young chinese elm
rotten tractor-tire
neither blooms
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I like your imagery. Line 3 is bugging me though. It is assumed that neither blooms. You are missing a chance to open this up a bit and really make the fragment shine in this ku. It is nice as is, but I think adjusting that line would make this ku very powerful.
This is a photographic still life: a dumping ground somewhere, or an unkempt lawn. I assume the tree has some sort of disease. I believe I have reviewed this author’s work before, so I know that strict syllable counts are not a preference (so I won’t speak about that)....however, the one thing I wonder about in this portrait of decay is the word “blooms”: ought it not to be something more elemental like “lives” or “thrives”? Just a thought. Otherwise, a stark, sad, and quietly haunting vision. How about a title?
Pofound imagery.
nice juxtapo
10 for overall
Definitely profound. I get that this is a non-traditional haiku format, but I am curious if there is a name for your particular format, as it is 4-5-3 syllables.
Wow! I really enjoyed this! This type of connection would take forever for me to come up with. I would conside adding a period to the end of the second line to add a pause.
Very traditional in all the basic of haiku and as close as you can get with the difference we have syllable count. I think the is classic.
Nice contrast of human waste and nature. But I think some of the meaning is lost, because although “neither blooms,” it seems that one is still more beautiful than the other. I really do like it though.
I had a hard time figuring this one out. Neither the elm nor the tire blooms? Living v/s Non-living? Nature v/s Waste?
Not sure if you are aware that a Haiku is supposed to be 5-7-5 not 4-5-3 (number of syllables on each line).
Aside from THAT…this was nice. Not sure exactly what you are saying…first line relates to a tree, I suppose. Second line about a tractor tire that’s old/rotten/bad/something like that. Third …AH..just got it. Sometimes it helps to break it down, I suppose. lol
Keep up the writing!
Gary Anderson
www.myspace.com/jazzysoul2k6 <—some of my short stories are on there.
I love the contrast between the young, new, life-filled tree, still waiting for the bloom of adulthood, and the “rotten tractor tire” long retired from its prime…Very well done!
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