Hey thanks for reviewing my story twice! I just posted part of the next chapter. :)
Young Adult / Black-Chapter One-Fourth Draft
PROLOGUE
“So who are you anyway?”
“What? You know who I am, I’m Faylin”, though she knew exactly what he meant.
“Oh, come on.”
Faylin sighed and her countenance sunk at a memory and for a moment, she was silent. Beyond the cliff they sat on, the sun set magnificently; casting a yellow-orange light over the valley below.
“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to…”, Rowan suddenly realized that he had brought up a very serious topic.
The unusually soft mountain breeze joined the tepid summer air. In the distance, Rowan’s dragon, Locktna, soared, catching the wind currents. Her form was silhouetted against the blinding light of the orange sun to their right. Faylin sighed and put her hands in her lap. They sat up against a fallen tree upon a cliff with a magnificent view of the valley.
“Rowan, promise me not to think of me any differently after this”
He saw memories in her soft green eyes, “I promise”, he replied seriously.
“Actually, I’m really surprised that you don’t know who I am already, I’m surprised that know one here has put two and two together…”
Just then, she seemed to remember where she was going with this,
“Faylin Draden... is my name.”
Draden. The name was infamous. It was a name that belonged in shady hallways, dark with deceit and debauchery. The name Draden dripped with treason was coated in danger and lies. And Faylin…this meant that she was no less than Lord Draden’s own daughter. The heir of a man who had murdered his wife, a man who rivaled the king in power, and whose only political purpose was widely thought to be to assist the neighboring King Zeminith, in undermining King Liam’s authority. The war between the two kingdoms had officially ended a year ago, but tensions still ran high.
He shuddered to imagine the life Faylin must have lead in her Father’s court, which, in itself, was famous for its wild drunken parties and horrendous crimes left unpunished.
PART ONE
Chapter One, The Figure in The Window
As a child, Faylin was known by the castle servants for her peculiar mix of personality traits. One did not know whether to love or hate her. She had a tendency to be selfish and spoiled. Yet, after her mother died when Faylin was 6 years old, she was a shy, timid, and sad little girl. She was often neglected by her governess, Pavia, who spent more time in Lord Draden’s bed than with Faylin.
Lord Draden’s court was filled with malevolent characters, most of whom were from Zemin. Though Zemin and Kimish had been united before the war, the land of Zemin was made up of a different ethnic group; they had dark skin and hair. And many powerful dragon riders were born there. Racism, arrogance, and a lust for power ultimately split the country in two, killing the king of Kimish in the process and leaving the throne to Liam who was only 17 at the time. Faylin didn’t know much about the war, though she was 13 when it finally ended. She spent her childhood in Merkantan, and was never father than a few miles from the castle.
She was a deviant child; she often simply sat and stared off into space. She was extremely perceptive, which was often unsettling. She was very smart, and quiet, and though her green eyes always examined the floor, she saw and heard everything that went on.
The castle inhabitants rarely saw her; she learned early on that it was better not to be seen by her father and his guests ,and sometimes, even the servants. Faylin was very petite. She had thin blond hair that was nearly white and deep green eyes that contrasted strangely with her pale complexion. She looked nothing like either of her parents who both had varying forms of brown hair and eyes.
When she walked, it was as if she was floating, she barely made a sound. Overall, her appearance looked fragile, as if one could easily snap her in half. But when she wasn’t being timid, she had a lot of energy and a lot of nerve.
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Sir Conan Draden was seated near the head of the table; one seat between King Liam and himself. They were in a private dining room on the west side S’dar castle. It was sunset and the bright light was shining in through the window, nearly blinding every one except Liam, who had his back to it. The table seated ten people who were joking and laughing through dinner after a hard day’s work. To Conan’s left was Sir Clement, a highly regarded scholar, and one of the nicest people he had ever met; to his left was Reyna. He glanced at her, and smiled. Her long chocolate brown hair was pulled up into an intricate bun that was nearly falling out; wisps of hair lay on her neck, nearly touching the hem of her deep purple gown and framed her lovely face. She was talking animatedly to the lady across the table from her. Everyone had been working hard all day, helping Liam with the records. They hadn’t been sorted in years, and had been completely mixed up during the war. The room that held them had previously been in complete disarray.
