Thanks for the review!
The sting idea was actually my making fun of all of the sting stories I’ve seen over the years. I’ll take the emotion emphasis into account when doing my next rewrite .
Thanks again,
Astro
Screenplay / La ClassaNostra: Random scenes
SCENE 1: DEGRASSI REFERENCES CAN BE FATAL!
JENNIFER and the rest of CLASS 3-D are trying to figure out who is behind the purse snatchings in the area and how to stop them and clear ARCHIE’S name. The class are dressed in t-shirts and jeans with the odd football or hockey jersey. TOAD is wearing a WNBA New York Liberty jersey and dress pants. JENNIFER is wearing a blue track suit with the Westdale school logo on the back, a green t-shirt and white sneakers. She is also wearing glasses and double ponytails.
JENNIFER is walking around the class while talking with the students. The students are all seated but the desks are positioned in a big cluster near the front of the CLASSROOM.
JENNIFER
So someone is running around town disguised as Archie and mugging innocent girls eh?
TOAD
Word is he does most of his shake downs by Delmar Station.
RANDOM STUDENT #1
He almost knocked me over the railing and into the river when getting away. He had a mask over his face and bleach blonde hair.
JENNIFER
Is that so?
PANDA
We KNOW it aint Arch doing it because the guy knocked over Lainey and we all know Arch wouldn’t go after Mario’s girl.
ARCHIE
Bros before Hos Jencapri.
JENNIFER
Hey, I want to take this dirtbag down just as much as you guys. Nobody’s gonna point any fingers in this class.
MARIO
So what are we going to do about this? Gordon’s going to rat Arch out to the cops if we can’t catch this guy.
JENNIFER
What we have to do is run a sting and take him down.
RANDOM STUDENT #2
A sting?
JENNIFER
That’s how the fuzz catch criminals red handed. We go under cover, catch the bastard in the act and bring him in.
STEPH
Wait a minute, isn’t that how O.J. got arrested?
JENNIFER
Yes but O.J.’s a dumbass who thought taking a gun to get autographed footballs in a hotel room would end well.
STEPH
So what do you plan on doing?
JENNIFER
Well work with me here guys, what else have you heard about this guy?
PANDA
I heard he goes after pretty girls.
MARIO
Lainey says she got robbed at around 9:30 Wednsday night.
RANDOM STUDENT #1
It was sometime between 9 and 10 when I saw him running away.
JENNIFER
So he has one area he likes to do his business. He only goes after pretty girls, and he always strikes at around 9:30!
We all can’t be there at the same time or he’ll know we are after him. What we need is some bait!
Close ups of each 3D student JENNIFER picks out as she is talking.
JENNIFER
Panda? Nah, too fat.
Stephan? Nah, too quiet.
Toad? Dude wears WNBA jerseys, NOBODY’S gonna touch him.
TOAD
HEY!
JENNIFER
Mario? Too good looking.
Archie? The guy won’t rob his twin.
Well you guys won’t be able to lure him in. We need a pretty girl to make his little head take over so you can bust his big one in.
MARIO
No way Jencapri, Lainey is NOT getting mugged again for the sake of your stupid idea.
JENNIFER
Of course not, we need someone he hasn’t robbed before. Someone who we can trust. Someone who’s hot as hell!
Shot of 3D wondering who they could possibly use as bait to catch the theif.
JENNIFER
(Pointing at herself and trying to strike a sexy pose.)
ME you idiots! ME!
all
YOU!!!
TOAD
But you’re flat chested.
PANDA
You’re a four eyed dork.
STEPH
I’m just not feeling it.
JENNIFER
Come on, all I have to do is wear a disguise and he’ll think I’m hotter than your mom.
MARIO
Fine whatever, just get the punk who robbed my girl.
TOAD
Fine as long as nobody can identify you as our teacher. We have a rep to defend.
STEPH
Let’s see the outfit and then I’ll let you know.
PANDA
Whadya think Arch?
