Sci Fi & Fantasy / Death is it real? "Capter 2:The Deaths Death"
Death is it Real?: CHAPTER 2
“The Deaths Death”
The Demon came closer,It look like it wasn’t even getting shot at.”I’m out” A solider yelled,”OK,Men get in the van” Corey yelled with a deep voice.All of the soldiers jumped in the van expect for Corey,He got in the drivers seat.There is a turret on the back of the van,A solider was already on it.
The big dark object came out of the ground.”Fire at will!” Corey yelled out while he was shooting.His squad started firing at the object.The giant object came into the light.It was a “Demon”. A demon is a giant “Death” alien,It looked like a tiger.”Demons” are the biggest,Fastest and strongest “Deaths”.
Corey started the van and started to drive off,But the Demon shot a gooey thing from his back and it hit the van’s back tire.The van hit a Oak tree,”Men, get out,we have to walk” Corey said.”Sir, the Demon” a solider whisper,”I will take care of it!” Corey reply with a little anger in his tone.Corey took a Home.D.A aka Home.Demon.attack.It was a rocket with a stand that hooks into a tree.Corey climb on top of the van,While he was doing that the soldiers started to run off and the Demon was following them.Corey planted the home.D.A ,Then set it on heat seek mode and set it to blow in 2 seconds.Corey quicky jumped off the van’s roof and ran!”1..2” he thought in his head,Then the rocket shoots off in the air,It hit’s the demon in the back.The Demon fell like a tree,”Sir, you got it!” A solider said over the radio.”Lets go home boys” Corey reply as they walked off towards home.
Now,Coming back to the present,It was year 2030.Corey was still in the squad,He is living alone in a house that cost a lot of money!Corey walk in his study room.He started to feel the ground shaking and then he heard a “BOOM!” from outside.Corey ran outside and looks all around him,Then he hears his cell phone going off “RING..NEW CALL..RING”.Corey picks it up,”Hello” He says “Hello,Corey I am..” The caller reply but before he got done Corey yelled “JOHN!”.”Yes,Its me but we just got hit with a ship from space,We think its the “Deaths”” The caller reply,”OK,I’m coming!” Corey told him as he was jumped in his car.Corey drives off to the HQ.
-—---—---—--
COMING SOON
CHAPTER 3
“THE NEW START OF A FLAME”
-—---—---—--
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
It looks like you have a solid idea of where you are going and a good storyline – but you really need to work on punctuation and grammar in general! There are quite a few issues that make it difficult to read. . . things like no spaces after periods or commas, the dialog not being properly separated from paragraphs (in certain parts), and general sentence structure. But keep it up, it really looks like you have a good idea of where your story is going and it seems exciting thus far!
- add/view comments (0)
Okay, POV (point of view) issues in this. First off: A demon is a giant “Death” alien,It looked like a tiger.”Demons” are the biggest,Fastest and strongest “Deaths”.
Who’s point of view is that? Who is talking? Which character’s mind am I in?
Most of this piece is you stepping onstage and saying “okay, here’s what’s happening.” Because it’s not the characters talking, I don’t care what happens. One espcially obvious place is: “Now,Coming back to the present”.
Please don’t be discouraged and keep writing!
Showing 1 - 2 of 2
Review item
Add to faves
GENERAL
REVIEW QUEUE
Ratings & Rankings