Those who were older than the rest- in their late thirties- were Liam’s advisors. They were best known for being bookish scholars. After the war, those five men helped the new, seventeen year old king pull his kingdome back together. Two of them, Sir Creetus and Sir Havo had just arrived a few minutes earlier from their troublesome journey to Merkantan Castle. And that was all Conan could think about. He was trying to be polite and let them catch their breath before he bombarded them with worrisome questions about his childhood home. He’d lost interest in his food as soon as they walked into the room.
He looked at the two men, sitting across and to the left of him on the other side of Liam, talking politely to him. Conan tried to hide the wistful look on his usually serious and composed face. He was good at hiding his emotions, but Lady Reyna pried right through his façade, as she usually did. She knew him well enough. His left hand was resting on the table clenching the fork he was no longer using. She gently placed her hand on his, he looked at her beautiful face and she smiled at him that knowing look that she often had. His forehead relaxed a little from the slightly scrunched position it had. Liam looked thoughtfully at their hands, and Reyna’s ever-observant eyes noticed this.
Abruptly Reyna turned her head toward Sir Creetus and Sir Havo, “We are all interested in hearing about your trip”, she said very politely.
The two were ready to answer her from the moment she turned her eyes to them, she had a certain effect on men. The whole table silenced. They wanted to hear about Merkantan, the centuries old castle. Scholars often traveled, at their own risk, to seek out the rare volumes contained the library there.
Reyna tangled her soft fingers in his and gently removed the fork from Conan’s clenched fist.
“We didn’t find what we were looking for. That library is dark, dusty and completely unorganized!”
“I told you so”, said Sir Clement, another luminary seated at the table, who traveled to Merkantan often. They were all currently researching the science of dragons and their riders, as this information was becoming quite valuable, in terms of defense, due to the shift of politics in the country.
The kingdom was still in a mild state of crisis. The Zeminiths had succeeded in taking half the kingdom, but Liam suspected their recent contentment wouldn’t last for long. They were alarmingly greedy for power, before long they would want control of the whole country. Spies had reported that Zemin was already occupying its other neighboring country.
Legends surrounding dragons and their riders had long ago been dispelled and the kingdom had been relatively peaceful for centuries. So the shock of violence during the war had brought every one into a panic and maybe if they had been prepared, Kimish wouldn’t have failed so miserably at protecting itself. Previous research had shown that when more dragon-rider teams popped up, the kingdom was safer because, obviously, the army was larger. But also, the more riders there were, the more likely it was that the kingdom would experience violence. Were they really safe at all?
“And what of the court? How fairs Lord Draden?”
Sir Creetus began to smoothly answer the question until the thought crossed his face: why does she want to know about Lord Draden?
“He is…”, Creetus had had only one glimpse of Lord Draden as he walked past the entrance of the dining hall one night on his way back from the library to his quarters. Lord Draden was sitting at the main table with his buddies, completely drunk and raucously laughing.”…well he hasn’t changed.”
Reyna, who realized the oddness of her question, wasn’t sure how to reply to his answer. “Oh”, she said, feeling completely awkward, and managing a polite (but still awkward) smile. The table was silent, and she noticed Liam was looking at her again. She inwardly pleaded with Conan to take the hint that this was his cue to ask what was on his mind. All this happened within a matter of seconds and immediately after that, the natural conversation resumed itself.
Conan was afraid to ask, afraid to get the same worrisome answer that he always got every time someone came back from Merkantan. He’d tried to ignore his worry, tried to tell himself that everything was going to be ok, that Faylin was safe and sound. But the more he heard of the uncivilized activities of the court there and the less he heard of his niece, his worries worsened. He then resolved the ask Sir Creetus privately. If only he and his brother had had a better relationship years ago, he wouldn’t have been ordered to leave his former home.
S’dar Castle was his home now, and even though he had often times felt like a refugee here, he was very content. He was an important member of The Council now and a close advisor and friend to the King. And he loved Reyna. To him, home was where she was. If it weren’t for the stress of the late war, they would be married already.
Though he had lots of duties and was often busy from dawn until dusk, he could not shake the feeling that his niece was not safe. Even the day she was born he wondered what kind of hardships she would endure as the daughter of his brother, but it was different then, Lady Elska was still alive, though six years later, she died.
