Poetry / Exodus

Exodus

The night descends and here you are, haunting me-
from three thousand miles and three million memories away.
Clutching my heartstrings you pull- hard until they snap,
and I watch you swing out-far over the deep black ink
of the dream sea. Our star blinks cold and empty against
the forever. You won’t let go-and you won’t come back.
I am twisting and all the world seems to shrink.

You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.

Reviews

January 22, 2008

manoj

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
73	67.9% (28 votes)	22.5%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
60	M	India	May 26

manoj reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I liked reading.It’s emotional. I particularly liked ‘deep black ink of deep sea’.
Good luck in love.

add/view comments (1)

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
62	75.0% (32 votes)	20.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
28	F	Colorado Springs, CO	June 04

January 20, 2008

Johnsienoel

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
505	90.5% (264 votes)	25.3%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
39	F	United States	December 02

Johnsienoel reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Your imagery is well thought out but punctuation and structure make it a clumsy read. Clean it up a bit though editing and this will strenghten the message you are trying to convey.