Well spotted, there is a sexual aspect. This form is a big pain in the ass but I do suggest you give it a try.
Poetry / F*CK YOU
As you stand behind the line
Smiling innocently
You could not commit this crime
And yet your eyes shine wickedly
Smiling innocently
As my body is carried out
And yet your eyes shine wickedly
While you suppress your joyous shout
As my body is carried out
My blood is dripping in the snow
While you suppress your joyous shout
And no one here will ever know
My blood is dripping in the snow
My will is caving in
And no one here will ever know
All you have done to win
My will is caving in
I’ll give myself to you
All you have done to win
Its’ what I always knew
I’ll give myself to you
As you stand behind the line
It’s what I always knew
You could not commit this crime
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rsman26 reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved it, especially the secons stnaza, it was really constructed well, and when you write things like My blood is dripping in the snow
My will is caving in
And no one here will ever know
All you have done to win
that is about as close to perfect writing can get, so very nicely done.
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Rupert reviewed Version 1 -
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This kind of leads me to become confused. I can’t tell if the person in the snow is dripping with blood because he attempted to rob a bank or something or if he was battling thoughts of suicide. In the beginning it sounds as if these were the thoughts of a victim looking out towards his onlookers, smiling and chortling at the macabre sight before them. What or who is the ‘you’ in you could not commit this crime and what was the crime. I am referring to the last line. At the end it also seems that another person; the one with the wicked shining eyes had framed the main character for a crime, and was just playing it off as the main guy or the writer was left bleeding.
HarryVann reviewed Version 1 -
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Very well done! Excellent. H.
haikudo reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a fantastic scenario! I love the visual imagery. The style is unfamiliar to me but I know poetry when I see it. 10 !
duddbudda reviewed Version 1 -
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you CAN spell pantoum (unless wiki got it wrong; i had to find out wot it meant lol). As a lay-man to the form, i’d say you carry it off well insofaras the rhythm is strong and it consistently makes sense.
However, i’m not a fan of the content as it seems a tad emo for me, but thats not really an issue i guess…
good stuff
josh
neverisapromise reviewed Version 1 -
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I read about this type of poetry in a book, but never got around to trying it. I have to say, you did an amazing job, and that’s not just because I don’t have much to compare it to. Your poem really makes me want to try this format.
The thought occurred to me that this poem, although appearing to talk about crime, is actually referring to some sexual aspect. Am I right? I’ll be very surprised if I’m not.
If it is, then I would definitely have to say, even apart from the format, that this is a great piece. I love the analogy and the language you used.
I’d appreciate a comment back to my question. That way I’ll know in what way I should look upon this piece.
I don’t really have any suggestions or criticism. Sorry about that.
Happy writing.
-K.S.
Blacksmith reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this. It gets the job done, makes a statement without running it into the ground, and then leaves.
I particularly like the paradoxical quality of the line ending a stanza and then the new line of the next stanza: “And yet your eyes shine wickedly/Smiling innocently…”
Well done.
Dtox reviewed Version 1 -
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I do think this is a great piece, my only problem with it is that the title seems to have little to do with the poem.
qtstorm reviewed Version 1 -
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You have a good style. I like the flow. The imagery is very compelling. I feel disembodied by it. The feeling of watching one’s own funeral. It made me feel mortal. You can not win when trust is betrayed through the guise of innocence. I liked this poem.
trouten_m reviewed Version 1 -
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Dark. You did a good job of portraying a case of a person being abused by someone who, by all public accounts, could never have done it. I don’t know if this was your intention or not, but good job all the same. Kind of redundant, but I guess that’s part of being ‘pantoum’. Kudos. —Mandy
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