Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Firecracker Crotch

Okay. If you’ve read my previous blog then you’ve already got an idea of what my friend Sheila is like. For those who haven’t, Sheila is my snobby friend who is really judgmental and when we go out she basically acts like a drunken slut, but she’s nice to have around because she is always a good example of what not to look for in a human being, mate, partner, employee, friend, etc… You get the picture. Anyway, Sheila and I went out one night about a year ago. We went to this bar called “Big Dogs.” which you will appreciate the irony of once you finish the blog. So, we’re sitting down at our table having our drinks when this creepy guy comes up and sits next to Sheila. We were pretty buzzed by then and, even though we knew he was a creep we let him sit at the table with us and buy Sheila a drink cause he didn’t offer to buy me one (cheap bastard). So after a few minutes of him drooling on Sheila’s lap, like she was Carmen Electra or some shit, I decided to go to the bar and get my own damn drink. As I got up I noticed that he was really close to Sheila. His chair was right in front of her chair and it looked like he was playing “humpy dog” with her leg! She seemed oblivious to it all so I just went and got my drink. It only took me about two minutes because the line at the bar was non-existent. On my way back to the table I passed creepy guy. He walked by me with, what I can only describe as, a desperate need for a smoke look. When I got back to the table Sheila had the most disgusted look on her face. I asked her what was wrong and she confirmed what I had suspected all along. Creepy guy had been humping her leg dry! I said, “Ewwwwww! Why didn’t you slap him?” and she replied, “Because I didn’t want him to think I was rude so I waited till he finished.” This caused my head to whirl with manifestations. I mean, did he stop because he got too tired and was deterred by her lack of response? Did he have a moral epiphany and realize how wrong his actions were? Did the hot dog lose the mayo, if you know what I mean? I asked Sheila what she thought and she didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Done. End of conversation, which I thought sucked cause I was really gettin’ into it. Although, I must say, her lack of response told me all I needed to know, and little did I know that the best was yet to come! Even though Sheila seemed a bit “thrown off” by the whole thing we decided to stay and have a few more drinks. About an hour had passed and we were pretty jaked. Our drinks were empty so we decided to go to the bar for another round, kinda scope out the scene, ya know. What happened next was so fucking awesome. We were in line and here comes the creepy guy, right behind Sheila. Now men, this is where I let you in on a little secret about us girls and our thongs, so pay attention. Sheila was wearing a really short skirt that night with a pair of thong panties underneath. It was one of those thongs with the really skinny string for a back. Well. creepy guy stands right behind Sheila and proceeds to “put the dog in the dog house.” Little did he know that the string of her thong was made to act as a deterrent from creeps like creepy guy. As soon as he got the tip of his “dog” in her man cave her thong string doubled as a slingshot and flung creepy guy backwards about 20 feet! Fucking beautiful! It was pure magic! Sheila and I laughed and laughed. We laughed so hard we cried, but to our surprise creepy guy stood up, ran to Sheila, bowed down right in front of her and proceeded to kiss her feet. Apparently he didn’t realize that her thong had flung him backwards, and apparently we didn’t realize that his “swimming buddies” had “jumped in the pool” right when he was blasted across the bar! Fucking terrific! As I watched in horror I suddenly realized that creepy guy actually thought that he had just experienced an orgasm he could only fantasize about. An orgasm he could only have imagined in his wildest of dreams! WTF? Even more disturbing was the fact that Sheila was relishing in all of the foot licking bullshit. People in the bar were getting an idea of what had taken place. Of course, the women had one idea and the men had another. Suddenly all of the women were rushing to the bathroom to remove their thongs and the men were staring at Sheila like she was some kind of fucking goddess or something. Sheila and creepy guy (his name is actually Stan) were married one year ago Fourth of July. His pet name for her is “firecracker crotch.” Technically, he did actually bang her (just ask little Stan). Me, I usually just stay home now, but on those rare occasions when I do go out I make sure I’m wearing granny panties.

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Reviews

February 01, 2008

muses_own

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	100.0% (15 votes)	100.0%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27	F	Houston, TX	October 26

muses_own reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

This actually had me laugh. You managed to straddle the line between too few details to be real and too many details to be true. It is very amusing. Great conversational tone.