Elska past away of a “fever”, but he did not believe it. That was when he and his brother had been on mildly good terms, and he still lived at Merkantan. There had been a banquet that night, to welcome a group of Riders from Zemin. Elska wanted to leave early, Lord Draden and his men had all become completely drunk and all the ladies in the dining hall had previously left to avoid this(this was back when there were respectable ladies at Merkantan, like Reyna and her family). However, Lord Draden would not let Elska leave, and when she boldly insisted he became violent. That was when she got up and began walking out on her own, he went after her and the rest was nightmare. People knew what he did to her, but no one said a word. He had beat her often (this was why Conan and his brother didn’t get along well), but it had never come to this. The next morning, her body was put into a coffin and buried before physicians arrived. And that was the end of it. Conan had grown up with the horrors of his powerful family, but it had never come to this.
He had gone to his brother to confront him, but it was useless, he threatened Conan and ordered him to leave immediately; his reaction had said all Conan needed to know, besides, people don’t die of a fever overnight. The horror the that time still made him shudder.
Conan had never been to S’dar, the only places he had previously traveled were in Zemin. He was young then, only 15(ten years younger than his brother), their father had recently died in the war and their mother was a basket case. But Reyna’s family had taken him in, and brought him to S’dar when he had nowhere else to go, her father was on the council and he taught Conan the ways of the government and the court.
Conan had always been different, the black sheep of his family, but here in S’dar he fit in perfectly. He was only a few years older than King Liam and they became fast friends. Now Conan was the youngest members of the Council (besides Liam, who was several years younger) and also one of the most important, being so friendly with King Liam. It took him five years to work his way into the council, and his loyalty during the war had helped too.
Liam had a thoughtful look on his face and when his eyes darted to Conan, he spoke:
“Conan, do you keep correspondence with your niece at all?”, the table silence again, and it took Conan a bit longer than necessary to respond due to shock.
“I…I don’t, actually I’ve been very concerned lately”, his eyes said more than his words at that moment.
“I think you should invite her here, she can’t possibly be safe there”, then her turned to Sir Creetus and Sir Havo, “ Did you see anything of her wile you were there?”
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At fourteen years old, Faylin had shaken off most of her selfishness. One day, she was in her chambers with Pavia. Faylin sat in an uncomfortable chair leaning over a gray marble round table. She was resting her head on her hand, staring off into space with an annoyed countenance, while Pavia, standing next to the table, lectured something about propriety. It was one of those rare times when Pavia was actually taking the time to “teach” her something. The table sat a few feet behind a gray, uncomfortable couch, which was surrounded by two matching chairs on either side. All the furniture sat on a bland grey carpet in front of the dying embers of a fire. The room was freezing; Faylin could barely move the joints in her fingers and her nose was unnaturally and annoyingly colder than the rest of her body.
On the other side of the room, to Faylin’s right, a tall rectangular window was open, letting in the early spring air. Pavia liked the cold air; she missed the low-temperatures of Zemin, her home country and whenever she entered the room, she would cross it and open the window, much to Faylin’s extreme annoyance.
Faylin examined the random swirls in the stone of the table wile Pavia lectured on and on, it was more like a rant, though, spurred by something her father had done to Pavia earlier that day, Faylin didn’t care enough to know what it was. Behind her, her dull silver framed bed sat, neatly made with a blue comforter and pillows. The bed had curtains half concealing it that were hanging from the ceiling, though it was the middle of the afternoon, she wished she could crawl under the covers and stay there forever.
“Faylin,sit up straight! Are you even listening to me?!”, she nearly yelled. Pavia wasso emotional, and she often yelled to get her point across. Faylin preferred peace and quiet, so this deeply annoyed her.
Faylin turned to her with a look of disgust, “Will you just shut up!?” Pavia was so appalled that she was speechless, Faylin just rolled her eyes, she talked to Pavia like this a lot, you’d think that she would have gotten used to it by now. Abruptly Faylin stood up, turned around, and exited the room through a doorway that was to the left of her bed. It was her dressing room. She went straight to the wardrobe and pulled out a frayed riding uniform, and began undressing and putting it on. As soon as Pavia regained her voice, she followed Faylin in with a string of annoying words, which Faylin tuned out, something she had become very talented at.
