mood perfectly.
Her destination was so familiar she was practically driving on auto-pilot. She knew every dip in the road, every pothole, every crack on the streets, down to the second she would hit them. She knew where she could push past the speed limit without getting caught, hitting a particular bump hard enough to feel momentarily airborne.
She passed the main gate to the high school, driving a little further to the sports complex gate. Football players were running drills on their field, bringing autumn with them. She acknowledged them only briefly and kept driving. Any other time she might have given them a bit more attention, staying to observe a couple of plays, but today her target was too powerful to let her linger. She followed the narrow dirt lines as the tugging sensation grew stronger.
Her gear was in the trunk of her car, as always, and she grabbed her favorite bat. At least she wouldn’t have to add vandalism to her list of problems; she still had her key to the softball gate. For some reason, the coach hadn’t asked for her to return it. And in her mind, that was reason enough not to give it back.
She switched on the pitching machine. It felt good to be back here, in a familiar space, where she knew exactly what to do. She took her stance, lifted the bat, and waited for the first shot. She lobbed the first few off, and soon had her rhythm back.
For a moment, she wished she could be back here, and have those years again. Even though everyone kept saying how much she would love college, she was dreading the fact that she’d have to live with someone she’d never met. Charlotte had only spoken to her once on the phone, Megan Something, but the brief conversation gave her the impression that the roommate compatibility form she’d filled out was a complete waste of time.
She could imagine walking into the dorm room and meeting this person. For all she knew, her new roommate could be crazy, or obsessive, or worse. It was hard to tell over the phone exactly what her quirk would be.
In between her doubts, the balls shot toward her. She loved the meeting of bat and ball and the ping that echoed with each successful hit.
She gripped the bat in frustration as the breakfast argument replayed in her head. Charlotte had yelled at her mother, and she didn’t even flinch. As bad as it sounded, Charlotte hoped for a few tears. At least then she would know that her mother had felt something. Was she completely emotionless? Was Charlotte destined to be just as hollow as her mother?
She was so focused on that feeling that she didn’t realize she wasn’t alone until the machine ran out of balls.
“Nice form.”
Charlotte spun around. Through the netting, she met Dave’s eyes. He was leaning casually against the hood of her car, looking just like he had the first time they’d met.
“What are you doing here?” Charlotte was bewildered.
“Yeah, it’s good to see you, too, Charlotte,” Dave said. He propelled himself off the car and pointed at the pitching machine. “Is it safe to come in, or is that thing going to fire up again and knock me unconscious?”
Charlotte switched it off. “It’s safe.” She unlatched the door and let him in. “How did you know where I would be?” She was glad to see Dave. Seeing him reminded her how much she had missed him. But they had all scattered so suddenly after the campers left. When she finally got to check his cabin, he was gone, and she had no way to contact him.
He shrugged. “I was in town to visit a friend…” he trailed off. “And Tamara called me. She said you probably wouldn’t talk to anyone about what happened after she left.”
An awkward feeling filled her stomach when he mentioned the real reason for the visit. Of course she knew that’s why he had come. Maybe he and Tamara thought she would do something stupid. Was this some kind of subtle suicide watch?
“This is the part of the conversation where you tell me how you’re doing,” Dave instructed.
She brushed her hair from her face. “Fine,” she lied.
“Okay, let’s try again.” Dave cleared his throat and looked into her eyes. “How are you doing?”
“Not fine,” she admitted. What was this power he had over her? “Tam was right. My mom’s got a shrink on speed dial, my dad hides behind his newspaper, and my sister is kicking me out of my own bedroom. I can’t talk to them.” Charlotte grabbed the bucket and picked up the scattered softballs.
Dave nodded. “That’s better.” She shot him a puzzled look. “Not the problem,” he explained, “Just that you could tell me what it is.”
“I messed up, and I can’t get that out of my head. I’ve been having nightmares.” Charlotte didn’t want to mention them out loud, but she also didn’t think they could get much worse. “She deserved more than that, and if it wasn’t for me…”
“Hey, you can’t think like that! She had health problems. Nobody knew how bad they were.” He fingered a ball before dropping it into the bucket. “It was the seizure that killed her, not you.”
