Thank you for your review. I disagree the rhymes have to be exact, ‘moon’ and ‘dune’, and I find it a bit boring and rigid. I write a lot of lyrics where exact rhymes aren’t as important, so I find ‘world’ and ‘pearls’, etc., more interesting. I do enjoy structure but I also like to stray from it at times. I was structuring the sonnet more along the lines of a Shakespearean sonnet. I never knew the couplet was not supposed to rhyme with the last line of the last quatrain. I thought as long as the two lines of the couplet rhymed, it was okay. I will have to do some homework on that. I would probably only remove the 2nd ‘blue’ in the 1st stanza because I think it is not necessary there, and possibly remove it from the couplet. Something I’ve been thinking about, too. Thanks again.
Poetry / Sonnet (Blue)
Yesterday I stood at the edge of the world
And fell into wide, open eyes of blue,
Oh, deep, blue eyes, more blue than midnight pearls
That shined and laughed and glistened at the moon.
Today we danced like lovers in the rain
As drops of golden heaven kissed my eyes.
Your soft, warm lips devoured all my shame
And burned blue-fired fever down my spine.
Tomorrow when the sun goes down I’ll cry
And go to sleep forever next to you
Till again someday I ‘waken at your side
And smile to see we both are dressed in blue.
In you, sweet blue, my life is all that’s true,
I want no life if life is without you.
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you expressed your passion well and your emotions are very vibrant. I really liked how you described how you got lost in their eyes and become innocent at their kiss.
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I’m not sure what sonnet form this is, but I couldn’t decipher a rhyming scheme. You have 14 lines, so that’s correct form. Shakespearean sonnet: ababcdcdefefgg. Petrarchan sonnet: abbaabbacdecde or abbabbacdcdcd or abbaaccadedeff. I’m not seeing any of these rhyming schemes, probably because of the forced rhymes. I believe you were working on an ababcdcdefefff. But “world” and “pearls”, “blue” and “moon”, and “eyes” and “spine” aren’t really rhymes (although world and pearls is close -“dah” – harsh d vs. “ss” – sibilence).
You definitely have pentameter going on here.
Content: The word blue is repeated several times. There is too many filler words to make the pentameter, which takes away from the richness of the text. Tighten up on the images, and look for alliteration, “stronger” allusion, sibilence, internal rhyme, etc. to raise the lyricality of the lines.
Good attempt.
There certainly is a sense of ecstasy in this poem that perhaps goes over the top a bit. Who are these people, I don’t get a sense of either of them or sense of place, it’s as if they are lovers on some acid trip falling into pools of blue and can’t get enough of one another. Why will she cry when they fall asleep together forever? Someday they’ll wake up? When? Next week, next month? And why will they be dressed in blue? Did they go to sleep dressed in blue? Though it is lyrical in nature, many of the lines don’t make a lot of sense, such as, “in you… my life is all that’s true.”
This entire piece was very tired. The sonnet has been done and overdone again and again by the best poets; there’s really no use in trying to do it unless you are spectacular, and it was far from spectacular. The rhyming was awkward and unnecessary.
Your imagery is so cliche—eyes shining at the moon, dancing like lovers in the rain, warm lips…it’s all been done. Break out of this! Try to create something that no one’s seen before. You obviously have a poetic voice, but it’s been completely lost in the form of this piece. Start with free verse, and then work up to something like this (not the other way around). Keep writing! Good luck!
Very powerful. I like yesterday, today, tommorrow, way of starting each stanza. “blue-fired fever” very good too. Are you truly 99? “Life” is used a lot at the end. Is there anyway to work with that and change it up a bit? Thanks.
Reads mellifluously well, identifying the poet as having a strong command of the language, at least until the last two lines. What happened? Such clever use of language throughout, like a team of strong horses, kept in line by the bit in their teeth; then the charioteer lets loose the reins of language so much that the chariot is torn apart. I don’t get it. What happened?
The form and content recall the Shakespearean, and fit together nicely. There are some bits that seem cliched or sappy to me, “drops of golden heaven kissed my eyes” is kind of a turn off, because it seems like a metaphor thrown together for its pretty words and not much meaning. If there is more of a meaning that I’m missing, forgive me. All except the last line of stanza three was content wise rather “blah” as well. You’ve executed the form quite well, though, and I did like this altogether, but there’s always room for improvement!
Blue is my favorite color.
I like this poem. The imagery was captivating and moving.
Especially the first stanza.
”Yesterday I stood at the edge of the world
And fell into wide, open eyes of blue,
Oh, deep, blue eyes, more blue than midnight pearls
That shined and laughed and glistened at the moon.”
Wow. “more blue than the midnight pearls.” a love that metaphor.
I imagine looking into a lover’s eyes and feeling that overwhelming compassion, almost warping itself around you like a warm blanket.
My only issue with this poem is the second to last stanza, I don;t think it’s clear enough, specifically this line :
“Till again someday I ‘waken at your side ”
From the other stanzas a I was under the impression that they had been by your side the whole time.When did hey leave? Why? Where did they go?
Other than that, it was an amazing piece.
Keep writing.
-j.m. romig (the Catalyst)
Good emotional poem..gave me a sad yearning feeling for a departed love and the color blue is “icing on the cake”
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