maybe. I am either going to elaborate fully or leave it alone forever.
Non-fiction / On Love
Every time I hear some cliché indie love song, I want to scream back at it. Not even at the song, at him. I think about how I wanted to melt into his bones and breathe his heartbeat and feel him feeling my love. I wanted to squeeze my life and his together and proceed as one entity. My body ached and I hated myself for not being him. My lungs and heart and brain all wanted that love; that same intensity to last forever. Longer than forever because there would never be enough time to be with him. Not if the universe collapsed upon itself and became something different all together. We would still be. It was more than faith. It was hope, love perhaps, but hate as well. We, together, were all things and nothing at all.
And it all fell inwards when it ended (just like the universe) my chest, my heart; my emotions all crushed me because I came to the realization that I would not be enough. Not for him. For I had taken all I had, every ounce of love, patience,& understanding; wrapped it up and plunged it(much like an iron fist through a chest) into him. I drove him to movies, where he met girls he cheated on me with. He went to a different high school than I did and there was a girl there, I think here name was Sara. She was a blond girl who was less than gorgeous that he cheated on me with for a long while. I didn’t believe my friends when they told me, I couldn’t deal or accept that at that time. When He started doing cocaine, and dealing it, I turned a blind eye, made excuses, and in the end was hurt by it. He lied to his father and told him he had gotten it from me. This was around the time I thought I was pregnant, and I was in the hospital for a week from stress and not sleeping. He never came to visit me. I called him every day, and I cried because I knew it was defiantly over. He had a new girlfriend by then anyways, a little Goth girl named Hannah.
On the whole that arrangement felt a bit lopsided and unjust. Every scrap of me became demoralized and internalized. There was pain and shame in the act of being real. What is it about the loss of him that made me feel like vapor? I became a transparent breath of wind. People should be able to love who they want to and be who they are. I should have been able to love him as myself. The question was and still is now… How can love not be enough?
Some days I just want to save his soul from his mind. I want to take away the drugs, and the girls, and the lies, and just love him. I can remember it clearly, my heart beating next to, or inside of, his. And I knew him like I knew myself. I thought to myself, “Here is someone who has betrayed me, but I still know he’s a better man than he thinks he is. I know he is better person, by far, than he pretends to be.” When we talked some nights, both cold and lonely, suffering from our latest emotional traumas, I thought that justified both my feelings for him and the way he treated me. It was okay with me; as long as I could stay somewhere inside his heart or mind… I could deal with being some kind of absent lullaby. Then he would ever really be gone to me, we could still exist if he needed me. I was a fool.
Strength. It’s been over a year now. The picture of him I had on the wall above my bed curled with the heat of summer and the sudden onset of fall made the tape lose its strength altogether, and it fell. I haven’t picked it up, and it gathers dust beneath my bed. As I move further away from who I was I can see the naïveté. I am not ashamed of it, but it makes me wonder. Can any person love as wholly as the first time they experience the sharp newness of a first love? That first love that is purely the unbridled hope for a future, hope for an eternity? The unstoppable desire for perfection.
I saw him two weeks ago. I gave him a hug. His hair cut sucks now, he’s off the coke, but still uses Ecstasy and smokes weed. He also got a big tattoo on his arm, which was given to him by his brother. I hate it. He’s too smart for that shit, and he’s a pompous little bastard too. The worst part is he knows he’s that smart and his music is that good. I still have that need for him, but it is not as urgent. I can see into him and into myself. He still knows me better than anyone I have ever known and He’s the only one who knows my full story. I know there may never be someone to see me that clearly ever again, if not for awhile. The pain of losing him cost me the ability of full self disclosure. But strength has come and filled the place where doubt used to live. When he left I feared that I would die, but I didn’t. I can see that everything is a cycle, and I can begin again. Fear grips my heart and my breath quickens when I think about a new love. It’s interesting, how fear and love have the same number of letters. How the two can be intertwined and it can be amazing or devastating. I can now see that I owe him nothing. I owe myself something though. I deserve better than that. It’s been a long hard journey to the discovery of this and to the discovery of who I am, and I am not finished with it yet. More than anything I don’t want to be forgotten. I don’t want him to loose the same memories of us that I cherish because I will never forget the boy who taught me, though unwillingly, what happens when love in a relationship is uneven. I was willing to give anything for that love, to sacrifice myself so that IT would survive. I sacrificed my emotions, my love, and at times, my sanity. In return I got a broken heart, but I learned I am much stronger that I ever though possible.