“…I cannot believe you…I… I’m going to speak with your father!!” Faylin’s back was facing Pavia, bent over the buttons on her gray leather jacket. Her face blanched at what Pavia said, and suddenly her mind raced, thinking of a place to hide from him.
It was a cowardly thing to do, she thought, to run away and hide from her father, the way she always did. But the bruises on her neck were just beginning to fade from the last time she was in trouble.
“Go ahead, Pavia!”, Faylin said acidly, turning around, ”Why don’t you seduce him wile you’re at it!?” Pavia was once again shocked into silence, her jaw dropped in disbelief. Faylin rolled her eyes and walked out.
She decided to stop by the kitchens first because she hadn’t eaten lunch. Pavia had just arrived when her lunch came and deemed Faylin unworthy of the privilege of eating due to her disrespectful, sarcastic attitude. They fought a lot. On the way there, she worried endlessly, wondering of Pavia would actually go to her father or not. She strained her mind, thinking of what Pavia had been ranting about earlier which could tell Faylin weather or not Pavia and her father were on bad terms. No one wanted to be around Lord Draden if they were on bad terms with him.
She went far out of her way to get to the kitchens, walking down musty, rarely used, corridors and finally ducking behind a tapestry to use a servant’s passageway. It was the nearest passageway entrance to her quarters and yet, it wasn’t very close. She had to first turn right and walk for 30 yards or so in the gray stone hallways, then climb up some stairs to the musty, unused upper east wing. Then walk west thought the creepy, deserted corridor to find the tapestry. Though the upper east wing was often deserted because no one stayed there, there were sometimes strangers lurking up there, looking for privacy, Faylin had learned early on to shy away from strangers in the castle.
The passageway was pitch black inside, though it didn’t bother Faylin as she was accustomed to such things. She knew it went straight, and then curved slightly into a staircase at the end. She let out a contented sigh as she walked along with her hand lightly bushing the wall. Faylin was in her element: she was unbothered and in control. She loved being somewhere quiet and peaceful; here, people wouldn’t vex her.
The end of the stairs brought Faylin to another passageway, but this one was much longer, it ran both ways past the narrow staircase. There were small torches every ten feet or so, making the hallway a bit lighter. There were strangely shaped doors in random places all thoughout the length of the passageway. Some were normal height yet very thin so that one had to turn sideways and squeeze to get through. Others were a normal width but were very short, some were short and skinny and several feet off the ground, one of them even had a stool to enter. There were also cupboards where servants had access to closets to place laundry in or cupboards to hand food through.
The passageway was rather narrow and she definitely wasn’t alone there. Several servants scurried about doing their duties. They all knew Faylin and nodded politely to her wile squeezing by. After turning down several other passageways, Faylin came upon a courtyard full of dead flowers and the remains of last year’s vegatables. It was freezing cold and the ground was covered with a white layer of frost. She ran through it and ducked through a narrow gardener’s door. Eventually, Faylin ended up in the large kitchen.
The moment she had walked into the steamy kitchen, the warmth from 3 large fires warmed her.
The head cook, Maude, was the roundest woman Faylin had ever seen. She had thin, ugly, blond hair and watery grey eyes. She certainly wasn’t a looker, she wasn’t very nice either, she was one of those no-nonsense people. But Maude made amazing food, and for that, she had the respect of all.
At present, Maude was standing with her back to Faylin and speaking curtly to a kitchen boy who was particularly mischievous. But when Faylin walked in, his eyes flitted to her, an object of interest far more better to look at than Maude. A few other kitchen hands snuck quick moments to greet her with a smile. Maude noticed the aversion in the boy’s eyes and turned around. When she saw Faylin, she became completely distracted, and before she could think twice, the kitchen boy was gone in a flash, neglecting his work as usual.
“Faylin! M’lady, why is it that’cha didn’t eat yur lu-unch!?”
Faylin sighed as she took a seat at the wooden island in the middle of the kitchen and rested her elbow in it, “Pavia”, was all she said in answer. It was answer enough, Maude knew exactly what Pavia’s favorite form of punishment was, and it enraged her. Faylin was insubstantial enough with out missing her meals, and being a cook, Maude felt personally insulted when her food was left untouched.
