Poetry / So This is Love, Laughter and Lonliness

I really really liked this, especially the first few stanzas. I think that it would almost be stronger without he last one, if you just left it at “Cause it’s spring” and left some of it unspoken. You paint a beautiful picture and capture emotions really well.

I really enjoyed reading this. It was so innocent and caught the essence of puppy love. There’s a couple things about how you wrote it I didn’t care for. I felt like it took away from the poem more than add to it. The repeating didn’t really emphasize anything that wasn’t already being emphasized, it just felt a little superfluous. At parts it seemed to work and then at other parts it didn’t. Just some constructive criticism. Thank you for the great read.

young. silly. foolish. lol. it’s supercool. considering your age at that time, you’re agenius by now. great work all in all. keep it up. good energy. great spirit

I feel a cold and empty heart on the other end of this pen.  The love he searches for is not in another, but within himself.  

• add/view comments (2)

January 16, 2008

by duddbudda

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
102	89.1% (46 votes)	32.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
20	M	United Kingdom	December 02

isn’t that what all teens are though?

January 16, 2008

by duddbudda

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
102	89.1% (46 votes)	32.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
20	M	United Kingdom	December 02

to an extent

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

I love it! I really do.

—I think your alliteration is great, it made me want to read it aloud.. but I noticed it right away so I don’t know if that means that maybe it’s a little forced/obvious at times? But overall I think it really strengthens the piece.

—“Lye” = “lie” and I’m pretty sure that’s what you meant, as in “go lie down” though I guess you might be making some odd clever reference to the substance lye and it’s just going over my head.

—I’m not a fan of the cupid stanza because it starts off pretty great and it got my hopes up but then toward the end of the stanza you go “Gathering young mouths for to feed” and “for to feed” I found confusing. As well, you say “gatherin’” in the last line as opposed to “gatherinG” in the previous one, and that’s a small thing, I know, but it mattered to me as I was reading it.

—I think that the last stanza is great and an awesome way to end it, but I don’t get what is in parentheses…

But right now I’m totally in love with this poem.

• add/view comments (1)

January 16, 2008

by duddbudda

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
102	89.1% (46 votes)	32.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
20	M	United Kingdom	December 02

generally when i was writing poetry back then i never deliberately forced a rhyme or forced any alliteration, its just that that was what i could make flow, so did. I’m not proud of it, but it seemed to work.
didn’t even know there was any thing called lye, i did mean lie lololol
The gatherin’ not gathering thing is simply that “ahm reet yourkshah” (ie: I have an accent specifically and unmistakeably from the area of northern England called Yorkshire) and this causes me to not say my gees, making ing into in. U’d have to hear me say it to get how good this small change is. pmsl that is the biggest load of shiite i’ve ever said, but hey

(Intimate Leisure Or Verdant Eneavour)
(Hoping Endings Recover)
(I           L          O   V         E          )
(H        E          R        )

I thought the above was super clever when i was 14/15, but maybe not. Now i just like the sound of the first phrase.
Really glad u liked this, my younger self is very, very touched. ;-)

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.