Thank you. Yah, a lot of people have told me that I need to extend this piece. Thanx again for your kind words.
Flash Fiction / The Picture
My head was bent over, drops of sweat beading on my forhead, my pen held steady over the innocent white paper. I looked up and admired my artwork. Marvelling at how much was portrayed in one picture. My old deskchair squeaked as I leaned back and popped my knuckles contentedly.
My fingers traced instinctively along the lines of a mother’s ear, a friend’s eyebrows, a girlfriend’s nose, a sister’s chin, and my hair. It was a self portrait, but not in the normal sense. It manifested everything that was me.
I perused the pages of my journal and found old stories, faded pictures, and vivid quotes. I was all the way back at the beggining, staring at the number imprinted in black sharpie on my yellow cover, a five. I smiled and remembered when my father bought it for me. I popped open my desk drawer, and let memories number five slide from my fingers onto the green number four.
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LadyMactans reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not quite sure I understand the significance of certain things, especially the paper and the numbers on the desk and journal. Is there something hidden here or is it simply a scene depicting someone looking through an old journal/photobook. It’s well-written, though there are a few typos and misspellings (i.e. begginings should be beginnings). It’s just a bit vague and, as it is, is more of a short scene than an actual story. I think it would work well to expand on this a bit.
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PoeticallyFresh reviewed Version 1 -
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pretty good. keep it up!
BeccathePromoMami reviewed Version 1 -
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wow :: are you really 13? this was a really good read.
the ending made it the ideal piece of flash fiction – there’s a little twist that the reader wasn’t anticipating. It made me smile.
your vocab is superb for a person your age and you have a command for words that’s good for a person of any age.
I had a LOT more criticism before I looked at your age (lol), but I figure I’d commend you first, because you should honestly be proud of your talent.
ANYWHO :: because you write so well, I figure you’d want an honest critique of how to improve. This piece has great potential :: on to the review.
I loved the description of the empty paper as “innocent” – Many writers/artists probably feel that way and wish they could describe it as such. It really captures the void before you imbue it with your creativity.
I think that you could have painted the description of what was on the paper with description and imagery rather than telling the reader that there was “so much” on the page.
I don’t think that you need to add “but not in the normal sense” – that is also something that can either be revealed through a more thorough description – or you can omit that completely until the end. That way the ending would have THAT MUCH MORE of a punch. I do like that your family and friends are described as being parts of you.
I think the part where you are going back through your old journal stories could have been more specific as well. Briefly add a description of some of the memories – add a small anecdote about the moment when you got the journal instead of just mentioning that you remember receiving it.
I think that a few changes can make this a SUPERB piece that you can not only be proud of, but that will be publishable. You’ve created a character that readers are invested in, with only a limited amount of words. You’ve got a great talent.
denbatch reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a cute treatment of somebody looking through their memories. Though I’m not sure it’s flash fiction: there’s really no conflict/resolution in here – just a quick scene.
I like the thought of a self-portrait made up of the parts of many others. That’s very clever, and it made me think about how we define ourselves. Nicely done.
Tragicangel003 reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t see the flash to this… it didn’t appear to really have an ending. It’s written beautifully but lacks a story line or purpose. Maybe extend it a little and work on the ending and you’ll have 10’s across the board.
igivejustshoot reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece is good so far. It’s hard to tell yet how “publishable” this piece is due to length, but your writing in it so far is very well done. There was a spelling error I noticed, (forhead=forehead) but I like your use of imagery and the timing of the piece. It reminds me of someone going through old things slowly.
ilothamer reviewed Version 1 -
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Not sure if this is the goal, but this is very telling. It disconnects me from the piece personally. You tell me a lot of things you are doing, but it feels like you are JUST telling me if that makes sense. Your emotional connection is not made to me as a reader, which makes me not invest in it. I would suggest trying to draw the reader in more by using descriptive language that connects the reader to how the narrator feels.
The_August_Kid reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a pretty interesting little piece. I like how the main character is creating a self portrait in the fashion of displaying his whole life, not just his face. That, in a sense, is a true self portrait and I have never seen anyone talk about one in such a way. Very original work. I would definitely love to see this expanded on because for what it is right now, I can’t get very much from it. Kudos.
jhmckeogh reviewed Version 1 -
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What about the paper is innocent. Haven’t you already put your art to it. Does that make it more or less innocent now? I like the idea of the self portrait as collage, but i think you need to reword the section where you describe the different aspects of it. It read a little clunky. Good prose.
Also, consider replacing some of your quarter words for nickle ones.
James
CourtshipLives reviewed Version 1 -
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this is phenomenal. doesnt exactly fall under flash fiction but it is a great piece. great language. great imagery. i see the desk with all the old volumes of journals perfectly. i dont know why he/she was sweating though. otherwise good work. i look forward to reading more from you
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