The burly cook rolled her big round eyes and set to fixing Faylin a bit of stew that she was making for dinner that night.
The chair squeaked in resistance to Maude sitting in it several minutes later wile Faylin was scarfing down her stew. She didn’t bother to tell Faylin to sit up strait like a proper lady, although her posture was horrible at the moment, she would leave the nagging to Pavia. Maude was concerned, however, with the well being of Faylin, she was rather fond of her. Faylin was probably the only person to ever live that Maude had anycompassion on.
“Now, M’lady, would’cha like t’tell m’wha’happened?”
“Not really”, her bad mood said with a bit of sass, but immediately she regretted it.
“- I mean , well… Pavia was just… being herself again. She’s quite good at that”
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Back in the courtyard, Faylin chided herself for not wearing something warmer, now she would have to run back up to her quarters and hope Pavia wasn’t there waiting for her. It was then that when she was run-walking on the winding stone path and holding her arms for warmth that she felt something peculiar and alarming.
Some one’s sinister eyes were watching her from a window up above. Several stories up and to the left of her was a catwalk type of open hallway with large glassless windows. When she looked up at the figure leaning against one of the frames and watching her, Faylin’s heart stopped for a second. Usually there was no one around here! The man was shrouded in a dark burgundy color, his face was dark, but she could feel his piercing stare, could see herself through his penetrating eyes, and felt like he was right next to her! The strange sensation was unnerving.
Less than a second later, when her breath came back, Faylin began to run. Fear gripped inside her chest. Faylin’s ultimate goal in life was to remain unseen, past experiences had taught her, the hard way, that this was the best way to survive is the merciless castle.
Faylin had a very uneasy feeling about this man, something about him was different from other men, and something was very much the same as her, and this concept was formidable. Just before she dashed through the entrance of the courtyard, she snuck a glance behind her, and the figure in the window was gone.
She didn’t even know where to go, didn’t even know how to enter the catwalk and thus to run the opposite direction. At first, she was full of panic; she could feel his probing mind not far away.
Where would she go? Similar experiences had taught her a thing or two about hiding. However, this was different, at least it felt that way, and as she ran through the narrow stone servants hallway, she sensed him getting nearer to her. Who was this man? Was she being ridiculous to simply run away? No, Faylin thought, something was not right, she had to get away.
The castle Merkantan was an endless maze, and even though Faylin had spent her entire life there, she barely knew her way around, save for the places she spent most of her time.
As Faylin hurriedly turned a corner, she bumped into something rather large and linen feeling. “Oh, I’m so sorry!”, she said sincerely when she realized it was a chamber maid carrying clean linen. This one was rather cross.
“What are you doing here!?”
But still, as a chamber maid, the servant knew her way around pretty well and began to speak to Faylin in a very condescending way.
White light streamed in from a window to Faylin’s right. It looked out into the courtyard, and she glanced at it nervously. Now in the presence of some one else, she felt slightly safer, “I…um, I’m lost.”, she stuttered, feeling completely stupid for being lost in her own home, though anyone who lived there would sympathize were her, Merkantan was mercilessly large.
“Now you should know better than to….!”, the old woman began, Faylin looked at the ground in embarrassment. The maid began to lecture her. Faylin rolled her eyes when the lecture surpassed thirty seconds. This woman had stringy gray hair, what was left of it at least. One could clearly see the woman’s scalp, and she was ugly and very cross. At that moment, Faylin had enough going on. With what was left of her superiority complex that was natural to her due to growing up wealthy, she mustered up her anger and simply walked the other way, ducking into a narrow stone hallway to her left. It lead to a set of stairs which led to more stairs and then more stairs and before she knew it, Faylin was on the third of the six floors of the castle and she had only to walk eastward and travel up two more flights of stairs to find her quarters. This she knew because where she found herself was right outside the 4 master suits that dominated all the other suits of the castle, and in one of them, the east most one, was where her father was right now.
Faylin walked tensely, her hands to her side and fists clenched. She hadn’t been in this hallway in ages, but she remembered a time when her quarters bordered that of her parents, and Lady Elska would come in through the adjoining door to wake her up in the morning with a fresh kiss to Faylin’s forehead. The memory was so strange to her now; surreal. Every thing had been so light and happy then. But now, walking through the castle, as if on eggshells, the hallways seemed more dark, and cold. The sun seemed as if it had abandoned her along with Lady Elska and taken its comforting heat with them.
