Haiku/Senryu / A 'Joke Parable' in Four Haiku

This is cute, though I wouldn’t haiku (not 5-7-5, not about nature, about humans).  I think you would do better just to call it a poem.  Your fourth stanza contains you have three words/syllables per line in a few places, but most of it is two.  You could easily make all of it two instead.  :)

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December 21, 2007

by Aachen

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It’s probably more properly a series of hokku (my memory for the forms is a bit rusty). Given the linguistic differences and understanding I’ve got, I toss the five-seven-five syllabic count out. Thanks, though.

Alas that there is no junkheap here specifically for hokku; that (and the requisite BIG SIGN) would clean up the haiku set a bit.

Still, you’re correct that the extant is, in essence, monometer.

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wats dis bleem di?

i guess i dont get the joke

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December 13, 2007

by Aachen

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Clarify. I don’t understand “wats dis bleem di?”

Do you intend “What’s this ‘bleem’ [[di: seriously I have no clue what “di” represents]]?”

December 13, 2007

by weepingclouds

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DIAMOND isnt dat wat u rote?

wat de hek is bleem i asked u. forget di

December 14, 2007

by Aachen

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I like to understand before I reply,
communication being the process it is.

“Bleem” is a coinage, something like
“gleaming” and “beam” in intent.

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This is hard to “grade” as haiku/senryu because each stanza does not follow the 5-7-5 syllable count; in fact, none of them do.

That said, this is a very cute and whimsical POEM about kite-flying: great sounds and sweet, goofy images.  I’d retitle it and put in on the poetry queue.

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November 30, 2007

by Aachen

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Yeah, this is a common
statement about the haiku
I post here; if it isn’t too
much a bother, my thoughts on
the form can be found spread
among comments to the reviews
posted previously. Thank you, though.

December 03, 2007

by ThomasAlan

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Thanks.  It’s always the poet’s call.

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I like this series of Haiku up until “bleem diamond”... only because I don’t know what “bleem” means. I liked the “plonk”, “blop”, “shrish” sounds as well.

Lol!This piece was written with humor and vision. Bleem, indeed!

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October 22, 2007

by Aachen

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Well, thank you; any other thoughts? Suggestions? Granted, there aren’t a lot of words to play with.

November 22, 2007

by haikudo

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I would have used “shrikt” instead of “shrish”. The kt sounding of broken balsa wood.

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I’m really not sure what you’re shooting for here.  I think you should expand on some of the ideas by adding syllables and describe what is going on better.

This does not make sense and these are not Haikus. They have nothing to do with nature AND they do not follow the 5-7-5 pattern. Kites are cool though.

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October 21, 2007

by Aachen

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Why doesn’t it make sense?

Sure makes a review more useful if you provide substance.

It’s a shame that you haven’t read earlier discussion on the piece; it might make my thoughts on your perspective clearer.

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Perhaps it is just me, but there is nothing Haiku about this piece. Haiku is 5/7/5 and i can’t seem to find it anywhere.
Haiku’s are specail because they tell you alot about something in a brief and elegant way. Your piece has 30 words and I am baffled. I would be interested to read some comical haiku’s from you though if you ever choose to do so.

bleem diamond? if you write a haiku atleast spell your words right. but I guess I got some sort of a kick out of this one, though Kites do nothing for me, who the hell flys kites anymore