Haiku/Senryu / This Haiku Just Got Senryud... Again... and Again...

This could be the best haiku ever!

I like how the first few were about senryu/haiku and the last one actually was one. A pleasant surprise. Humorous and still good in composition. Nice.

Happy writing.

-K.S.

I found this to be funny and clever, so high scores for the amusing/entertaining/heartwarming criteria. :)

that’s funny ~ like a haiku sestina ~ never read haiku so tongue in cheek, good humored and free of self importance.

general show don’t tell criticism: in penultimate line, i’d consider removing the telling word “profoundly”, and instead show profundity. the word “profound” works satirically in the opening voice. but you seem to contrast the tone in the last three lines, which could be a potent device if they contained a profound image for ex.

if any of this is unclear [or if you felt like collaborating on the ending], please feel free to write.

yours, mw

p.s. this thing makes me vote. how odious, grading poetry. misses the spirit of the endeavor, no? stock 10 to all.

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August 19, 2007

by ScottBJohnson

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What do you think of these lines instead:
Ambitious Haiku
Mind no mind within without
Help me to reach zen

something like that.

August 19, 2007

by ScottBJohnson

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Ambitious Haiku
Leave literal search for zen
Reaching mind no mind

August 19, 2007

by Wituckatron

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“ambitious” has gotta go

the power of haiku come from images

read BASHO, father of haiku [trans. lucianb stryk!]. read BUSON who was also a painter and whose vivid poetic imagery is almost visible. look at buson’s paintings.

paul reps has a nice collection of master student question and answer called “zen flesh, zen bones”.

haiku plummets
through no mind—
sun!

capture images crisply and they will give your reader much more to chew on…

     Butterfly
sleeping
     on the temple bell

Buson

     Coolness—
the sound of a bell
     as it leaves the bell.

Buson

*

maybe
zen = attention
...?

August 19, 2007

by Wituckatron

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the spacing on that last
completely removed—
URBIS!

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My friend round the bend
Closes his mind all is zen
Poignant senryu

Haiku tried to peak
Every time some guy is there
Constant senryu

Eyes stare unblinking
I will see and be it all
Senryu vision

All night in garden
Or some in your lady friend
Sexy senryu

Wake up next to her
The whole world can’t do haiku
Senryu sunrise

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August 19, 2007

by ScottBJohnson

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I bow to the Haiku master. Both clever and zen.

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Interesting Haiku. I like how you did a bunch of them, but I’m wondering about this senryu. Maybe I have to read your others to understand it. Good job though, keep up the poeting… or whatever they call writing poems…

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August 20, 2007

by ScottBJohnson

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haikudo and I were having this friendly little game of Haiku vs. Senryu. haikudo is really talented. I’m just having fun. He’s way out of my league.  Here’s a Senryu link: http://members.aol.com/usdare2/senryuis.htm

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A clever senryu,
or a scandulous hiaku?
Poets heed no rules.