Young Adult / Post-Crisis

1.

The machines beep incessantly.  It’s the first thing he’s aware of when he wakes, and the only thing existing for far too long.  His eyelids are too heavy to open, and he can’t feel a thing.

He hates the hospital.  He can’t remember why, he’s too sluggish to even think, but there is something about the distinct smell invading his nose that turns his stomach inside out.  He slowly comes to awareness of a hand that clutches his own, fingers searing into his palm as their owner breathes loudly beside him.  â€œHey Chris.  Christian,” corrects a scratchy tenor.  It’s filled out enough to be a man’s, but Christian can’t help thinking of a lonely boy he should know.  â€œIt’s me.  I just wanted to say…” The boy swallows his words.  Fingers brush back Christian’s thin hair, tucking the strands behind his ear.  â€œSorry, again.  Just… wake up.  Please.”  His fingers squeeze Christian’s tightly before he goes.

Christian wants to say he’s been awake this whole time, scream it out, anything.  But no words come, his eyes don’t open, and his hand can’t seem to reach out to catch the boy’s sleeve before the heavy door to the room shuts quietly.

2.

It seems to him that the hospital is too bright.  It takes too much effort to squint open his eyes at first, and the only thing he sees are the florescent ceiling tiles and the blur of a man who sits at his bedside.  He blinks once, then twice, and then a third time, as things slide into focus.  The dark haired man is thin and graying, sitting in a chair pulled close.  His soft hands are curled in balls beside his face as he lays his head on the bed near Christian’s lap.  Christian is moved by the scene, even if he doesn’t know this man.  Gently, he touches the graying head.  Monitors clipped to his fingers tap against the man’s head, and he jolts awake.

“Nurse!” he ecstatically calls out the door, “Nurse!  My son is awake!”  He turns back with a wide smile and tears in his eyes.  ”Christian, you’re awake.  Thank God.”  Christian doesn’t know what to say to this, but he tries to smile.  It’s weak and it hurts his face, but it’s something.

3.

“Mr. Riley, there is no smoking in this hospital!”  Christian stirs at the sound of the nurse’s voice.  He attempts to bury his head back into his pillow, but the argument following doesn’t let him.

“I didn’t light it! See, look! It’s gone!  No, don’t kick me out-” The scratchy tenor sounds familiar to Christian.  Then he thinks back to his memories of being asleep, of an apologizing voice and strong fingers gripping his like he will wake up if they squeeze hard enough.  It’s the boy who was in Christian’s room when he woke.  He’s not Christian’s brother, and definitely not his father, so who is he and what is he doing here?

Christian peels open his eyes, and there he is, blond hair and green eyes, struggling with a nurse who is pushing him from the room.  He’s wearing a worn plaid shirt, jeans ripped in so many places, and a jacket on his arm.  He’s unshaven, eyes tired, face dirty.  What is his name?  Riley?  Riley-“Jam- ” Christian’s words halt with a cough, and they finally notice him.  Then it’s a whirlwind of doctors and nurses and Whatshisname Riley can’t get in a word edgewise.  In fact, he gets pushed clear out of the room while doctors attend to their patient.

4.

Christian’s father comes in the evenings.  He talks to fill the space and Christian listens as he describes Christian’s life.  He learns that he is a sweet seventeen-year-old boy, deathly ill but living as best he can.  He listens patiently as Mr. Hayes shows him an album of a premature baby who grew into a spunky little boy who became bald and thin through chemical treatments and grew into the lanky teenage boy with dark chestnut hair and big blue eyes and a smile that is shiny despite thin lips and pale skin.

He doesn’t have many questions, but when they get to the end of the book, Christian blurts, “Who is Jamie?”  He really has no idea where the question comes from.

Mr. Hayes stiffens at the name.  â€œWhy?” he asks, feigning casual.  â€œDid he come to see you?”  Christian has to think, because he can’t remember who Jamie is.  Jamie.  Jamie, James, Jameson.  Jameson Riley, that’s right.  Blond hair, green eyes, the boy Christian would follow to the end of the world.

“He says jump,” he explains to Katelyn, or tries, “I ask how high.”

“Yes,” Christian says slowly.  â€œI think.  I think he was here when I first woke up.” He recalls Jamie’s voice calling him in the darkness.  â€œHe’s been here lots of times.”

“Well, that’s not good.  That boy’s a walking asthma attack.  He’s probably been stressing you out, hasn’t he?”  Mr. Haye’s grip minutely tightens.  â€œI’ll have to tell the nurses to ban him.”  I don’t want you to associate with that boy anymore.  â€œFor now, just go back to sleep.  You must be tired of hearing me talk.”

