Thanks..I added “Until” in the last revision because people kept whining for it, but I like it better without.
Poetry / Astral Plane
Taunted by the secrets
that flicker in your eyes
And I’m forced
through blackened doorways;
sleepless dreams urging me on.
Drawn by whispered wishes
to the sea of Never Was
which lies between eternity
and the cold, horrendous void.
Currents filled with laughter lost
echo cries of anguish past.
Yet I plunge deep
through waves of torment
blindly reaching for…
A flash of sweet exhaustion
lies within your calm embrace.
Inhaling sweet serenity:
Sense of balance, inner peace.
The almost-fusion,
fading fast,
is lost through dissipation.
Captured instead by an early dawn.
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JustGeneric reviewed Version 4 -
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Great poem! I thought it flowed well and the tone really conveyed a sense of desperation. The only part I would change is instead of putting “The almost-fusion” and “fading fast,” on seperate line, I would put them on the same line to have that part of the poem better rhythm. But the theme really came through, and I think you have some talent here. Thanks for sharing!
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manoj reviewed Version 4 -
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lovely poem…enjoyed reading.Ending is excellent.
Cheers!
badhabits reviewed Version 4 -
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I really enjoy the line “the almost-fusion”. That is really clever and beautiful. There are a few points where the language is a little choppy but overall I think this is very sweet.
bjohnny reviewed Version 4 -
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poetry is not normally my go but i like this . i guess all artists aim for perception whether it is the one they have created or the one created via the reader . to me this struck a chord with me i understood it as loving someone and participating in it even though you know it will do you harm . i love ” that flicker in your eyes , being forced by sleepless dreams through blackened doorways(sic) . i feel this , i feel your emotion and it is mirrored by so many but rarely put so eloquently.
skylight7908 reviewed Version 4 -
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I enjoyed this. It is elegant yet to the point. good use of words. I enjoy the flow. It was easily understandable.
darkthought69 reviewed Version 4 -
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I don’t know to much about styles, other ten my own, But I did like it.
My favorite line is drawn by wispered wishes to the sea of never was.
Nice pull!
SandraLapthorn reviewed Version 4 -
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Nice work. However I was wondering if you should repeat sweet so soon after saying “sweet exhaustion” You go on to say “sweet serenity” two lines later.There are no other repititive words in the poem, so this stands out as out of place to me. Overall I liked the poem though …good luck with your writing
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 3 -
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I love the title and how it relates so well to the imagery in your poem, although I had to dig for the Theosophic definition – when I first read it I was confused since I was looking for star metaphors. The flow is well thought out, but stumbles from “Yet I plunge….calm embrace.” I had to keep reading it, overly conscious of punctuation to make sense of it. I would suggest dropping Until on the 4th line from the bottom or change the punctuation around – it sounds like a fragment in its current state.
supra_speed reviewed Version 2 -
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to me, this has potential. im not saying its bad and im not saying its good. i think if you took alot more time and put it into this it would be a splendid piece.
i think you have the ultimate thought of what you want this piece to be, but lack the description of what you wanna say exactly.
for example the first line, blindly reaching for… exactly what is the purpose of this line, and how does it coincide with the rest of the poem?
the second and third lines are good, however “a flash of sweet exhaustion, and inhaling sweet serenity” are dull to me.
the sixth seventh and eighth lines are kind of weak for me as well. more specifically, what is the almost fusion? what is fading fast? and what is lost to you?
like i said earlier, if you sit down and put some more thought of what your trying to get at with this it will turn out great. i think you have talent, i believe it just needs shaped, and i hope this review helps. thanks for sharing
Timeless reviewed Version 2 -
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I enjoyed the dream like quality of this poem. It has whisps of surrealism, but not so much that the reader get lost in the language. The first two and the last two lines tie the piece together so the reader gets a true feeling of what the whole things about.
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Version 4
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