Poetry / Lucille

Even with those bigger than normal words in there, I found it easy to relate to your poem. It flowed very nicely, seemed as though you have some experience in the heart break catagory, i think we all do.

I’m not sure the format works well for this poem. It breaks in places that shouldn’t and then is too long in others.

The line “something came during the night and burglarize your saneness..” Bulgarize you saneness? it doesn’t make sense with the rest of your line. Try to reword this. I know that both bulgarize and saneness are legitimate words but they sound extremely awkward in this sentence.

I like how you bring the memory of her youth out in the poem. It is apparent the that the author is remembering and watching reality at the same time. I espeically like the lines about her long dark locks that have now turned silver, great imagery there.

Then at the end is quite a twist, we suddenly realize what has happened to this loved woman. And now there is longing and the memory seems even sweeter. I like how in the ending the woman is no longer aged but young and vibrant in your memory..

This is a good poem for feeling!

WOW,
I WAS REALLY BLOWN AWAY AND UTTERLY RELAXED AT TEH SAME TIME.  I THINK EVERYONE HAS FELT THE SAME AS THIS AUTHOR AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER IN THEIR LIVES.  I REALLY LIKED IT, AND HER WORDS ARE SO TRUE.

ALAKISWA

A very good read; gave me chills.  The biggest obstacle I had was your execution of tense. “Burglarize,” “radiate,” seem like they should be past tense: not present, but it is a very small issue.  The line “frolicking…” “amongst” should be “among”: “amongst” is archaic. I wondered about mentioning that she is in the garden. If you are on the veranda, and she is in chrysanthemums, it seems obvious. Also, noticed “leaving” in second and fourth lines, should be “left.” Last line could work better in quotes.

This is written so beautifully that I almost missed the sadness that was so well entwined.
I also felt a love that attached itself to the entire piece. Very difficult to get my arms around without a bit of sense as to the prompting for such a work. I think I see the loss of a child, perhaps a teenager or young adult. Robbed of a future. The I read it again and it is about a lost lover.
Not really sure. The feelings are all over and around this piece and they are very well done.
And finally, perhpas it is just what it is and I am to make of it what I need at the time. In which case…I do not think I want to know the reason for this to have been given life.
Thanks for a wonderful work.

nice! i like this! i like the concept alot its very relatable and one can identify with it. also your language is good and you use some really good imagery. il ove these verses ” The mahogany box… (all down to) ... for a queen ” thats great. good job

This was a very difficult read.  The lack of punctuation, combined with often awkward word order caused me to stumble through it twice before even realizing what it was about.  I am still not entirely sure what it was about though.  I’m sorry, I just don’t get it.  I mean, I get the overall theme, but it seems to contradict itself.

This seems to be the beginning of what can be a great embarkment in one’s life. That is strongly conveyed in your choice of words! The only thing I’d have to critique here is in this line where you say:

” something came during the night and burglarize your saneness”

instead

I would go with something came during the night and burglarize your sanity”

only to keep the passage correct in the grammar sense, though I rarely ever feel that grammar should be one’s pertinent worry in poetry; I think it will also make the stanza flow better. All in all, good job!

I didn’t like this at first.  It seemed like you were telling rather than showing, but as I kept reading I enjoyed it more.  Its more of a story than anything and that works for this poem.  Wonderful imagery and I like how you incorporated the song at the end.
Happy Writing!

I am so glad I chose this poem to review. Perhaps it touched me more because I am an old woman living in Florida who has seen this story repeated so many times—and in many ways I am also that old woman.  

The used of the titles Yesterday and Today were very effective. The manner in which you convey the old woman’s loss of her facilities was both poignant and complete. So few words but so much explained.

For me the most vivid imagery was provided in the line —

the glamour girl still trying to fight its way out of your cloudy mind.

These lines and the use of hibiscus, a common Florida flower, invoke a picture of many of the old women I’ve known in Florida with their dyed hair, painted faces and big jewelry—still believing themselves to be the beauties they were in their youth.

Also the description of the funeral—particularly the line about people speaking her into existence again is also one of the highlights of the poem.

There is really nothing I can say about this other than it is an exceptional poem and I will remember it for a long time. Thank you for sharing it with me.