5.

Christian is being prepared for a marrow transplant now, but that doesn’t explain his coma or his amnesia.  It’s driving him crazy, trying to figure out why, because no one says a word.  As days pass, he begins to remember how much he despises hospitals.  He begins to remember long waits and painful treatments and grim diagnostics.  He remembers being seven and learning he has leukemia.  He leaves everything he knows to live in Southern California, “For your health,” his father says, but he knows it’s for the children’s hospital with state of the art technology they never had in Devon.  He is twelve and meets Jamie that first day in middle school.  Jamie isn’t afraid of Christian’s baldness and doesn’t treat him like he’s made of glass.  Christian is in turn his only friend.  They are fourteen when he deliberately fails the high school placement exams to take classes with Jamie.  When they are sophomores, Jamie’s been smoking for years and Christian is envious of the freedom he has.  They’re seniors and Christian’s health is spiraling downward.  He spends a week at the hospital doing tests and Jamie never visits, which is okay because he’ll see the other boy in school either way.  Then Christian is a senior in Chemistry Lab, and Katelyn asks him just what his relationship with Jamie is.

“We’re like this: he says jump, I ask how high.  He says run, I ask how far.”

He remembers a lot, but he still feels like there is something missing.

6.

Jamie is always in his hospital room.  He must have dropped out of school by now, with all the classes he is missing.  Christian finds himself feigning sleep, unable to face Jamie with his open eyes.  Jamie makes him nervous when he hovers by his bedside like that.  Why is that Jamie, with no regards for rules, people, Christian or Christian’s feelings, finds the need to watch over him as he sleeps?  He has never been so soft, and that is what scares Christian most of all.  Jamie is known best for his callous edge, rejecting everyone and calling his parents by name.  Christian has been asked more than once how he can stand it, and he secretly questions the same of himself.

7.

They are caught skipping class for the umpteenth time and dragged into the principal’s office yet again.  â€œI mean, look at him,” Jamie says, indicating Christian.  He knows Jamie is only keeping you out of trouble, but… “He’s sick.  You can’t honestly think he’s tripping or smoking or anything.”

...it’s extremely irritating…

“I guess you’re right,” Mr. P concedes. “Drugs are especially bad for Christian, considering his condition, and you look out for him like a mother, don’t you?”

...how they talk about him…

Jamie grits his teeth but fakes a smile.  He hates Mr. P.  â€œThat’s right,” he says.  â€œChristian’s not doing anything under my watch.”
  
...like he isn’t even there.  I’m sick, not invisible! Christian wants to scream.  But he can never really hate Jamie, not when he allows him the slightest bit of freedom that no one else does.

8.

When Katelyn comes to visit, Christian is ecstatic.  She is such a pretty girl, and Christian’s had a thing for her since freshman year.  She comes into the room with a nervous glance at the brooding teen in the corner.  Jamie stands and pushes past her and lingers in the hallway, casting dark looks over his shoulder.  Katelyn smiles prettily and Christian finds himself falling for her again.

“Maybe I should go,” she says, looking out the doorway to Jamie.  â€œI mean, I’m missing Chemistry right now.”

“Don’t go,” Christian croaks.  He tightens his grasp on her fingers.  â€œStay, please.”

She smooths the hair from his forehead with a soft look in her eyes.  â€œJamie doesn’t like me,” she says.

“Jamie doesn’t control my life.”

Katelyn sadly smiles and says, “Don’t you remember what you told me?  That last day in school?”

He’s says jump, I ask how high.  â€œNo.”  He says run, I ask how far.  â€œI don’t.”  Jamie’s more than my best friend.  He’s the only one, you know.  â€œWhat did I say?” I’d follow him to the end of the world, he’s that important to me.

“You said lots of things.  â€˜Jamie doesn’t control my life’ wasn’t one of them.”

Christian shakes his head and doesn’t break his grip.  â€œPlease talk to me.  He sure as hell doesn’t, and I need some conversation around here.  How are classes going?”

Katelyn pulls up a chair and stays.

9.

Jamie gets suspended from school again, so Christian brings the lab work from Chemistry to his house and complete it there as he sits on the kitchen counter, lighting a fresh Lucky Strike.  â€œWhat’s that?” he questions idly, breathing out smoke.

“Chemistry homework,” Christian tells him as he runs his finger down the page, checking his calculations again.

“Oh yeah.  That lab was today, huh. Sorry.”

“No problem,” he replies, scribbling a conclusion.  â€œI should be thanking you.  Katelyn partnered with me.”

“Really now.”

