Novel Treatments / Killing Innocence 1st installment
Steven and Millie made their way out of the theater walking closely together. The weather was unusually warm for early March, so they decided to walk the four blocks to her apartment instead of hailing for a cab. She reached for his hand and they began to stroll with their fingers intertwined like two high school students going steady.
They had made it about half way when Millie had noticed a man leaning against the lamp post at the corner about twenty feet away and pointed it out to Steven. He had his back propped against the poll, the hood of his sweatshirt covering his face. Steven slowed his pace prompting Millie to do the same. Not taking his eyes of the man at the corner he suggested that they cross the street to avoid walking past him. There was just something about him that caused a warning signal to go off in Steven’s head. It was as if he was just waiting for them, like a coiled snake ready to strike the mouse that so unwittingly crosses its path.
He noticed the man following their progress as they made there way across the street. Steven still had his eyes on the hooded figure when they reached the other side, then suddenly another man walked straight in between them with such force that it knocked them both off balance. Before he even had time to recover the assailant pulled a gun and pressed it against Steven’s forehead. Millie tried to run but was grabbed by the hooded man that had been standing across the street. She tried to scream but was silenced by a punch to the stomach that dropped her to her knees. “Shut the fuck up bitch before I pop you both right now.” said the thug holding the gun. “Now give me everything you got on you. The watch, the wallet, the bitch’s purse, all that shit!” “N-No problem just be cool okay.” Steven pleaded. He slowly reached for his wallet, his heart pumping a 100 miles per hour. He had lived in the city his entire life and had never been robbed before, he was almost numb with fear and shock; he just wanted this over as quickly as possible.
Millie was still on her knees crying uncontrollably, began to remove her earrings which was made difficult due to her violent shaking. The hooded man, growing impatient, reached down and ripped an earring right out of her ear. Without thinking Steven reached for the gun as he slammed his body into the thug. He rammed him onto the hood off a parked car and was able to wrestle the gun away when the other mugger grabbed him in a choke from behind pulling off the first partner. Steven struggled to turn his body slightly and fired a shot into the man’s abdomen which caused him to fall to the ground holding his stomach. He began to turn around when the other attacker tried rush at him with a knife. Steven tripped and fell while trying to back away and fired twice at point blank range. The two shots pierced the man’s chest and exploded out of his back sending him crashing against the parked car.
Steven stood up slowly, his legs barely supporting him. He heart was beating so hard that the sound of it even overpowered the ring in his ears from the gun shots. He turned his head slowly and saw Millie still on the ground both hands covering her face screaming hysterically. He wanted to reach over to calm her but he was unable to move. He saw movement out of the corner of his eye. The first mugger he had shot had rolled over onto his back, his had come off and his face was now clearly visible. He was a boy, no more than eighteen. His sweater was soaked with blood and blood was trickling from his mouth. There was no doubt in Steven’s mind that this mugger, this boy, was dying. Steven stood rooted to the spot, starring at the boy he had shot. The color had drained from the young man’s face and his breathing had become shallow. Then the rise and fall of his chest stopped completely, the light in his eyes dimming slowly until it was completely extinguished.
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pointed it out to Steven.- pointed him out to Steven
propped against the poll- propped against the pole
slowed his pace prompting- slowed his pace, prompting
corner he suggested- corner, he suggested
made there way- made their way
run but was- run, but was
“Shut the fuck up bitch before I pop you both right now.” said the thug holding- “Shut the fuck up, bitch, before I pop you both right now,” said the thug, holding
((I don’t think “holding the gun” is a proper description-”waving the gun in her face” might sound better.) )
okay.” Steven- okay,” Steven
he was almost numb- he was becoming numb
uncontrollably, began to remove her earrings- uncontrollably, and she began to remove her earrings
rammed him onto- rammed him into
his back, his had come off- his mask had come off
This was interesting, and other than the grammatical and punctuation errors, was really good.
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I really like how the title relates to the story, when people cant do that it always gets on my nerve. I just recently read Lord of The Flies, which as you probably know delves into the idea of children becoming violent. So I found this story to be interesting in the fact that two people from my peer group were the assailants. And the description at the end of him watching the young boy die ringed true in my ears, or at least as what I would see as true. Good Luck with writing more.
