THank you for reviewing. Yeah, that mistake is bugging me, I spliced this from two drafts, and I used the line in both, and somehow missed it. I’m glad you liked it.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Mercy's Price Chapter 4
Claire woke up, and took stock of her situation.
Ugly couch. She was at the twins’ then. There could not be two such ugly couches in the world.
Soft blanket. She must’ve dozed off. What had they been doing? She felt like she’d just been doing an all nighter to study for exams. Exams weren’t until next month, though.
Sore throat. That made no sense. She didn’t feel sick.
A hand on her shoulder. Who?
“Lady, they are only dreams. They cannot harm you.”
She tried to roll over so she could see who it was, and crashed into someone’s chest and shoulders. As she untangled herself from the blanket and whoever it was, she heard one of the twins yell something and then a scuffle.
Claire shook her head to clear it and managed to get herself upright. She looked over, and saw one of the twins, Jacob, holding some strange guy’s arms behind his back. Claire rubbed her eyes, figuring for a moment that she was still dreaming, and then her mind cleared and she remembered. It was that kid she’d found last night. He called himself Ryu. Why was Jacob holding him, and why did Josh look about ready to punch him?
“Guys? What’s your malfunction?” she asked.
All three looked at her as if they’d forgotten she was there.
“You okay, Claire?” Josh asked.
“He didn’t hurt you, did he?” Jacob added a moment later.
“Hurt me? What?”
“You screamed,” Josh said.
“And then we came down here and this freak was all over you.”
Ryu shook his head in silent protest, but didn’t speak up. He didn’t even struggle.
“That’s because I rolled over onto him,” Claire said, “Sorry about that. You startled me.”
“I apologize, Lady.”
Lady? “My name’s Claire, remember?”
“Yes.”
“Guys, let him go,” Claire said. “He wasn’t doing anything.”
“How’d you roll over onto him, if he wasn’t near you?” Jacob asked.
“I’m going to guess he was checking on me because I screamed,” Claire said.
Ryu nodded once, confirming her guess.
“Why’d you scream, then?” Josh asked, still glaring suspiciously at their guest.
“I don’t know. Nightmare, probably. Seriously. Let him go. We spent way too much time and effort patching him up to hurt him now.”
Jacob reluctantly let go of Ryu’s arms. He stepped away from the twins and returned to the couch, rubbing at his wrists. He kept his eyes locked on Claire, which was kind of odd. She hadn’t attacked him.
Claire shrugged it off and went to grab the first aid kit, or what was left of it, anyways. She needed to change those bandages before he got an infection on top of everything else.
She sat beside Ryu on the couch.
“Seriously, guys, what’d you think he was going to do? I don’t think he’s in any state to squash a bug right now,” Claire said while she sorted through the now meager contents of the first aid kit. She’d have to restock it next time she went to the store.
“He might’ve had a knife,” Jacob said.
“Where?” Claire asked. It was a valid question. Ryu was, after all, wearing only bandages and most of a pair of jeans. Not a lot of room to hide a weapon.
“He could’ve gotten it from the kitchen,” Josh said.
Ryu held both hands up to show they were empty.
“Sorry about them,” Claire said, “They’re a little over protective.”
Ryu shrugged. “It is good to have friends who will defend you.”
“Guess you’re right,” she said, reaching for his still outstretched right hand, “Here, I’m going to check your bandages. Jacob, would you mind fixing some coffee? I think we all need it.”
“Sure,” Jacob said.
Something was a little off about the gauze wrapped around his wrists. It was tied in a bow. She hadn’t done that, had she?
“Was I that punchy last night?” she asked as she tugged the knot free, careful not to pull too hard and dislodge any dried blood.
“No, I did that,” Josh said, “After you fell asleep.”
“Oh. Sorry, guys. I was so tired I don’t even remember going to sleep.”
Claire unwrapped the bandages. She checked Ryu’s wrist. Then, she checked the bandages. Yes, there was blood there. She reached for Ryu’s left wrist and untied that knot, considerably faster than she had the right one. She checked that wrist. She then stood up and put herself out of arm’s reach of the boy on the couch.
“Claire?” Josh asked.
She pointed mutely at Ryu, who held his arms out in a kind of shrug. His wrists, clearly visible, showed only faint, circular scars where metal bars had been forced between the bones.
There was a long moment of silence as the twins absorbed the sight. Ryu tilted his head slightly and waited for a reaction. Claire took a deep breath, got herself under control, and returned to her place on the couch. She removed the rest of the bandaging. She had to know.