Faylin shook her head slowly and examined the ground as she crept by, pushing the thoughts away, they would do her no good by dwelling on them. Besides, she was being particularly negative today, she thought, and maybe she needed some fresh air. But fear still gripped Faylin; her shoulders began to ache from the tension, though she no longer felt as if the burgundy figure was near her.
Just then, a door slammed open as if it was kicked and light flooded into the corridor in front of her. The light from the room contrasted the dark of the corridor oddly so that Faylin realized the clouds outside were particularly dark. She stopped in her place. She was standing near the wall in the shadows, nearly behind a statue of a white marble famous person Faylin didn’t know anything about.
First Pavia came scurrying out, pushed along by Lord Draden. The tension Faylin felt a moment ago was over shadowed by the tension she felt now and she fully expected the end of the world right there. Her father was shouting about something, as usual, and Faylin stood there, as rigid as a board, waiting for her immediate demise. No doubt, Pavia had come to tell him right away about Faylin’s behavior.
But, by some kind of miracle, they began walking eastward, still in a huff, without even noticing her! Faylin’s subsequent sigh was a delayed reaction and just as they were walking out of hearing range, Faylin heard Pavia tell her father that she was wearing riding cloths when she left and therefore must be down at the stables. Where could she go now? No doubt, they were going to the stables first and would then go to her quarters.
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Reviews
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LexiLane reviewed Version 5 -
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You do not have too much background. Unless a writer goes on and on for chapters on background and loses sight of the present, there is never really too much background. But…you do much better when you are not writing the dialog. The descriptive, storytelling writing has a lot of potential, but I would focus on your dialog if I were you – it’s just a bit choppy. I have the same problem, so I stay away from dialog as much as possible. A tip – internal dialog is a great way to do this; you are still technically doing the whole dialog deal, but in a storytelling way….it works for me, I only use actual quoted dialog between two people when I absolutely have to because it’s not my strength – I’m rather choppy with it. I’d say you may have the same dilemma. But good start, good job. :)
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catherinespark reviewed Version 5 -
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This seems very familliar – if it is another version of a previously uploaded piece, then that will be why. I found the spacing of the prologue was good for getting a person started on the piece; there were plenty of spaces, encouraging the reader to take notice of what the dialogue was depicting. Refreshingly poetic style for a science fiction piece of writing; phrases such as ” The unusually soft mountain breeze” and “The sun set magnificently; casting a yellow-orange light over the valley below” show a genuine appreciation of these natural pheonmena. This is important in any piece of writing, but particularly in science fiction writing, where it is easy to enter a very bleak tone simply by getting so bogged down in the science fiction element of the story that they forget about them.
Try to make sure the names are not contrived; my favourite was Faylin I think; simple yet exotic. Drayden just didn’t really work for me; it sounded a little bit like a computer game character.
The teenage element was amusing to read, when Faylin was being told off for not listening, as it was something I could identify with, and it had the familliar sound of real life, but it was juxtaposed with the descriptions of the bleak room she was in, and the ‘bland greyness’ of everything. This kept the traditional feel of a science fiction story whilst adding some warmth in it from the familliar tone.
This looks to be an interesting piece, and I would say it has potential for publication. Could do with condensing still, as there are a lot of descriptions , and the story could possibly move faster, but I would come back to this again to read and review.
AV reviewed Version 5 -
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I’m not sure, but I believe I’ve reviewed other versions of this story. I believe I enjoyed the plot then, just as I did this time around. Quite the intereting ending to it as well. I think the descriptions could use the slightest tweaking, however. There are better words in some instances than the ones you used at some points or others.
adamsk13 reviewed Version 5 -
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while i think all of the background info youve given DOES work and doesnt necessarily sound akward or anything, its not necessary. some of what you’ve said can be inferred or left up to the reader to sort of guess…but if you’re not comfortable taking any out, i dont think it takes away from the overall story.
as ive said before, your characters are great and i really enjoyed this piece.
best of luck and keep writing!
