Thank you very much for this! Your and Elims review inspired me to write some more. I have to admit, I have not actually touched this form months, partially due to some personal circumstances but that is an entirely different story… :-)
Short Story / Beginning of something bigger
There was never a good time to call her. No matter what time it was, she always sounded rather grumpy when she picked up the phone. After a while he learned to differentiate between varying degrees of grumpiness, so at least he knew when better not to ask her when the next painting would be ready.
For example, if she picked up the phone and yelled “What!” into it, then she was in the middle of painting and the receiver was now most likely sticky and yellow, or green or blue and some other colour she had cooked up. And cooked up is meant quite literal here. She tended to make her own paint and technically it would be all edible although one may presume that she would be rather pissed off if someone ate one of her paintings.
Or she said “Hello…” where the “llo” was about two notes higher than the “he” and it had a sort of a high pitch to it not the audible question mark that most people put at the end of “Hello?” when they pick up the phone. That “Hello…” indicated, that she was being generally bothered by the phone call but she was at least willing to give you about 30 seconds, to quickly speed-talk the approximately five minutes worth of conversational information into it and hope, that she understood enough to ponder on it after she had, quite rudely, hung up the phone without so much as a good bye.
Worst though was, when you could here the phone being picked up and then a swooshing noise followed by loud clanking and then either nothing or the busy signal. That usually meant, that the phone had just desperately tried to sprout wings while being flung across the room but, understandably, had miserably failed to do just that and had, as a result, crash landed, probably between a bunch of paint pots, glasses and other things and had either lost its battery or was now lying there, contemplating its miserable existence.
And today, exactly that had happened. Annoyingly he really would have needed a “Hello…” the one with the high pitched “llo”, so he could have told her about the three paintings that had sold at last nights art exhibition. Or the fact that he had used some of the money to pay her outstanding rent payments and that he managed to get her phone reconnected. Latter of course would have been a rather pointless thing to say, as of course, since she had actually picked up the ringing phone, she already knew that. Although whether she actually knew, that it had ever been disconnected was an entirely different matter.
So. grudgingly, he made the decision to go on a reckless but noble, and if memory served him right, rather dangerous mission.
And he had the scar above his right eye to prove it, too.
Proof that it was foolish anyways… He would have to go into the lions’ den, the dragons’ lair, the devils’ pit! He was simply going to have to go and see her and tell her in person. Mailing the money and a letter would be a lot simpler, and much less nerve wrecking but after the last time, where he found out, that she had actually burned her mail without screening through it and used the ashes in her painting, an incident, where the value of that particular painting should have instantly gone up 3000 dollars, as that was the amount the check was over that she had burnt, he thought that, though very tempting, was not a good idea.
At least the painting was aptly named “Gone up in smoke”…
She just suddenly realised that she was no longer walking through the forest but jumping, no dancing through it. Scents of moss and bark and something indefinable, sort of sweet smelling had enchanted her senses and the overwhelming sensation to dance and jump, well it got the better of her. The ground was damp and she felt the water squish through in-between her toes every time her bare feet touched the ground.
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IndyWalsh reviewed Version 1 -
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‘After a while he learned to differentiate between varying degrees of grumpiness..’
- There should be a comma after ‘while’
‘middle of painting and the receiver was now most likely sticky and yellow..’
- ‘was’ should be replaced with ‘would now be’ and then scrap ‘most likely’.
‘That “Hello…” indicated, that she was being generally bothered by the phone call but she was at least willing to give you about 30 seconds, to quickly speed-talk the approximately five minutes worth of conversational information into it and hope, that she understood enough to ponder on it after she had, quite rudely, hung up the phone without so much as a good bye.’
- Fairly long sentence. Could be cut into shorter ones to allow it to flow better.
‘Mailing the money and a letter would be a lot simpler, and much less nerve wrecking but after the last time, where he found out, that she had actually burned her mail without screening through it and used the ashes in her painting, an incident, where the value of that particular painting should have instantly gone up 3000 dollars, as that was the amount the check was over that she had burnt, he thought that, though very tempting, was not..’