“Yeah.  It was nice, having someone else to talk to for a change.  I like her.”  Jamie’s shadow falls over Christian, and he doesn’t even turn around before Jamie snubs his barely-smoke cigarette on the page.  â€œWhat the hell!” Christian exclaims, dropping his pen.  He glares at his so-called best friend and the telephone begins to ring.

“Whoops,” Jamie deadpans, moving away towards the ringing.  â€œSorry, I’ve got to answer that.  It’s probably Naomi.”  He has a satisfied half-grin on his face he never wears when he mentions his mom.  Christian huffs and turns his attention to his burnt notebook.

There isn’t a fire, thank God, but there’s a large spot burnt through pages and pages in Christian’s notebook.  He gives up and shoves everything back into his backpack.  Congratulations, he scolds himself silently.  He smells like smoke now, and his homework for the past three months is ruined.  He thinks that this must be Karma for helping Jamie get out of class without a qualm, insisting that he’s accompanying his friend to the nurses office for Christian’s pills every time.  Christian doesn’t even go to the office for his pills until lunch time, testing just how long he can go with out his medication until he begins to shake more than violently.  Sometimes he doesn’t make it that long before he has to throw up, Jamie offering no condolences as he thrusts his head into the trashcan.

10.

One day Christian’s dad comes to visit him during lunchtime.  Jamie’s still there, loitering in his hospital room, reading People’s Magazine.  His dad hasn’t banned Jamie yet, but he will now, after the fight they immediately launch themselves into.  He always did hate Jamie.

“Where were you?” he asks when Christian comes through the door.

“Jamie’s,” Christian tries saying neutrally.

“I don’t want you to associate with that boy anymore,” his dad orders, voice tightening.

“I’m seventeen!  I can do what I want!”  And suddenly it’s escalated into a shouting match.

“Don’t talk like that to me!  GO-“

“I’m going to my room!”  Christian’s statement is punctuated with a slam.

11.

Christian finds it hard to pretend to be asleep when he hears the shouting match in the hallway.  â€œWhy are you here?” his dad spits.  Christian gives up and struggles to sit upright to see the fight.  â€œYou’re the reason Christian’s here in the first place!”  The pieces start falling into place for him.

“Can I smoke?” Christian asks innocently.  Jamie glances at him.

“No.”

“If you’re referring to my habits, Mr. Hayes, it’s not as if I let him smoke or ingest any drugs!” Jamie retorts.

He chances it anyway, taking the cigarette dangling from Jamie’s fingertips.  He snatches it away just as quick, rounding on Christian furiously.  â€œDidn’t I tell you not to?  Jesus, Chris.  Do you have a death wish?  You have a freaking terminal illness.  Do you even know what harm this will do to your body?”

“I’m talking about the way you run his life!” Dad replies angrily.  â€œDon’t you see how he doesn’t have any friends?  And no, you don’t count, Jameson.  He’s terrified of what you do when he even talks to someone else!”

Christian catches Jamie watching Katelyn during Chemistry, if only because he watches her too.  He would be sure that Jamie is infatuated with her, except that on the rare occasions there are an odd number of people for a lab and Katelyn asks to join their pair, Jamie rejects her with a snap and a snarl.  â€œWhy do you hate her?” he asks him once.  Jamie only gives Christian a look of disdain before he lights up again.  â€œI mean, really, Katelyn’s gorgeous, and she asked to partner with you and me.”

“You mean she wants to partner with you,” Jamie says snidely.

“I don’t run his life!”  Jamie exclaims.  â€œDidn’t you know, he steals from me?  Yeah.  He’s deactivated the smoke detector in his room and steals my cigarettes and smokes them, two at a time.  I didn’t even know this until I took him to this hospital!”

Christian is pushed further into a foul mood after the shouting match with his father.  He slams the door behind him and throws his backpack as far as he can.  It lands on his bed and it still smells like smoke.  He had been planning on putting the batteries back into the smoke detector, but it’s just going to start beeping again.  So instead he slams open a drawer and pulls out a half empty carton he snatched from the economy sized box in Jamie’s garage and lights up.  He exhales, but it’s not relieving the not in his chest.  Everything that has happened recently, the week just spent at the hospital, Jamie landing detention the day after that, and then burning the notebook with all his homework from that class… On top of it all, no matter how much he liked Katelyn, her prodding earlier had been really irritating.  â€œJust what is your relationship to Jamie?” she asked.  Like he was supposed to know what that meant.  He breathes and exhales again, impatiently playing with the cigarette in his fingers.  He’s stressed, he’s guilty, he’s a dying man.  Why can’t anything take it all away?