ARCHIE
Who cares? They’re gonna fry me anyway so do what you want.
JENNIFER climbs onto a desk.
JENNIFER
All right, it’s settled! We meet at 8:00 at the baseball diamond. Operation: Undercover Jencapri is ON! (puts her fist in the air!)
3D collectively shakes their heads in shame.
ARCHIE
(To STEPH)
So Steph, think we can get this guy?
STEPH
No but at least we get to see Jencapri make an ass out of herself.
ARCHIE
Yeah, that’s the juice!
JENNIFER jumps at ARCHIE’S desk, smashing it to bits.
ARCHIE and STEPH are shocked.
JENNIFER stretches a bit after getting to her feet.
JENNIFER
(very calmly)
Um Archibald? Hi. Um, was that a Degrassi reference in my class?
ARCHIE
Um, yeah Jen, why?
JENNIFER
(still very calm and collective)
Well then. Archie, if you EVER make another reference to that show in my classroom… YOU will be the desk. ...are we clear?
ARCHIE and STEPH nod.
FADE TO A QUICK MONTAGE OF CARS GOING BY AND KIDS WALKING BY THE SCHOOL TO MUSIC.
SCENE 2: THE CLOTHES
JENNIFER is in a BACK ALLEY behind a PIZZA PLACE that TED and MICKEY run as a side business. TED comes out with a big paper bag to meet her. TED is wearing a white dress shirt, beige slacks, gray sneakers and a dirty apron. It is sunset/early evening when this happens.
JENNIFER
You got the stuff?
TED
It’s all right here Jenny.
TED hands the bag to JENNIFER. She takes the bag under her right arm.
JENNIFER
Thanks Ted!
JENNIFER turns to leave.
TED
Be careful out there Jenny!
JENNIFER waves as she turns the corner onto the street.
SHOT OF THE CITY AT NIGHT
SCENE 3: OPERATION: UNDERCOVER JENCAPRI!
TOAD, PANDA, STEPH and MARIO are by the BASEBALL DIAMOND BACKSTOP waiting for JENNIFER. All of them are sitting in the bleachers and wearing the same clothes as they were in class except for jackets.
PANDA
Where the hell is Jencapri?
MARIO
Yeah man, it’s after 8 already.
JENNIFER
(Unseen at this point)
HEY GUYS!!!
TOAD, PANDA, STEPH and MARIO look in total shock and not in a good way.
Shot of JENNIFER wearing pink pantyhose, a jean skirt, a Gwen Stefani t-shirt and a pink long sleeved shirt underneath. She is wearing white sneakers and a scruffy blonde wig. She is wearing an imitation Louis Baton purse over her shoulder and is excited as hell to be there. The camera starts at her feet and works it’s way up to her face in this shot.
JENNIFER
So you guys ready to kick some ass?
PANDA
It’s Veronica Mars!
MARIO
My mom is hotter than this and she’s been dead for 10 years!
TOAD
This is wrong on so many levels.
STEPH
giggles
JENNIFER
Come on, who couldn’t resist a girl who looks like THIS?
ALL
Everyone!
JENNIFER
(to herself)
Hmmph, true beauty is never understood in it’s own time…
(to ALL)
Okay boys, let’s go get ourselves a purse snatcher!
JENNIFER AND THE BOYS HEAD OUT AND THE SCENE FADES INTO THE NEXT ONE.
SCENE 4: TO CATCH A THIEF
JENNIFER is walking around on the STREET swinging her purse around hoping to lure the thief in so the guys can catch him. There is nobody on the street at around 9:30 much to her chagrin.
STEPH, PANDA, MARIO and TOAD are hiding under the STAIRS by the overpass by JENNIFER waiting to jump the thief.
JENNIFER
(to herself)
Oh MAN! Where is this guy? Can’t he see that the hottest thing on two legs is trolling the street all by herself?
(out loud)
COME ON OOOOOOOUUUUUUUTTTT! I’m just a hot pretty young thing all alone with a prada full of cash! YOU HOOOOOOOO!!!
