Haiku/Senryu / A man, not a boy

I understand the point of your piece, saying that age doesn’t matter when you fal in love, you fall in love.

But you just say you’ve fallen in love. I don’t feel it, I don’t get them impresson of how much you love her. I would like to see some more emmotion in this piece.

Beautiful.  Stanza 2, though, first line….”inspires” is considered 2 syllables…which leaves only 4 syllables.  Could the pronoun “she” be substitued for else?

I’m not a very good critic,(just learning myself) but as a poem I found it soft and gentle in sound, especially the second stanza. The title fell in well with the last line. Good.

This is almost a poke in the eye of the “one who got away”. An excellent collection of verse.

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January 27, 2008

by Smintboyuk

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
412	80.2% (111 votes)	25.8%

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35	M	Alexandria, VA	November 21

Thanks.  Do you mean a poke in the eye for those that let “the one” get away?  All I can say is don’t ever have any regrets.  Take chances, live for the moment.  Better to make a bad decision than regret making no decision.

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It would be appropriate to leave a reviewer note stating the nature of any collection of haiku/senryu verse. This is a rensaku, gathered like stanzas in a song. If they can each stand alone regardless of their position in the larger work, it is a gunsaku.

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January 26, 2008

by Smintboyuk

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
412	80.2% (111 votes)	25.8%

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35	M	Alexandria, VA	November 21

So did you like the rensaku?  

Your ‘review’ doesn’t say anything about the piece itself, just that I didn’t include a note stating whether it was haiku/senryu/rensaku/gunsaku.  Unless you mean by nature that I should explain the subject.  Either way I don’t agree with you.  Sorry.  But thanks anyway.    

January 27, 2008

by Eupholome

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31	F	Andorra	February 06

D’oh! You caught me! I love the piece as a work of poetry. Sorry I didn’t state that in my original review. I like that each verse has its own distinct personality, and that you as a poet, have a unique style that seems very publishable.

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I like these, they’re sweet. I would write ‘ten’ out, instead of ‘10’, and maybe work with the puncuation in the last one, maybe a comma between man and not? Good work and keep writing.

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January 25, 2008

by Smintboyuk

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35	M	Alexandria, VA	November 21

Thanks for the advice.  Followed, and uploaded v4.

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This was pretty good. In my opinion real descriptive but not as much power and meaning behind the words as I generally like in haiku style poems especially.

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January 25, 2008

by Smintboyuk

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
412	80.2% (111 votes)	25.8%

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35	M	Alexandria, VA	November 21

Thanks for the review.

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This is nice. My only question is 1983 to 1973… are you going back in time there? I’m a little lost.

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January 23, 2008

by Smintboyuk

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412	80.2% (111 votes)	25.8%

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35	M	Alexandria, VA	November 21

I’ll revise it, tell me if it makes more sense?

Glad you liked it though.

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