Daney reviewed Version 5 -
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Once again, this is an extremely good story. It has drama and suspense and even a bit of tragedy. I love your description of the characters and you have great grammar and the conversation flows together smoothly. Please keep up with this story because I really want to know what happens next. I can tell that this will be a great story in the making.
Claire_D reviewed Version 5 -
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Background information is a precarious animal in fiction and the relevent insertion of crucial revelations that develop character while feeding into plot and theme is an art form writers take a lifetime to cultivate, unless they are abnormally precocious.
This being the case, I feel you do so very well for the piece this is. This is not to say it is perfect, far from it, but I was content that you told me enough about these characters that I was able to get a foothold on them and that’s all you have to do as a writer of this type of fantasy fiction (skewed as it is towards young adults).
As for the transitions between scenes which you also asked about, provided you make clear where the action has shifted to, I’m confident that you carry this off with a certain degree of success. You don’t have to worry about boring or alienating the reader with this data once you have them in your thrall. This is important to remember, and you utilise a very streamlined writing style that makes these small, clipped sentences of scene change work in your advantage.
This review might be a bit clear, so feel free to ask me for clarification of any points made,
Claire_D
adamsk13 reviewed Version 3 -
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i really enjoyed the prolog—especially wen you used words like deceit and debauchery to describe faylin’s last name. it’s very telling interms of who she and her family is. also a nice way to start out.
the beginning of part one is slightly boring, but only because all you’re feeding us is background information. granted, we need background information at some point, and i think how you’ve done it is the perfect way. short and simple. ...later on in pert one you’ve capitalized the word kingdome. i could be wrong, but im not so sure it needs to be.
as far as the rest of the piece goes, the only part i found somewhat confusing what the jumping back and forth between current time and flashback-y/background info sections. if it werent for your little barrier things (<><><><>)between sections, i would have been a bit confused.
other than that, well done. i really enjoyed your characters in particular. very well developed, fun, and believable—but not the cookie-cutter types of characters you usually find in these types of stories.
well done, best of luck, and keep writing!
CatDemon reviewed Version 3 -
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First off, the first two lines don’t really make sense to me, although it’s a possibility that I’m having a blonde moment… Wait! Nevermind! I get it now.
But you do have a grammatical error in the first lines. There’s a ” and a , and they should be switched.
Also, the sentence that starts ‘Actually, I’m really surprised that you don’t know who I am…’ ‘know’ should be ‘no’. And you need to know, that there needs to be some form of punctuation inside those quotation marks. Always remember: comma or some other form of punctuation before the quotation.
Overall, the flow was okay, and the characters are great, and as for the background information thing, you can never have too much background information.
I would just work on editing the errors, try a Word processor if your having trouble with that, and go with your instincts, because you are a natural born storyteller.
jet_fuel reviewed Version 3 -
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To begin with, I’m guessing this segment of a much larger work will reconnect with the character, Rowan from the beginning. You have plenty of background information in it. Will it be helpful when the piece is completed? It doesn’t seem superfluous, and most of it is interesting. There are some careless errors like silly grammatical stuff: homonyms, comma splices, etc. These are oversights that you can pick up by carefully reading it again. Grammar checks will most likely miss them. You have a lot of character description that doesn’t seem very important and feels overbearing or just downright excessive. I will paste specific lines from your piece with my suggestions in all caps, but before I do that, I want to say that yes, the piece feels publishable once the extraneous and sometimes distracting details are cut, and I also do feel this story will appeal to young adult fantasy fans.
Okay, so here I go with my suggestions:
1. . Her form was silhouetted against the blinding light of the orange sun to their right. – IS IT NECESSARY TO INCLUDE TO THE RIGHT ? B/C IT DETRACTS READER’S ATTENTION .
2. The heir of a man who had murdered his wife, a man who rivaled the king in power, and whose only political purpose was widely thought to be to assist- TOO MANY INFINITIVES- the neighboring King Zeminith, in undermining King Liam’s authority.
3. . I WOULD CHANGE THIS LINE TO READ…”KNOW WHETHER TO LOVE OT TO HATE HER” FOR THE SAKE OF BEING PARALLEL.
4. I THINK REPLACING THE WORD “THOUGH” WITH “FOR” WOULD BE BETTER SO IT READS : FAYLIN DIDN’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT THE WAR, FOR SHE WAS 13.
