Poetry / After Love (Analysis)

Greetings

Hate the ratings . I just fill them out because I have to. Very nice work. You need a transition for him to leave unless you mean for this to be magic. Suggestion – instead of – As he faces the water’s needling,- try – a bit of soap gets in her eye. Word finally in second line is not needed.

This is very short and impersonal.  It needs more of “You” in it.  However I do feel that you have tallent so keep it up.  Add more you and make it a little longer.

Its an interesting premise, but it could be better executed.
You rhyme a little, but not completely, making it difficult to read. Rhyming not at all or constantly is fine, but just sometimes is hard. Also, all but the last stanza are five lines, and I would like this a lot better if it was. Other than that, I really like the phrasing in the fifth stanza.

This poem has very good imagery and a good sense of emotion. I think this is a good piece of poetry, however you may want to change the subject matter.That is at least if your looking to get it published in just any book of poetry. I would suggest that you at least, be a little less graphic and possibly a little more metaphoric.

Alisa

I really liked this.  It captures that moment so very well.
I loved the line ‘Tangled in the smell of him.’ it’s such a great olfactory sensation and something most people shy away from revealing in their writing.
The last stanza is so telling!  Overall I very much enjoyed the pace of this piece.

You chose a controversial topic and did a great job with it. This poem paints a perfect picture, you can just see all of this happening as you write it. I would add another line to the final stanza to make it even with all the others. Great use of commas to create a natural pause.
I would work more with the flow of this. When you have no rhyming, flow is essential to have good flow and in this there is only enough flow to keep you interested. If you were to improve that, this poem would be perfect.

Good use imagery. Very sensual. The Walter Mitty theme is a familiar one,
but it’s well done. The frosted glass image is very effective in revealing the lonely fantasy of the lady. The tight five stanza structure is not just broken prose, but rather gives the poem a definitive structure.
However, I think the first line of the last stanza
should be less explicit. “But he isn’t there” explains too much.

My version is:

but touches only the water spray
as she washes her hair
while  through the frosted glass
the steamy shower mist dissolves
along with her bathroom daydream.  

I’m sorry I can’t be more positive about this, but there is nothing here that brings a freshness to an ages old scenario. There is no elevated language, which is required to separate poetry from prose. There should be a comma after the clause “she steps in”. The images created all rely on cliched phrases – we’ve read about hands being pushed away, water tracing shoulders, etc. – so inject new life into this if you plan for it to stand out in a publication. Your rhythm is capable, so I’m sure you can do better if you dig deeper.

I have a good feeling about this piece. It is quite emotional and the comes across well and resonates with the reader. There are some things that I think might be crafted a bit more to make this a really great poem. One thing that I noticed is that in line 1 “laying” should, I believe, be “lying.” The other thing that I would like you to consider is possibly reworking line 2 just a bit because I feel like finally doesn’t flow well with the rest of the words in the line. I would suggest something like, “Two chests rising evenly” or something of that nature. Otherwise, this is a good piece. Even though I’m a guy, I realize the truth of how this work portrays the actions of the man. I try not to act this way personally, but then I can’t answer for the other members of my sex! lol Thank you for sharing this piece!

I could feel my eyes tearing as I neared the end. As a poet and a lover of love and one who knows what the absence of it can ultimately do to a person. I wouldn’t change this piece at all. I really enjoyed it though, I nearly felt my heart breaking all over again. Isn’t that our job as a writer, though? Good job and keep writing!