“Thanks. That almost makes me feel better,” she scoffed.
“Okay, that’s it. We need to get your mind off this for a while. I’m buying you lunch.” He said it with so much authority that Charlotte didn’t even consider arguing. She obediently followed him to his car.
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Mishima reviewed Version 1 -
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The part on page two about the college roommate seems out of place to me, since the scene seems to be about the argument with her mother and the guilt she is feeling over the death. Actually, the whole scene at the batting cages seems short. She arrives, swings the bat a few times and suddenly that guy is there. You might stretch it out a bit longer, going through her worries more thoroughly (in a longer stream of consciousness, the college roommate worries would fit in better too).
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Lunajamnia reviewed Version 1 -
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You definitely have a gift. I really like that you were able to convey what was happening in the story to people who haven’t read the other chapters. It would be nice if you had described Dave a little more-what color his eyes were, his hair, or something of that sort.
browniie111 reviewed Version 1 -
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WOW! EVEN AFTER JUST READING THAT SMALL PORTION OF THE BOOK, I WANT TO READ ON. YOUR DESCRIPTIONS ARE SO REALISTIC, BUT AT THE SAME TIME SUBTLE. IT FEELS LIKE I AM STNADING THERE WITH CHARLOTTE AND DAVE LISTENING TO THEIR CONVERSATION AND WATCHING THEIR MOVEMENTS. KEEP GOING! I WANT TO READ MORE!
Nvr2Young2Write reviewed Version 1 -
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This gives a real outlook on what it must feel like to have a family that does not understand you and pre-college jitters. It is well written and the setting seems well thought out. I enjoy the character Charolette but when she speaks to Dave she reminds me more of an adolescent then a seventeen or eighteen year old. Her personality seems childlike even though she’s dealing with an adult situation, it could be just her way of coping but it is made unclear.
jonaustin1481 reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not sure what I can convey that would be of help, frankly. I didn’t read any of the preceding chapters, just this one, so I can only comment about the writing style and not the story as a whole. Stylistically, it rings a little flat especially in the beginning, it just sort of plods along without really grabbing the reader.
Let’s look a a few passages as examples:
“Her destination was so familiar she was practically driving on auto-pilot. She knew every dip in the road, every pothole, every crack on the streets, down to the second she would hit them. She knew where she could push past the speed limit without getting caught, hitting a particular bump hard enough to feel momentarily airborne. “
Its just a hodge podge that in its entirety doesn’t convey anything of meaning or interest to the reader, in short, its almost entirely unnecessary. If its a teenage girl, I assume it is, we want to appeal to what a teen thinks about while driving, which is nothing, just that they just enjoy the freedom.
And this:
“There was almost always a week’s worth of trash in the floor of the passenger’s side, but it had been cleaned while she was at camp, and a tropical scent lingered. It was a cloudy Thursday morning, and she lowered the windows to invite the coolness in. The overcast sky fit her mood perfectly.”
Its almost journalistic in its tone of rattled off facts, we’ve even got the weather report for good measure. I half expected to read what the dow jones did that day.
Why not combine the two paragraphs to something like:
She headed for her car and hopped in. It was a junky old car her dad had picked up for her on the cheap. It had at least a week’s worth of trash in the seats, but she didn’t care about the car’s appearance or that her friends liked to tease her about it. To her, it was her space, her oasis all her own, her ticket to freedom; a freedom she felt enthralled by every time she got behind the wheel . . . .. even if it was just a trip she taken a hundred times before . . . like today . . . “
I dont know, thats a quickie and not too great an example in itself, but maybe you get the idea? The reader doesn’t want just facts and lists. Give them some insight into her and her mindset, a feel for what she feels, especially a necessity for YA readers.
Good luck
metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought the dialogue was very believable, and I especially like how you stayed away from the whole, “he said, she said,” thing by using more descriptive statements susch as, “she scoffed, she lied,” etc.
I think you used too many qualifying statements. For example, “For some reason, the coach hadn’t asked for her to return it. And in her mind, that was reason enough not to give it back.” Would be just as clear, and read better if you wrote, “The coach hadn’t asked her to return it; that was reason enough not to give it back.”
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