5.YOU WRITE, ” SHE WAS A DEVIANT CHILD; SHE OFTEN SIMPLY SAT AND STARED OFF INTO SPACE (HOW DOES THE 2ND HALF OF THIS SENTENCE RELATE TO THE FIRST? I DON’T SEE A CONNECTION. SHE WAS EXTREMELY PERCEPTIVE, WHICH WAS OFTEN UNSETTLING. UNSETTLING TO WHOM?
6. YOU WRITE, “HE LOOKED AT THE TWO MEN, SITTING ACROSS AND TO THE LEFT OF HIM ON THE OTHER SIDE OF LIAM, TALKING POLITELY TO HIM.” IS ALL THIS DIRECTION OF WHERE PEOPLE ARE SEATED IMPORTANT? TO THE LEFT? BESIDE HIM? ACROSS THE TABLE FROM HER? IT’S DISTRACTING FROM THE STORY.
7. Reyna, who realized the oddness of her question, wasn’t sure how to reply to his answer. “Oh”, she said, feeling completely awkward, and managing a polite (but still awkward) )REPLACE YOUR PHRASE (BUT STILL AWKWARD) WITH (BUT STILL UNCERTAIN )TO CUT DOWN ON REPEATING THE WORD“AWKWARD” SMILE
8. Faylin could barely move the joints in her fingers and her nose was unnaturally and annoyingly colder than the rest of her body. (I PARTICULARLY LIKE YOUR DESCRIPTION OF HER NOSE FEELING COLDER – VERY REALISTIC!)
9. Others were a normal width but were very short, some were short and skinny (PASSAGES ARE NOT SKINNY – THEY’RE NARROW? )
10. The moment she had walked into the steamy kitchen, the warmth from 3 large fires warmed her. “THE WARMTH FROM 3 LARGE FIRES WARMED HER? I’M LOL AT THAT ONE!!
11. She had thin, ugly, blond hair and watery grey eyes. YOUR DESCRIPTION OF MAUDE COULD USE SOME REWORKING. WRITING “UGLY BLOND HAIR” SOUNDS ODD. HOW/WHAT MAKES IT UGLY?
12. But when Faylin walked in, his eyes flitted to her, an object of interest far more better (I WOULD DELETE “FAR MORE BETTER TO LOOK AT” AND REPLACE IT WITH”FAR BETTER THAN MAUDE”)to look at than Maude.
13. Faylin was probably the only person to ever live that Maude had anycompassion on. I WOULD REVISE THIS LAST SENNTENCE TO “FAYLIN WAS PROBABLY THE ONLY PERSON TO EVER LIVE THAT MAUDE FOR WHOM MAUDE HAD ANY COMPASSION.”
14. It was then that when she was run-walking on the winding stone path and holding her arms for warmth that she felt something peculiar and alarming. (WHAT IS “RUN WALKING?)
15. Faylin had a very uneasy feeling about this man, something about him was different from other men (GET RID OF “FROM OTHER MEN” B/C THAT’S IMPLIED)
16. she sensed him getting nearer to her ( GET RID OF “TO HER” – IT’S UMPLIED)
17. she bumped into something rather large and linen feeling.( LINEN-FEELING SOUNDS AWKWARD)
18. The maid began to lecture her, Faylin rolled her eyes. GET RID OF “WHEN THE LECTURE SURPASSED THIRTY SECONDS.”
19. One could clearly see the woman’s scalp, and she was ugly and very cross. (WHY ARE YOU SO OFTEN DESCRIBING THE HAIR OF SEEMINGLY UNESSENTIAL CHARACTERS?)
EJSchwartz reviewed Version 3 -
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This is fantastic!! I want to read more, please email me when you have written more. The one thing I would suggest is to space after the end of your sentences. Your paragraphs are too long. You also need to check your spelling. I don’t think you have to worry about too much background, in fact I would like a lttle bit more on Liam and Lady Reyna. I am also curious about Faylin and Rowan since you started the story out with them. Give me more background on all of the Kings men if you will. I also want to know what the room that the meeting is being held in is like with the King. Is it dark? Is the table long and worn? Also what type of clothing are they wearing? You did alot of this with Faylin, her room, castle. Do this with the Kings surroundings.
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Version 5
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