PANDA
(To STEPH)
Hey Steph? How much longer do we have to endure this torture?
STEPH
It’s just after 9:30 now so hopefully he’ll show so she’ll shut the fuck up really soon.
GIRL
SCREAM! HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!
The THIEF struck again on the other side of the STREET from where JENNIFER was.
JENNIFER
OH NO! He’s on the OTHER side of the street. LET’S GO BOYS!!!
JENNIFER crosses the street and chases the THIEF down.
STEPH, TOAD and MARIO get across the STREET while PANDA struggles to clear the guard rail.
PANDA
C’MON GUYS, WAIT FOR ME!
JENNIFER chases the THIEF into a BACK ALLEY and jumps him. She then puts him in the SHARP SHOOTER. (Famous wrestling move.)
JENNIFER
HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME! HE’S GOT MY PURSE!!!
The BOYS catch up and all jump on the THIEF.
JENNIFER
Okay, great work guys! UH OH!
PANDA running at top speed towards the pile and leaps to pile on.
ALL
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
PANDA
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
PANDA crashes on top of the pile knocking THIEF out cold. JENNIFER, STEPH, MARIO, TOAD and PANDA slowly get up, all but PANDA are in serious pain.
ALL
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
JENNIFER
Okay guys, you did good now could you please get off me before I die of thug fart poisioning?
Everyone gets up except for the THIEF who is out cold.
JENNIFER and 3-D surround the THIEF.
TOAD
He doesn’t look like he goes to our school guys.
PANDA
Can I poke him with a stick?
JENNIFER
Okay purse thief guy, LET’S SEE WHO YOU REALLY ARE!
STEPH
Jencapri? Um, was that a Scooby-Doo reference in my hood?
JENNIFER
Yes and I can say it because I can kick your ass and you’d thank me for it. Now let’s unmask this punk!
MARIO does the honors and it is an old guy with a blonde wig.
STEPH
Oh my god, it’s the old dude who run Flynn’s Arcade on Queen and Vaughn!
ALL
(GASP)
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kelvingk reviewed Version 1 -
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I should start off by saying I don’t know much about screenplays and don’t watch a lot of TV. Having said that, this was definitely an amusing read.
I guess it’s hard to tell since I haven’t read the pilot episode, but I’m assuming this was written for a kids’ audience. The part where Jennifer smashes one student’s desk, for example, seems comical in a cartoonish way. The swearing, then, stood out sorely with this audience in mind:
“STEPH
It’s just after 9:30 now so hopefully he’ll show so she’ll shut the fuck up really soon.”
Perhaps I’m missing the point, though. I’m interested in reading more and gaining a better understanding of the context. Thanks for sharing!
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johnstanley637 reviewed Version 1 -
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The random selection of scenes by definition makes keeping a sense of flow/progression difficult but that said, the characters all quickly developed their own unique sense of self in my mind.
In terms of “cleaning it up” then personally I would like just a few more dedicated SD’s for characters giving me a better idea of how they are feeling at any given point: alot of this can come from the words spoken but a better guide to mental state every now and then wouldn’t go amiss. Otherwise, the quality of the writing is undeniable…I’m not totally convinced by the “sting” storyline as it feels like well-trodden ground but then, as with so many familiar plots it’s the telling that creates the originality rather than the plots themselves.
Maud reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall a good concept but found the dialogue a bit stilted. Could use a few more contractions and present tense verbs and lose a few of the pronouns and contractions. Suggestions follow;
#1: So someone is running around town disguised as Archie and mugging innocent girls eh?
How about: So someone’s running around town dressed up like Archie mugging innocent girls?
#2: Word is he does most of his shakedowns by Delmar Station.
How about: Word is he’s doing most of his shakedowns ‘round Delmar Station.
#3: He almost knocked me over the railing and into the river when getting away. He had a mask over his face and bleach blonde hair.