“What the hell?” Josh said.
Claire silently echoed that sentiment as she reached out to touch a spot on Ryu’s bicep that she clearly remembered had been marked by a long, red welt the night before. Now there was only the faintest of bruises. Ryu flinched slightly at the touch. The bruise at least was real. Claire pushed him, gently, so that she could see his back.
An intricate tattoo of black ink in intersecting lines covered the whole of his back, interspersed with faint, pale lines of scar tissue. Claire reached out to trace one line, trying to see “wings” in the abstract design.
Ryu twisted out of her reach.
“Please,” he said. “I would prefer you not.”
“Did I hurt you?” she asked, jerking her hand away.
“No. It is only,” he paused, settling against the couch so that his back was protected by horrible plaid, “that is very personal.”
That was kind of weird, but Claire nodded that she understood. He had a right not to want to be touched. Besides, she had more important questions.
“How,” Claire asked, “did this happen?”
For a moment it looked as if Ryu wasn’t going to answer. He glanced from Claire, to Josh, to the kitchen where Jacob had apparently decided to make breakfast. Finally he looked back at Claire and studied her for a while. Just when she was becoming uncomfortable enough with his staring to consider leaving the room, he spoke.
“Would you believe magic?” Ryu asked.
“No,” Josh said.
“Then I see no point in answering, as you will not believe me.”
Jacob leaned out of the kitchen, coffee mug in hand.
“Hey kid, do you drink coffee? How do you take it?”
Ryu looked up. “Yes, I like coffee, thank you.” He held out his left hand. The coffee mug slipped out of Jacob’s hand. It didn’t hit the floor, though. It floated across the room. It moved steadily, as if carried on an invisible tray, to Ryu’s outstretched hand.
“I take it black,” Ryu added, taking a sip.
“Claire,” Josh said, “Please tell me you three are pulling a very elaborate prank on me.”
Jacob and Claire shook their heads. Ryu sipped calmly at the coffee, then glanced up at Claire.
“Who are you?” she asked. She wanted to ask WHAT are you? But that didn’t seem very polite.
“I am your Familiar, called Ryu,” he said, twisting in place and bowing at the waist, “unless there is another name you prefer I use.”
Claire decided that she was sitting a little to close to the crazy person. She stood up, trying and likely failing to look casual, and moved to sit on the other couch between the twins. Jacob put a mug of coffee, also black, into her hand.
“Is there any chance something extra got added to this?” Josh asked, adding enough sugar to his coffee that it should have stayed in the mug while it was upside down.
“No,” Jacob said, “Maybe it was a loose gas line? We could all be hallucinating.”
“We don’t have natural gas, though,” Josh said, “and none of that accounts for how he’s not still a bleeding mess.”
“Maybe he died, and we’re hallucinating this to deal with the shock,” Jacob said.
“All three of us?” Claire asked, “That doesn’t sound very rational.”
“It’s more rational than believing that this is real.”
Ryu put the coffee mug down on the nearest flat surface. “You should not doubt your own senses,” he said.
Claire decided being polite wasn’t really all that important. “What are you?”
“I have told you, Lady, I am a Familiar.”
“And what, exactly, is a Familiar?” Claire asked. She was pleased that her voice sounded calm and reasonable, not the talking-to-a-crazy-person tone she really wanted to use.
“What exactly is a human?” Ryu asked.
Claire blinked. She looked at the twins, who shrugged. What did he mean, what is a human?
“I’m sorry, I don’t follow,” Claire said.
Ryu sighed. “Never mind. A Familiar is, in essence, a magical servant.”
“Okay. So you’re magic.” Claire was proud of herself for keeping her voice neutral. She didn’t think Ryu would take to well to the talking-to-a-crazy-person tone she wanted to use.
“I am.”
“What does that mean, in a practical sense?” Josh asked.
Ryu settled back against the couch and ran his hands through his hair, obviously thinking seriously about the question. Finally, he spoke. He answered Josh’s question, but he only looked at Claire as he did so.
“It means many things. Most importantly, at this moment, it means I am yours to command,” Ryu said. His tone was matter-of-fact, but his hands were tightly clenched in his lap.
“What? Why?”
“A Familiar must obey any direct command he is given.”
“Cluck like a chicken,” Josh said.
Claire and Jacob, annoyed with the facetious interruption to the story, swung throw pillows at Josh’s head.