-Bobby
I really liked the story line. I thought for sure it was going the other way, especially because of the title, but you surprised me.
Your sentence structure could use a little work though.
Example:
“Millie was still on her knees crying uncontrollably, began to remove her earrings which was made difficult due to her violent shaking.”
“She” should be written before began (I’m sure this was just a typing error), but this would also turn it into two sentences. You could have written it like this and it would have worked:
Still on her knees, crying uncontrollably, Millie began to remove her earrings, which was made difficult due to her violent shaking.
I prefer two sentences. I think it makes for smoother reading. It just flows better. I have the same problem with my writing. My sentences end up being either too wordy or they don’t flow the way I want them too or think they should. I think I just proved that with the last sentence.lol
Overall I think it’s a good beginning. Just make sure you stick with the unique storyline. People get tired of the same old storyline.
Also, I think you’re on the right track when you picture yourself in the storyline. You already know your character intimately. The same holds true of any character. Figure them out. In acting you learn that if you ask yourself some basic questions about your character you can get into his/her head. I think the same holds true for writing. Just ask the who, what, when, where, why and how of your characters lives. It sounds complicated, but it’s really not. Another thing you can do is character studies. Just plain old people watching. You can find some great people to base your characters on.
Well, I will wait with baited breath for the next installment. Good start!
Love & peace,
Deb
what i like most about this is the “readability” (not a real word, i think). you carry the plot well, and the dialogue. a few editorail points:
1. pg 1 paragraph 1 is set in a different tense than pg 1 paragraph 2-in parag.2, the “had”s in the first 2 lines should be removed.
2. pg 1 paragraph 3 line 2 should be ”...reached the other side. Suddenly…” because they are two complete sentences and a comma makes them one running sentence.
3. pg 1 prgrph 3 line 3 i would suggest swapping the places of “he” and “Steven”
4. pg 2 prgrph 1 line 3 ”...be cool okay.” needs a comma between cool and okay, and a ? instead of a . and a comma after the quotation marks becase “Steven said.” is not proper.
5. pg 2 prgrph 1 line 5 “a 100 miles..” either remove the “a”, keeping it at 100 or remove 100, making it “a hundred”
6. pg 2 prgrph 2 line 1 “crying uncontrollably, began” is pretty jumbled. ”Millie, who…....remove her earrings; a task made difficult by the violent shaking” would be much more workable.
7. pg 2 prgrph 2 line 3 “Without thinking Steven” needs a comma after “thinking”
8. “the gun away when the other mugger ” “when” should be omitted, and a new sentence should begith with the other mugger.
9.”...choke form behind” needs a comma if you want to keep “pulling off the first partner”
10. ” abdomen which caused” should be ”...abdomen, causing…”
11. ” attacker tried rush at him ” should be “to rush” or “tried rushing”
12. “He turned his head slowly and saw Millie still on the ground both hands covering her face screaming hysterically. ” needs a comma between ” ground” and “both”
13. “calm her but he was” comma between “her” and “but”
14. “back, his had come ” his ? had come…
15 “blood and blood ” either go with a comma or replace one “blood” with something descriptive of blood
16. “starring ” would be “staring”
This story was boring. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but nothing unusual happens here. It is unfortunate, of course, that such an event is not particularly unusual, especially in a big city. Something different has to happen to make it interesting, like maybe, the muggers were from the future, or outer space, or something. Then the story could be continued, because you’d have something to work with.
There are lots of words to be eliminated, but I’m a minimalist “use no unnecessary word” Mark Twain
Poll – in the second paragraph, should be “pole”, but I’m sure someone has already pointed that out.
You swap from past to present. An “ing” phrase followed by an “ed” phrase in the same paragraph in what appears to be the same timeframe, consider putting everything in one reference.
I liked the piece. But use more feeling words. It reads as a report of events rather than a passionate encounter. There are missing words and a few too many. Rewrite as if this were the love of your life at stake
I enjoyed the passion of this entry. It’s something we all fear these days and a good point to start.
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