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Romance / Escaping the Predictable Page 2
I load the groceries onto the conveyer belt noticing that my wedding ring caught the reflection of the light making miniature rainbows appear. I fidget with it. As I grab the latest fashion magazine. I browse through it while I wait for the person in front of me to finish up. I managed to skim thru half the magazine before my items are done being scanned I put back the magazine another catches my eye “101 Things to do in bed that he’ll love”. I swallow then pick it then throw it on the conveyer belt. The cashier tells me the balance in a loud annoyed voice. I give her a small closed mouth smile and reach for a twenty. I hand her the money, she gives me back my change. Looking down I notice it’s not even enough for bottled water. I pack the groceries in my environmentally friendly bag then exit the store.
I wonder if Max has left yet while I search the parking lot I spot his motorcycle. I smile in remembrance of it. It was the same bike that I had ridden on the back of a hundred times, it seems like it’s been a hundred years. I was adventurous. I had no fear, other than the fact that my parents would have a fit if they saw me on it. I run my fingers along the seat. It’s warm to the touch, the leather baking in the sun. I shake my head I can feel my ponytail bob with the movement; I search for my car. I spot my car then begin rummaging through my purse searching for the keys as I do I hear my cell phone ring.
“ Hello” I say as I hold it between my ear and head while I place the items in the seat next to me as I get in the car. It’s Alex he says the same thing he’s been saying every night for the last four months that he will be working late and not to wait up. I place my phone back in my purse then take my face in my hands looking down I try not to think about what I’ve been wondering for the last three months. I push it out of my mind when I hear the loud sounds of a motorcycle. I contemplate does two wrongs make a right?
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This 281 word review has not been unlocked.
You need to break up your sentences more to control the flow of the story. If you are unsure of where to put commas and fullstops then have somebody read it to you out loud and see where they get confused with flow of words (or even get your ‘speak’ to read it to you.)
The first paragraph feels very drab and mundane, if you wanted this to represent how your character feels in life then that’s great!
Some more excitement with max’s motorcycle (2nd paragraph) would be nice. Even a “I’d love to be on the back with him again.” or something of the like. Just more than ‘smiling’ at the remembrance of it. Or smile slyly at the idea of secretly doing it again
Need to evoke some excitement in the reader, make us wonder things like – “Who is Max? Didn’t i read above that she had a wedding ring… gasp…. she hasn’t been has she??....she wouldn’t!? Is she the kind that cheats?”
Your piece needs more work, but it’s coming along well so far.
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