Short Story / THE DONNIE
It all started in the ‘Big Apple’ of New York City not too far from Queens, where strange things occur annually to unsuspecting victims. To this day, not a soul has seen it and lived to tell their story…
…until now.
THE DONNIE
His alarm went off at six in the morning trying to wake Jonathan White as he lay in his bed. Still in bed ten minutes later, he didn’t want to get up. Jon was not normally a lazy person, though he slowly rose from his slumber and yawned while on his way to the window. “What a crummy miserable day”. He said as he gazed upon a day full of smog and rain for the third day in a row. Jon wanted to go to go back to bed still in his small eleventh floor apartmant. But he knew he couldn’t, for he had an appointment at a court trial. He was in his early 20’s, proud of his new job as a New York City D.A., that he graduated law school at the top of his class, and that he was the youngest in the state.
Not even twenty minutes later, the young lawyer strolled through the front doors of the complex heading for the Mercedes on the corner. He popped in and turned the key. The engine roared like a lion at first then turned into a soft purr of a pussy-cat. Jon’s new car looked as if it were a black panther sneaking into traffic unseen headed for downtown. To avoid the traffic he turned into a desolate alley in Queens; or so he thought it was desolate.
Jonathan White didn’t know that he might soon pay the price for taking that detour. Suddenly, less than fifty feet into the alley, the sun was eaten leaving total blackness. Soft clicking sounds came from darkness about the same time his engine dies. His memories flashed back from childhood stories of The Donnie told to him by his grandfather years ago. The Donnie was there laughing in the darkness while watching Jon scream with no one to hear. “What the hell is happening to me?!”, screamed the young lawyer, though in reality he didn’t want to know.
The thing in front of the Mercedes was the most horrifying thing he had ever seen. There was a dark aura around it, showing a face that appeared to be half melted off, leaving only skull. It was about eight feet tall, wearing old ragged cover-alls soaked red with blood. It had fingers that were long and boney with fingernails as if they were as if blades. This was frightening enough for anyone. But the one thing that paralyzed Jon with fear the most was it’s hideous laugh. It always sent horrid chills up his spine every time he heard it, turning him white as a ghost. That laugh kept going and going and wouldn’t stop, able to make any man mad with insanity.
He now remembered those stories from ago; it was now his turn to see the unstoppable face of evil. It will not stop until he is dead and eaten, even if it means getting him through his dreams. Jon had seen it before. It was The Donnie. He had witnessed the killing of his older brothers many years before. He was to paralyzed to move then too. He watched as The Donnie ate piece by piece their living, screaming bodies, from the crack of the car door. He now remembers it was fifteen years to the day that happened. It was now his turn. Emotions of rage, fear, and anger went through his mind all at once, making him even more scared of the beast outside.
It seemed as though The Donnie was taunting him for some sick purpose before his attack. Though it was remembering as well. It remembered the fun of that killing and the delicious taste of the child’s brothers’ flesh. It began to laugh louder as it stepped toward the car. Words from his grandfather came into his mind: “No one has ever found a way to defeat the monster that roams the alleyways of the city. Because no one has lived to tell the story.” Jon desperately, seemed like forever, to try to start the ignition of his Mercedes. He slowly got a hold of himself as the car started. Before he could put it in reverse, nine-inch daggers came in the side windows, slashing around. There was then a ripping sound as the top of his brand new car was torn off as the demon just threw it to the side like it was paper. He finally shifted into reverse.
The Donnie chased him as he raced backwards to his world. Its mouth open, showing rows of long broken jagged teeth, stained black. Saliva ran from the corners of his lips ready to taste him. The blonde, brown-eyed attorney pumped the accelerator in reverse as The Donnie took a leap at the remnants of the car. Landing on the hood, it whipped its claws through Jon’s chest, clean and deep, knocking him unconscious. The Mercedes sped faster and faster uncontrollably as The Donnie was about to eat his head, when the rear bumper suddenly wrapped around a phone pole in Jon’s world. Jon’s new black Mercedes was split almost in two and…
The alarm went off again at six thirty and Jonathan got up instantly. He remembered his dream the night before and looked down at his chest. It was streaming with gouts of blood from four long, deep slices across it. His neck also had points of blood on it. His face turned to horror as he screamed, knowing that somehow his dream was true.
THE END
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overall i think it was a really nice story!!! :)
it was very itneresting,.,. (and i wonder if monsters like that do exist??? hahaha)
well,.,. there are a few typos,.,. (there are at least two,.,. i think,.,. i saw on the first and second page,.,.)
really interesting read!!! ;)
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Sorry but this seems sort of cliche. Not the plot, just that he had this experience when he was dreaming. There are a few grammatical errors nearing the end. I liked the introduction. Amazing grabber! However, I don’t like the ending, I feel as if you should give the stories the main character’s grandfather used to tell him. I think this is well written for a highschooler. Now that you’re older I hope you consider revising this story to try and publish it. Keep up the good work!:)
This piece is readable and enjoyable although it does bear the hallmarks of a King pastiche. You really need to review the story and re-write. Elements of it are usable.
I think you could give us more about the donnie. Not just a description but waht is it where is it from? how long has it been there? why does it stalk him?
Although your writing style is exiting it needs updating. What makes a good horror story these days?
Your piece has numerous errors.I won’t waste your credits on pointing them all out. Sometimes it helps to work through piece backwards when proof reding
i.e
It had fingers that were long and boney with fingernails as if they were as if blades.
as if they were as if blades?
Soft clicking sounds came from darkness about the same time his engine dies.
there is a change of tense here.
able to make any man mad with insanity.
mad with insanity.
The ending is predictable. It would be nice if you could find a different twist.
You should work on this it does have potential.
“He was in his early 20’s, proud of his new job as a New York City D.A., that he graduated law school at the top of his class, and that he was the youngest in the state. “
this can be two sentences. Is he proud that he graduated youngest in the state, or he’s the youngest D.A. in the state? Its ambigious.
“about the same time his engine dies” – you switch tenses with “dies”... keep it all past tense throughout the work.
The Donnie is not a very ominous name for a monster. Is there any reason Donnie is chasing this attornery? HAs he done some sin? The thing ate his brothers, is it something in the blood line. I want to know why the donnie is targeting this family. Why not other families. Why not everyone? MAybe you could give some backstory as to why its called the Donnie, and then also make that story show who/why he’s attacking specific people.
As far as the slicing blow to his chest, i don’t think that would knock him out. Knock the wind out of him, sure. Have him hit is head in addition to the blow.
This is a fairly well written piece, but i didn’t care all that much for the lawyer, and the monster was a bit blah. Watch out for using specific geometric dimensions when describing characters, instead of “8 feet tall” compare it to something that is about 8 feet tall. Also, is it important to the reader that the lawyer is brown hair and blue eyed, as he’s reversing for his dear life?
Cheers,
James
The story is there but you can tell it was written at a young age. Maybe if you go back to it now and have another crack at it, it will read better. Still not a bad effort for a high school story
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