Ryu glared at Josh. “Any direct command given to them by their master.”
“You mean me,” Claire said, letting her pillow rest in her lap.
“Yes. Please do not test it, at least just now. I am tired.”
“Okay. So what happens if you disobey?” Josh asked.
Ryu stared very hard into his now empty and dry mug. “It hurts.”
Claire felt the chill of those words. Even if he was making all of this up, he believed that. He’d suffered from that.
“How did this happen?” Claire asked. “Why me, not Josh or Jacob?”
“May I see your hand?” Ryu asked, adding, “The one that was cut last night.”
Puzzled, Claire held out her right hand. Ryu leaned over and pulled the bandage off. It stung, and Claire hissed to herself, but didn’t complain. He obviously had a point to make.
“This is how. When you were cut, some of my blood touched yours, and so we became blood bound. You became my master.”
“Is there any way to undo it?”
Ryu shrugged. “You can repudiate me. It would be very painful for us both, though, and in my current condition it would likely be fatal for me.”
Claire considered and discarded several responses to that statement. She then decided that there was no way the conversation could go anywhere within her reality. She also noticed the veins on the twins’ temples beginning to pulse. In order to prevent them from having twin aneurisms, she changed the subject.
“Okay. On that note,” Claire said, “I promised to meet Dare and Natalie for lunch.” Maybe if she talked about something normal, like lunch, they could ignore the weird stuff and it might go away.
“May I accompany you?” Ryu asked. “If it is not inconvenient, I prefer not to be separated from you for too long.”
Claire considered for a moment. What could it hurt? “Sure. Might as well share the insanity with the whole group.”
“Whole group?” Ryu tilted his head. “What kind of group?” He looked worried, almost afraid.
“It’s not like we’re an official group or organization or whatever. I just mean my friends.” Claire said.
Was this guy going to take everything she said literally? Probably.
“Want to come, guys?” Claire asked.
“No, we’ve got homework,” Josh said.
”There’s a big lab Monday,” Jacob added.
“Okay. Come on then,” Claire said to Ryu.
“Lady,” Ryu said, “I hate to be an inconvenience but,” he motioned down his front, “I am hardly presentable.”
Claire winced. Yeah, she should’ve thought of that. “Guys, got anything he can borrow?”
“Sure. I think I’ve got some jeans that are too small, and I’ll dig up a shirt,” Josh said.
“You can use our shower, too,” Jacob added. “All that blood must be uncomfortable and sticky.”
Ryu, who’d been picking at a bit of blood on his left forearm, nodded absently. “I thank you for your courtesy. I will only be a few minutes, lady.”
“You don’t have to call me that. It’s kind of weird.”
Ryu shrugged. “As you wish.”
He accepted a bundle of cloth from Jacob and vanished into the shower. Claire and the twins shared another pot of coffee while they waited.
In less time than she’d expected, Ryu reappeared. Now dressed in blue jeans and a dark blue flannel shirt, he looked all of fifteen. Claire wondered what she was going to do with him. Maybe Dare or Natalie would have an idea. Besides, Natalie was into a lot of weird things, and always talking about the supernatural. Maybe she’d be able to understand what he was talking about when he called himself a ‘magical servant’.
“Ready to go?” she asked.
“Yes, lady.”
“I said not to call me that,” Claire said as they went out the door, calling back an absentminded thanks to the twins. “I thought you had to do what I told you to?”
Ryu smiled openly this time. “No. You said I did not have to call you lady. You did not make it a direct order. Suggestions I am free to follow or ignore as I please.”
“Huh.”
Claire opened the car door and let him in. “You still have to buckle up, you know.”
“I remember.”
Ryu remained silent for most of the ride. He glanced at Claire occasionally, but never said any of the things on his mind. She decided to just wait. He’d say whatever he wanted to say eventually.
“Lady?”
“My name’s Claire, you know.”
“I know. Claire. There is more you should know.”
“What?”
“About the bond.”
“Yeah?”
Ryu looked out the window. “It is difficult.”
“If it makes you that uncomfortable, I can wait.”
“It is not that, exactly. I am just not sure how to begin.”
“Hey look, we’re there. I’ll show you around. Maybe if you get your bearings you’ll feel better.”
“Perhaps.”
Claire parked. Because it was a weekend, it only took her ten minutes to find an open parking space. Ryu looked around with mild curiosity. He didn’t look like a magical creature. He looked like a confused kid. Everything she knew about reality told her he had to be that. So why did she find herself more than halfway believing him?
