Poetry / Not Quite Asleep

Hi;

This is nice: clean and simple. A soft moment, captured.I’ve no suggestions for a title, but for some reason the song “Wednesday Morning, 3 A.M.” pops into my head.

You might have better luck with a title if the were more to the moment—a sense of context other than simply the itchy red beard….

- Michael

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January 22, 2008

by EES

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I don’t understand your second comment? The itchy, red beard? hmmmm

Thanks! I don’t know that song. Who does it?

January 22, 2008

by michaelolsen

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Simon & Garfunkel sings it.  As for the 2nd comment, I was referring to the fact that al l we know about the other person is they have an itchy red beard.  Knowing a bit more about this other person might provide a sense of action to the piece…

Hope that clears things up.  You should really listen to that song, though…  It’s quite beautiful.

January 27, 2008

by EES

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Oh, okay, thanks.
I don’t even know what I could say about the other person though, as it was just suppose to be a moment in time and I only have my own brain to work off of.

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Hello! I haven’t been in this situation for a while, alas, so I find your piece quite poignant, as would the majority of people who would find falling asleep with someone in close proximity, one of life’s best pleasures. Beards are always an issue in bed!. Although you have done an evocative job of presenting this situation, you could have gone to greater lengths to detail it. As bed is a popular subject, many readers would be wanting more description. The feeling of being wrapped in someone’s arms could be explored as could many purely physical sensations. “Dont forget to breathe deep” suggests the butterflies dancing in the pit of the stomach feeling that comes with the freshness of a relationship. Not necessarily newness, but freshness. I can suggest “Drifting off with the tide” as a possible title, but “Not quite asleep” does it for me. You have written an evocative, simple, and joyful poem.

Ian Crocker

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January 22, 2008

by EES

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Thank you very much

It wasn’t bed, it was couch. haha

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I find this kind of choppy and it’s hard to understand what is going on. Maybe you could try and make it smoother. Flow better. Good job.

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January 09, 2008

by EES

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hmmmmm, I geuss I haven’t a clue what you mean. It is just a simple poem of a simple little seem, I cannot imagine what you didn’t understand.

As for choppiness I can only assume that you are refering to the eyebrow line, but I had to write what I felt and that was a soft kiss on my eyebrow.

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sweet little mood created by this.
Sleeping, maybe next to grandpa,
his scratchy beard against eyes
lips against eyebrows.
Sweet little thing.
Thanks for sharing it.
E~

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January 09, 2008

by EES

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Glad you liked the mood that I created with this. deff not sleeping against grandpa, but that doesn’t really matter at all… it was sweet.

January 09, 2008

by evath

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only change I would recommend
is that breathe has an ‘e’ at the end.
otherwise it is breath.
didn’t catch that the first time I read it.

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I feel like there could be more to this poem.  Like it is unfinished.  It also sounds like you are restless, or uncomfortable until you receive the kiss.  Sorry i can’t help you with the title.  But sounds good so far.

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January 09, 2008

by EES

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Hmmmm I don’t know why it sounds restless or uncomfortable. Don’t you ever just pretend to be asleep just because?
I don’t know…

I also do not know what more there can be in this poem, just simply because there was no more in life.

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