“He almost died because he left with you!  What were you thinking, dragging him along with you when you left your home?  I don’t care if you’re eighteen; that doesn’t make you and adult, and it doesn’t mean you can commandeer the life of your so-called friend!”

He finally sits down at his desk and is trying to redo his whole lab notebook when Jamie climbs into the room and perches on his open windowsill. Christian panics and hits his head on the desk lamp when he says hi.  â€œWhat are you doing here?” he hisses, smoothly stuffing his stolen carton of Lucky Strikes in his back pocket as he turns around to face him.  He’s not even looking at Christian.

“Naomi kicked me out.  I was wondering if I could stay here.”

“No way!” Christian shrieks.  He’s standing facing Jamie with his back to his desk, fingers gripping the ledge so tightly he can feel the knuckles turn white.  Then he lowers his voice.  â€œMy dad hates you!”

“Then what do you suggest I do?”

There’s silence, as Jamie is shocked at Christian’s dad’s implications.

There’s silence, as Chris doesn’t know how to reply.

“I want,” Jamie voices shakily, “Whatever’s best for Chris.”

“Listen, I’m thinking of just taking off.  I mean, I am of legal age and all…” The thought of Jamie gone from his life is so strange to Christian.  He can’t imagine that at all.  â€œSo, come with me.”

“Huh?” It’s the only intelligent response Christian can think to say. Jamie holds out his hand and Christian stare.

“I mean, you can stay if you want, hold down the fort and all that, but…”   He tries not to sound hopeful.  â€œI’d really like you to come.”  Christian has never seen him so vulnerable since his mom had an abortion when he was fourteen.  He really wanted that baby.  He really wants Christian.  There’s no other reason that propels him across the room to take Jamie’s hand.

“I think it’s best if you just leave him alone.”

“It’s like this,” he tries to explain to her.  It’s so hard just to find the words.  â€œHe says jump, I ask how high.”

12.

“I’m stupid,” Chris coughs violently into his fist.  He huddles in his jacket in the passenger seat of Jamie’s car.  They are almost at the beach, and he can see the stars.  â€œI’m dying.  Didn’t even bring my medication.  You’ll bury me on the beach, won’t you?  While I’m busy crawling towards the light?”

“There’s no light at the end of a tunnel,” Jamie tells Chris, dry voice full of conviction.  He drives one handed, elbow resting on the door, smoke turning to wisps in the wind.  â€œThere’s a set of doors, so tall you’d break your neck looking up.  Like the doors to the courtroom.”  He brings his cigarette back to his lips, grips it there so he can use a free hand to put up the windows and canvas top.

“You’ve seen all this, have you?” Chris teases, sitting up.  The car’s a piece of crap and the heater doesn’t work.

“How else would I know?” That half-grin comes to his face again.  He notices Chris’ trembling and digs in his pocket, handing him a prescription bottle.

“How did you…?”  There are only five pills left.  â€œWhy are you still here?” he amends.

“You,” he says shortly.  Chris takes a pill and hopes that he is hallucinating Jamie’s tone of voice.

13.

Christian hates being at the hospital.  He hates the waiting, hates the food, hates everything.  He’s lived half of his life in the hospital and doesn’t care anymore for living in a world where he comes back to school and his peers stare and whisper at his back.  The psychiatrist tells his dad it is common for patients to feel despondent like this, but Chris just wants to scream that they don’t understand anything.  Chris hates this hospital most of all because he’s stuck here instead of out there riding shotgun in Jamie’s Mustang, going wherever the wind takes them.

But he’s bedridden and Jamie is sitting at his bedside, fingers tapping on the chair’s wooden arm.  Chris pretends to sleep though Jamie knows it’s fake.  He doesn’t say anything about it, opting to continue tapping restlessly.  Christian couldn’t sleep if he wanted, because the sound is so loud, like a caged bird forever rustling its wings.

“Chris,” Jamie says at length.  It is the first time he’s heard that voice since he’s been awake.  â€œI know you’re awake.  Listen, I just want to apologize.”  His voice wavers, and that show of emotion is exactly why Chris refuses to answer.  Jamie clasps Chris’ hands in his own and gives them a heartfelt squeeze.  â€œI didn’t mean for this to happen.  I just wanted to do something for you before I left.  You’ve never been to the beach, and you talked about how you wanted to camp out there at night sometime and sleep under the stars.  A kind of romantic notion, that.  But that’s you, always reading and trying to find out what you’re missing when your dad locks you up to keep you safe.  There’s so much you wanted, and I thought if I could just give you one…

“I was going to take you home in the morning, I swear.  I wasn’t about to run away with you.  You didn’t pack anything, and you were going to change your mind in the morning anyway.  For all your rebelliousness, you wouldn’t leave your dad for anything.

