Thank you very much. :)
Poetry / The Fallen Tree (Analysis)
Now here I lie,
where I once stood proud,
in silent suffocation,
‘neath winters hoary shroud.
My frost covered limbs,
were felled by the burden,
of splintered aspirations,
behind this snowy curtain.
My unfulfilled dreams,
fell like tarnished leaves,
and returned to the earth,
from which they were conceived.
But beneath the shadow,
of my violent demise,
lives a glimmer of hope,
within a young rabbits eyes.
Seeking safety and shelter,
within my hollow husk,
he lies down to sleep,
awaiting the dusk.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I opolagize, I don’t know much about poetry. I only know if I understand it and if it pleases me. This one I understand and find it rather beautiful. What had once served a purpose in life, now serves an equally important purpose in death.
- add/view comments (1)
NightRainbow reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I can see this in a book of inspirational poetry. The rhyme and rhythm is well done.
skadoosh reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This notion of postive from negative appeals to me, and I think you found an original form of it. I think you also presented it well. The falling of the tree is very heavy and morbid, but the tone of the poem changes greatly once the rabbit hops into play. Very well done.
perfct2u reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Aww, an excellent story a lot along the lines of Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree. I hope that maybe you will make illustrations to it as a children’s book. It would be great success. Cheers!
SwordlessSaint reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
the life you lead as a personification of tree is brilliantly employed here. and the rabbit i take it, is a young person who is in your charge albeit spriritually like a guardian. and the rabbit with its ‘young wide eyes’ appears as most infants do when they look up at u.
this is not overyly wordy, but enough to stay interesting throughout, and its brief enough to keep that air of mystery, so that there is something lingering to ponder about.
great work, kudos 2u.
Protagoras reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I like it because it’s not trying to be too clever, and is short and effective. Is it a tree that has fallen over with the weight of ice? If so, ‘splintered’ works very well, nice and suggestive. The dreams of a tree are somewhat hard to imagine, but I’m all for mind-bending personification so no problem. I’d definitely change “where i once stood” to “where once I stood” – it gains phonic flow. I think you need two more syllables on the ‘beneath the shadow’ line, and those two syllables should be in one word, and occur either in front of, or before, the word “shadow”. Then I think you should do the same with a one syllable word, this time before or after the word “demise” on the succeeding line. I think you’ll find that this adds some expedient convexity to the forthcoming build-up/climax. The syllables of “within a young” are sub-optimal when succeeding the previous line. I think it’s the “w”. For example, the word “before” would be softer than ‘within’. I’m obviously not suggesting to use ‘before’ as it doesn’t make sense. I’m just illustrating the smoother transition enabled by certain two-syylable words other than the word ‘within’. It’s not catastrophic, however, and no obvious replacement jumps at me. Consider “Seeking sheltered safety” not “Seeking safety and shelter”. The one syllable saving makes it in my view superior, especially since the ‘and’ appears unfortunately harsh when placed where it currently is. Where you currently have ‘to sleep’, i think would be better replaced by something that is three, not two syllables. Your choice. Then on the final line i would add one more syllable between the word ‘awaiting’ and the word ‘the’. The reason being, the finality of the syllables in t=your final line for me, though it is indeed congruous with the concept of sleeping, is uncongruous with the concept of hope, and I take hope to be the climactic theme of the piece. But it’s not critical. Again, I would just play around with the syllables, the topography, of the last two lines. Thinking about it, even adding th word ‘now’ to read ‘awaiting now the dusk’ gives you that one extra syllable and for me overcomes the slight dead-weightedness that this line currently suffers from. But it’s a very good poem as it stands. Keep writing them.
septemberchild reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I was thinking of a tree-poem today. Great imagery. Good rhythm too, rhymes without crimes is always a plus. Two things that I would say, first, I am left with uncertainty of what you want me to feel for the tree. Second, as a first impression, I think using the first person point of view as the tree actally minimizes the visual impression. Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed it.
lovescreature reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is beautifully endearing. The imagery of nature taking on a persona during a violent winter is absolutely haunting and intriguing at the same time. Great work.
Perfect_Shadow15 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I love this. It’s very strong and very promising. I love your use of enough detail but not too much. Just make sure you complete all your thoughts. Keep working and you’ll get even better. Happy writting.
Showing 1 - 10 of 19
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Item Stats
GENERAL
19 Reviews 26 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 149 Times
Skipped: 4 Times
Ratings & Rankings
