Haiku/Senryu / Titleless

You have a good start here – good ideas. However, to be haiku, the format is 575 and 3 lines. I agree that types of related poetry can have different structures, but they also have set patterns. I would rework this to conform to an agreed format. You have good images, just needs a little work.

its good but its not haiku, not even loosely

wise truths

I am not sure what nontraditional haiku format you are following, so it is hard for me to rate this as an effective “haiku”. I like most of what you are doing though with the words that you have chosen. I think it’s a fun read. I think you should use the word “your” instead of “yr.” though.

1 I get sucked in.
2 salt—can you imagine life without that? “fruitless branch” is thought provoking.
“All of yr. faults” Now we are talking, psychology.
3 1st line—This is so black, beyond cloudless.
  2nd l—this connects to flesh and blood.
  3rd l—sounds like negative self talk

This gives a very broad perspective of the words you use.  I like how it can go any way the reader might want it to.  Just one question; is there a significance for using yr. instead of your?  Nice job.

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October 21, 2007

by Aachen

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26	M	Frederick, SD	September 16

Regarding yr.: If any, it would be that it pulls it closer to “yer” than “your” (very minor dialect/sound-unit shift).

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There is no such thing as ” loosely in the haiku format”. This is simply not a haiku; period. As for a poem it is nice. But in no way does it belong among haiku.

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October 17, 2006

by Aachen

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26	M	Frederick, SD	September 16

Oh, right…and what makes you qualified to be the issuer of the final answer on the haiku form?

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I do not even see a semblence of Haiku except for the nature aspect. Each verse should at least remain the 5 7 5 line or close thereof.

Subjective idea of mountain being is something to aspire toward. Get to the foot of the hill and all you see are rocks and turbulent atmospheres. Where’s the attainment you wanted?

Beggars can’t be choosers and so when out on the bum, get what’s to spare, eat whatever, who cares? Who put you in chains?

Nothing to have and reduced to begging; is this the encoded enlightenment passed through time? I’m getting off this mountain first thing the morning.

So what I have delivered above are revamps of your loose haiku. The detail and the relationship between all three came as interpretation was aroused.

I love “mountains as attainments”, very musical beginning to an otherwise bland work.