“But I didn’t expect it to be so cold.  I didn’t even notice when you ran out of pills during the night, and in the morning your lips were blue, and oh god, what if anything happened on the way back?  I could have crashed the car or ran off the road and at the speed I was going we would have died on impact.

“And why do we live so far away from the beach?  At the speed limit, it takes an hour to get back home.  Even speeding it takes a while, and you looked so sad curled in the passenger seat.  I was lucky to be stopped by that cop, and he even gave us a ride the rest of the way, because someone needed to keep you warm, and he kept the siren on so we could get here that much faster.

“Severe hypothermia by the time you were hospitalized.  My fault for taking a leukemic kid to the beach on a winter night.”  Jamie gasps wetly, and Christian realizes he is weeping.  Jamie, the most difficult, maladjusted man he has ever met is weeping.  It’s another reason for hating the hospital; it has turned the Jamie he knows into something else entirely.

Suddenly Christian knows, like some psychic intuition, just what Jamie is going to say next.  â€œDon’t,” he whispers, like it will stop Jamie’s tears.  Instead Jamie just looks through them into Christian’s wide open eyes.  â€œPlease don’t.”

“You’re going to live,” Jamie tells him. “They’re going to inject your dad’s bone marrow into you, and he’s a pretty much perfect match.  They excised the tumor in your lungs you got from smoking.  Tobacco and a weak immune system don’t mix well.  It’s gone, so it’s okay.  Just don’t smoke anymore.  Promise?”

“Pr-Promise,” Christian stumbles.

“And,” Jamie continues, “You’re going to go back to school.  You won’t be out of here for a while, and there will only be maybe a couple weeks until graduation, but you better be there.  You can have the gown Naomi ordered for me; I’m not going to use it.  I gave it to your dad.”

“Alright,” he says.  Jamie’s gown is just another reminder that he’s leaving for good.

“And,” Jamie starts, then stops.  He looks ashamed and embarrassed and angrily jealous all at once.  â€œGo to prom.  Take Katelyn, I know you like her.  I made sure she’d hold out for you, and the student council is waiving your fee.”

“Jamie…” Christian trails off.  It’s his turn to choke.  Christ, he hates this hospital.  Jamie is giving him everything he ever wanted, but only because he’s going for good. Jamie stands and steps away.  â€œPlease don’t go,” Christian pleads.

“I’ll stay if you tell me to stay,” Jamie says.

“Stay.”

He shakes his head.  â€œMake me stay.”

“How do I do that?” Christian cries out.  He can’t stop his own tears and grips Jamie’s hand hard.  â€œStay, Jamie!  You’re my best friend, and I need you here!”

Katelyn isn’t getting it.  She’s the girl of your dreams, but this something only you can understand.  â€œHe’s more than my best friend,” you tell her.  It feels so weird to say, but nothing has ever been truer.  â€œHe’s the only one, you know.”

“What did you mean?” Chritian blurts, changing tactics.  â€œWhat you said about the courtroom doors, that I kept you here.  How did I save your life?”  He thinks he knows the answer, but Christian wants to keep Jamie in his life for at least a moment longer.

“Don’t you know,” Jamie says, and his voice is a trembling calm, “How Naomi sleeps around on her absent husband?  When Anders comes home on his leave, he’s awful.  It’s not any better when Naomi spends all her time and money being beautiful and having fun.  She couldn’t care less what I do.  You know how many times I could have killed myself?  If it weren’t for you, Chris, I think I would have.

“I love you,” Jamie confesses, and something breaks, allowing Christian’s heart to plunge into his stomach and weigh like a thousand bricks.  His fingers loosen and fall slack away from Jamie’s.  â€œYeah, see?  I thought as much.”

“It’s not that,” Christian says hurriedly.  â€œI don’t care about that.”  Jamie just shakes his head and turns away.

“He’s only one for what?”  Katelyn asks.

Chris sighs and doesn’t know the answer, but the words come out of his mouth like air: “I’d follow him to the end of the world, he’s that important to me.”

Jamie leaves before Chris can stop him.

14.

Christian watches from his window as a man walks away.  He looks like he’s been through hell, even from the floors up.  His blond hair hasn’t been brushed and his t-shirt hasn’t been washed.  He looks up and counts the windows from the left to make sure he’s looking at the right room.  Christian waves and doesn’t know if he can see his painful smile.  Jameson Riley waves back.  Then he’s gone for good.

Reviews

Showing 1 - 10 of 14
Next →