Poetry / Snowflakes: A Better Place (Analysis)

l. 26 should read: “The sound of my footsteps grow further apart.”

You use line breaks and enjambment well.

The poem has a nostalgic feel to it.

I like this piece. It’s one of the better poems I’ve reviewed.

Perfection at its most greatest point!I really enjoy this peice of work. its Honest to the core, and i could totally see myself there in the story line weather its the mom running late with her child or standing there gazing at the sunset walking with the one i choose to be with.

this was such a beautiful poem. I only hope that you will continue on with your Quest for the beauty of words! Brovo.. Bravo..

Ps- i am not great at spelling so dont mind my vague wording.. :)

My main critique is focus. You’ve got some sections which are close, personal past-tense retelling of this thing, and then you switch to present-perfect without a transition (which is ok at times, but doesn’t really work for me here).

I’m not digging your repetition. (unison in S4, side-by-side in S4, close eyes)

Other than that I think you’re on the right track.

Originally hailing from Pennsylvania, I understood exactly what you were going for  while explaining whiteout conditions for a snowstorm.  In future revisions, I’d consider some word substitutions, unless this is a period piece, most people don’t actually use the word “appointment” out loud, it kinda looks a bit stale in dialogue.  I’m curious about the use of formatting here, for awhile I thought the lines would go back and forth like a snowflake that’s unsure of where to land, but  it doesn’t do that, and there is no real unity within the stanzas to signify why this decision was made.  Speaking of stanzas, it’s odd when the stanzas very a great deal in length without a specific pattern, particularly if it’s top heavy (take a look at the second stanza).  I enjoyed reading your poem, and like all good poetry, it made me remember not just a part of my past but the feeling linked to that memory.  As so far as presentation and revision, such is the beast of the craft.  I wish you all the best with future revisions of your work!

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May 10, 2008

by tia_logic

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I say appointment. Often. :)

June 26, 2008

by axiom49

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I don’t usually hear it out loud unless in reference to meeting a doctor of some sort, whether a GP or a dentist.  Different strokes for different folks.

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There is some nice sentiment used in this piece that does not cross over into indulgent sentiment. I think this is often a difficult thing to pull off, as it requires a precise balance.

The overall tone of the poem worked for me and is well maintained throughout. I particularly enjoyed some of the more organic train of thought sections.

You could perhaps take a look at the structure of the poem. At times I found that at certain points the choice of breaking impacted the sense of direction you are trying to achieve. I hope that makes sense. I’m not a poet so it’s difficult for me to explain my point clearly.

There is also some quite lovely imagery here, the metaphors of the snowflakes and the footsteps leaving their impressions.

Overall an enjoyable read that gave me an emotional response in so much as I found myself feeling the vibe you quite expertly try to achieve.

Good stuff.

Thanks for sharing.

I’m not sure whether or not it constitutes poetry, but it’s full of imagery. Technically-speaking, I especially liked the repetition here and there that created a sense of time slowing to a crawl, one of those fictional moments when you can actually see the individual flaps of a hummingbird’s wings. Near the end, I pictured a world of black and white w/color radiating outward from and around the speaker and “You”. Definitely keep up the good work. Cheers.

This is beautiful- poetic in a haiku way. In fact I thought I saw a haiku built into this composition. I was mistaken but couldn’t resist completing the task. I’m not sure how easily understood this work will be to the average reader, as the few images are stark and elemental. It does make me want to cuddle during these early spring days. Good luck with your goals.

as snow falls night does
we finally sleep-close eyes
mingling fingertips

Kind of sad. It does have a nice rhytym to it. I like the way the portions are seperated for emphasis. Overall, very nice, simple. The visualizations were a nice touch.

Definitely a talent worth shaping here. A very narrative poem, gave me the feel of the theme. The ideas and emotions are sharp. You can describe much with less words. The story that you wove in feels nice. I like the way you have used enjambment.

Do experiment with more themes, feelings and styles. Probably even rhyme, meter and alliteration. But if thats not your style don’t worry, its just a suggestion. The creative process is all about exploration. I look forward to more from you.

Keep Writing
Warm Regards,
_Ikram

“The white flakes fell in a rhythmic way
         each had its own place, its own role to play ”
This seems to be the only deliberate rhyme – unless you wanted it that way, it should be changed.
Also, I don’t think that snow usually falls rhythmicly, but that could just be me.

Stanza 2 is awesome—as is the rest of the poem.

What a lovely elegy!!

(You should publish this)