How about: He almost knocked me over the railing into the river trying to get away. The dude was wearing a mask and a real crazy looking blonde wig.
#4: We KNOW it ain’t Arch doing it because the guy knocked over Lainey and we all know Arch wouldn’t go after Mario’s girl.
How about: We know it ain’t Arch ‘cause the guy knocked over Lainey and Arch would never go after Mario’s girl.
Liked Jennifer’s description of the students and loved their description of her. Paybacks are always hell.
Thought the last scene worked the best.
Hope this is the kind of critique you were looking for. Good luck.
kayray reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this screen play. It is funny and lighthearted. The plot is a entertaining and believable. The characters are funny, but the only thing I would recommend you do is make them a little more believable. But nice going. I think with revision this could be something great.
Peabeth reviewed Version 1 -
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the one thing that stood out for me is that you can capture language of the group you are trying to illustrate so well, which creates a realness to it that i think would be increadibly well suited for tv, which i would have to say well done, a very well though out and creative screen play that i would quite happily watch.
alwyzripped reviewed Version 1 -
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This is truly attention getting as how well you get into the plot with these characters it carries the reader from beggining to end and all honesty we all know how hard that is to do all in all i thought this was a truly good piece keep it up and keep writing well done
Lotty reviewed Version 1 -
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jesus you need to lighten this up a bit babe! I liked it, it was sweet, practical and to the point….i think your protagonist adeptly depicts the characters but after this point i felt a little lost from there on in…i think if you worked on making the characters distinguishable from one another i would have enjoyed this piece a lot better. In some parts i found this to be rather bland and unexciting, and somewhat predictable but if you work on it i cant see why it wouldnt turn into somethign a bit more punchy! I dont mean to piss on your chips darlin, i just think that if you make the characters more like, identifiable instead of them all being pretty standard…well this is only my opinion!! I tink the layout is dead good and easy to follow and i understood and could visualise the actual scene you were describing..i think you need to find somethign that will set you apart because to me it seemed to be like any other american drama… x
LIFEAFTERDYING reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought this was very good! I feel I can some what realate to jennifer a bit.
I like the take charge attitude she has. The line about the 10 year dead mother looking better than Veronica Mars was hilarious too. Who would have thought it was the old man, great job my friend!
robertryburn reviewed Version 1 -
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Well I enjoyed the beginning as it sounds exciting and you lost me in the middle of the script.
You do not need a publisher. Publish it yourself.
Go to your local library and ask them how to copyright this thing.
From there you can get a UPC code and ISBN number.
Then go to your local print shop and ask them how much to print this thing out.
Do it in black and white with a softcover.
Then go to your local bookstore and ask if they would like to do a book signing from the author.
Give them 10% of your purchase price so you will not have to pay for visa mastercard etc. The bookstore will do that for you.
Do this on Saturday morning and or Sunday morning.
Good luck.
chimchar214 reviewed Version 1 -
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I will admit that I did not read the whole piece, however there are two problems that I pointed out.
Let’s start with this one. I happen to have copied and pasted a quote from your play.
________________
PANDA
(To STEPH) REMOVE THIS. YOU ARE BEING REDUNDANT WE ALREADY KNOW THAT PANDA IS TALKING TO STEPH FROM THE QUOTE ITSELF.
Hey Steph? How much longer do we have to endure this torture?
STEPH
It’s just after 9:30 now so hopefully he’ll show so she’ll shut the fuck up really soon.
(This part is redundant. Look at Panda’s quote. Remove (To Steph). We already know that Panda is talking to Steph without the the parenthesis below the name.
_________________________—
Second, I do not see any type of emotion in your piece. When I read the play, I cannot interpret what each character is thinking and feeling. Is Panda, Jennifer, Archie and Mario happy,angry, or sad when they said “this”. Because of that your characters are not alive and they sound robotic.
Be sure to add some emotion to this play, otherwise the characters will be two-dimensional and not sound real and also don’t just tell me where they are describe the scene,and their surroundings. What are they wearing etc?
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