Romance / Escaping the Predictable
Whitney’s Diary:
I got up early at six am the same time I get up every morning except on Sundays when I’ll sleep in until 7:30 a.m. I made Alex his coffee and breakfast 3 egg whites 1 slice of whole-wheat toast.
To say my life in predictable would be an understatement.
He wakes and sits down at the table, the same spot as normal folding his paper to the finance section. He mumbles to himself about the stocks then closes it taking a sip from his plain black coffee he glances at his watch, puts his coffee down. He rambles around in the living room searching for his briefcase and keys. He finds them and then gives me a peck on the cheek and a curt goodbye.
I clean up from breakfast and get ready for the gym making sure to grab the grocery list before I go. I lock the door and drive ten minutes away to the local gym.
There I do a grueling workout cardio, weights then cardio again. I shower quickly but careful not to wet my hair. I put my change of clothes on khaki shorts and white tank top. I look at my reflection. I decide to put a thin layer of lip-gloss on and a bit of mascara. I turn sideways then forward again. I sigh; I look like an advertisement for the Gap. I shrug to myself, grab my gym bag then throw it into my car and drive across the street to the market. List in hand I enter the store.
I read the list to myself skinless chicken boneless breast, lettuce, tomato, cucumber and Frozen Yogurt mmm, my one indulgence. Vanilla or Chocolate while I stood there contemplating I see Max from the corner of my eye. I check my reflection in the frosted glass door as I close it. Smoothing down any loose flyaway I pat my hair down. I bite my lip in preparation for the inevitable small talk.
I stare at his subtle lips as they move pink and smooth. He smirks; I look up and see his eyes smiling at me. Just one wink from those deep brown eyes and I melt. My mouth bows up and I smile back.
As he leaves I decide definitely chocolate.
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Rather mundane character piece…or what that the intent?
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I know this’ll sound pedantic but there are a number of grammatical problems (mainly missing commas or semi-colons) that made me slightly peeved as I read this. For instance “There I do a grueling workout[;] cardio, weights then cardio again”
Or “He wakes and sits down at the table; the same spot as normal, folding his paper to the finance section.”
By adding these pauses in, i think, it would really enhance your conversational style; this being such a great strength of the piece.
Btw, very clever to not have ANY of the “inevitable small talk”, works well.
Also classic romance/affair types aren’t really for my kinda tastes, so i’d prefer to see this more bittersweet; but thats just me.
cheers
Josh
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