-Another huge sentence. Shorter and sharper sentences have more of an impact. Long sentences tend to drag on and confuse the reader. So I’d steer clear of that.
Other than that, It seemed like a pretty sharp story, I liked it. It could be a little more dramatic if it is the beginning of a novel but its great non the less.
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lluuiiissaa reviewed Version 1 -
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the sentences are a bit long and hard to follow but the way you picked right up into the description of this woman sets the scene great. i can perfectly picture this woman. i’m not quite sure about the last little paragraph, maybe i missed something or maybe its the beginning to a new part. if its a new part then i like the sudden change, it pulls interest. maybe a few more spaces or a few *s would make the space less confusing.
MARCH reviewed Version 1 -
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You kind of got me interested in the strange artist. Taking time to describe the strange things like making paint and burning her mail. Made her a very interesting character.I usually try to predict where these stories, but it couldn’t with this. THats a good thing. A lot of people will complain this wasnt long enough, but you do tell us that in your note. Anyways I enjoyed reading this even though it was just an introduction of one character.
Elim121 reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this very much. The way you described each level of the artists moods from the man’s point of view was very telling and informative. It helped set the mood for what I’m sure will come later in the story. I only have 2 comments or observations. It would be nice to know who ‘he’ is. You may be trying to keep that a secret for later but it would have been nice to know this character’s name since it looks like he will be one of the main characters. The other thing that kinda distracted me was the start of another scene at the very end. I would have prefered you left off with the first scene because I wasn’t getting what was happening. I kept going back and reading trying to figure out how the last 3 lines fit in but finally I understood that this was going to be a novel not a short story. You were starting another scene to your book. Other than those 2 things I think you are talented and have great promise. Good job.
LexiLane reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the beginning of the story, but was lost with that last paragraph. I really enjoyed the description of the many different ways the woman may answer the phone, especially the option in which the phone decides to just hell with it and make a break for it. Although it could get a little wordy and therefore a bit hard to follow as individual sentences, it was good descriptive writing, and made me laugh. You did have a few spelling mistakes, and grammatical errors (the main one I noticed was commas in unnecessary places) . . and on the second page, you use the ‘wrecking’ instead of the correct word ‘wracking’. Overall, I enjoyed it.
rck419 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very…drawn out. Half of it is trying to explain how someone answers the phone. I’m not really sure where you’re going here, although u might be leaving it at that. You need an order of events, past present future. It’s very dull and odd.
AstridM reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this does have merit. Although some of the sentences come out a little on the clunky side, I like your style and think the clunkiness can be fixed with just a bit of work.
More than anything, you’ve given a clear picture of the artist character, but no real plot yet. As far as turning this into a novel, I’d like to see where you’re going with it.
The last bit after the break that starts with “She just suddenly realised…” – I was confused about this part. Was it a part of this story? It didn’t seem to connect to it at all.
wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you have a good narrative voice and I found the piece to be humorous while at the same time giving me some insight into the personalities of these two characters. However, the pacing was slowed down at bit with too much detail about the way she answers the phone. I felt like your character was rambling on somewhat. When that happens, it makes most readers want to skip ahead. I was also a bit confused by the last paragraph that was left incomplete, but I realize this is just the beginning to your novel. Overall, I do feel the beginning shows some merit and you should continue writing. I look forward to reading more of you work.
DaltonRagnarok reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought this was very well written. The story flowed very well through each paragprah and it evn had some humor mixed in there. Keep up the really great qriting
PrincesswriterC reviewed Version 1 -
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Dear Writer,
To answer the question you asked; this story does indeed have merrit as a part of a story. You did an excellent job of showing and explaining your character, and her nuerotic personality.
I got lost in the last paragraph but I figured that is where you were going to lead into the rest of the story.
Your writing style is clear and understandable. Keep at it!
Smile,
Princesswriter
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