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nicyd reviewed Version 1 -
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a good story really interesting work on word chioce though some of the words are kinda dull and over used
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jagofire reviewed Version 1 -
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The story was written well, the grammar was decent, and the storyline was interesting. So far, so good. Your conversations between the characters are done rather well and your punctuation is perfect. I hope to read more from you.
Betty13 reviewed Version 1 -
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There are only one slight error that I noticed such as the following line was repeated within close proximity of the first:
Claire was proud of herself for keeping her voice neutral. She didn’t think Ryu would take to well to the talking-to-a-crazy-person tone she wanted to use.
Love it. Love the dialogs. I like the characters and I’d very much like to read more. This the first submission of your work that I have been privy.
It is an interesting subject. Good work.
AstridM reviewed Version 1 -
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So far, I don’t think there’s too much dialogue. It all seems reasonable and relevant. Until you get to this point: “Oh. Sorry, guys. I was so tired I don’t even remember going to sleep.” I don’t think you need this line.
...trying to see “wings” in the abstract design. - A couple of questions about this line. 1) Was she trying to see wings for a reason, or is that what the design looked like to her? It’s unclear. 2) Why is wings in quotes? I don’t think you need them.
“I take it black,” Ryu added…then glanced up at Claire.” I think you can cut out the middle of this section. A more believable reaction from all of them, I would think, is stunned silence. So it could possibly read: “I take it black,” Ryu added. He sipped his coffee calmly, then glanced at Claire.
“Who are you?” she asked. She wanted to ask WHAT are you? But that didn’t seem very polite. – Another rewording suggestion just to clean it up. “Who are you?” she asked, being careful not to ask what he was instead. It didn’t seem polite.
You make the crazy-talk reference twice; one of them should be eliminated.
As far as the story goes, it seems to be progressing nicely from the last chapter, and you’ve set the stage for some difficulty for these characters on the road ahead. Like I said, as a whole I don’t think you’ve got too much dialogue, although you probably could take another critical read of it and cut a few lines here and there. I look forward to seeing where this story goes.
Tivarah reviewed Version 1 -
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I have not read your previous work so bear with me. A few obsevations and comments…
Nice chapter. Asks alot of questions, only answers a few. Good blurring of lines between reality and faith or fantasy.
Ryu’s character is very mysterious and this leaves me wanting to know more.I am unsure at this point about much of Claire’s character, what sort of a person she is. Do not apologize for the amount of dialogue. Dialogue reveals the story and character and is exactly what is meant by show don’t tell.
I like the sense of confusion at the beginning. We feel as your character.
Ryu seems harmless yet a little creepy. If I’m supposed to feel that as a reader the job is well done.
“adding enough sugar to his coffee that it should have stayed in the mug while it was upside down.” nice touch of humour.
“at least just now” needs a not between least and just.
Well done. I would like to know a bit more about Claire though. Perhaps that is because I have not read the rest.
DeadEdward reviewed Version 1 -
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It is a great story for fantasy, i really like it. In the beginning it started a little rough with that mage businessman and his lustious woman…
Probably he will try to get his familiar back from Claire…
Actually there is not much to say about, it is good. Except the part where Claire takes Ryu along to her friends… If he is a mental crackhead would she just take them to her friends, she is really easytrusting ey?
Bargo reviewed Version 1 -
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Yes the dialogue does seem to drag a bit. It maybe possible to confine the repetitous references by Rye about “Lady” into one location in which all could be explained. Even the part where he does not have to obey if it is not an order.
When Ryu first performs magic I don’t feel the amazement, the astonishment in the charters that should be felt when such an extraordinary event occurs. Only my thoughts.
hellbunny reviewed Version 1 -
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“at the twins’ then”- it would sound smoother if you wrote, “at the twins’ house”
When you mentioned the veins on the twins’ temple, then followed it with twin aneurisms, that sounded too redundant. Replace the first ‘twin’ with ‘guys’, ‘brothers’, or some other pronoun.
I think the dialogue works. It’s normal for freaked out people to talk alot because they don’t want to be left in their own heads for too long.
Alright, enough about the critique. OMG! This is good. This is realy good. I have read published fantasy books that have bored me the further into the book I read, but each one of your chapters keeps getting better. You’re now at a difficult part of keeping up the pacing and intrigue from this point forward, but I believe you are up to the challenge.
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