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scottsta reviewed Version 4 -
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This 189 word review has not been unlocked.
CatDemon reviewed Version 4 -
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Flow is great, and I don’t see any holes in it. However, there are a few grammatical errors.
In the last sentence in the third paragraph, ‘ever’ should be ‘never’, and the sentence, ‘Can you ever jump off the cliff again, not knowing…’ ‘no’ should be ‘not’.
Over all, the emotion and pain you put in this is really evident, and I can almost feel the sting you are.
Great work!
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robertryburn reviewed Version 3 -
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Your words run together and I was bored after the first paragraph. You could look at your story and give it some more thought.
Use the who,what,when,where,why,how and feel in your sentences and your paragraphs. Review each word and maybe go to the library for using other words to replace the ones you are using.
Goog luck.
LIFEAFTERDYING reviewed Version 3 -
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Very good detail of events and emotions that took place. It is sad that alot of people give way more in a realtionship than the other and then when we find someone just like ourselves we tend to be the one not giving as much. Anyway, I thought this was very good!
jweeble reviewed Version 2 -
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The flow is fluid and just lovely. The heartache and heartbreak that was before and still is, can be felt in its bittersweet entirety. You have some grammatical errors that should be fixed, but the liquidy emotional flow is gorgeous.
Serendipity32 reviewed Version 2 -
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Your first paragraph is your best one. The images are good, the pain, the loss of direction, the total sublimation of your personality to this love you feel…these are convincing. However, as you go on, you don’t seem to make any progress in terms of developing the idea that seems to lap at the edges of the piece, the idea that extricating yourself from the grasp of this all-consuming love is an extremely difficult thing. In fact, you seem to surrender to being a victim in your last line. This makes the reader pity you…do you want that? Perhaps what you need to do is to gain some distance from the subject…if this is a recent, real-life experience, which it reads like. You seem too emotionally involved to be able to back off and look at it dispassionately. It could be a strong piece, if you can do that.
sarcasmspecialist reviewed Version 2 -
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First and foremost, I loved this piece. It was if someone else was articulating feelings I’ve had in the past, and I completely understand and sympathize with the intense emotions of this piece. They’re conveyed really well.
You noted that you were very concerned with the flow of the piece. I think perhaps it would work best if you had a clear beginning, middle, and an end. It’s also important for you to show us the downward spiral of your relationship rather than telling us.
The notes in parentheses didn’t really work for me. They can be erased or formatted differently—either is a good choice. But as it is now, I’m not a fan.
And finally, the last paragraph was the most powerful of the piece. You showed me how much you loved this person, rather than just telling me you loved them. I saw that love in how you saw them as a person.
Overall, very well done.
LMPATE reviewed Version 2 -
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First too many emotions and thoughts put into sentences. To often you are using the word and to piece together thoughts than should have been broken into separate sentences. ”and breathe his heartbeat and” example of and’s and also the wrong word or wording. You can’t breathe in someones heart. Absorb the sound of his heartbeat, tuned into mine. ”It was hope, love perhaps, but hate as well.” I liked this. Love with this much passion evolves to hate or smothering, even stalking. This is love uncontrolled. I really liked the ending “I can deal with being some kind of absent lullaby.” It still needs a little work to have it flow. Try having someone read it to you. Don’t interrupt or explain; just listen to the times that person stumbles over a sentence, gets a questioning look on their face and mark it down. That will help you figure out the areas needing some fine tuning.
DCAllen reviewed Version 2 -
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The idea “absent lullaby” sounds like your story, but it comes really late. Maybe this is your intention. You are a good writer. Strong emotions. Good observations. Your writing lacks imagery, but maybe this is also intentional.
My proofreading notes:
that love; that same intensity (The semicolon may be used only when you can also use a period. Here, use a comma or the em dash.)
all together = altogether
For I had taken all I had – every ounce of love, patience,& understanding - wrapped it up and plunged it(much like an iron fist through a chest) into him. (This is the correct punctuation in my opinion.)
he is better (insert “a” before “better”)
a_sooner_girl reviewed Version 2 -
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Very passionate and emotional. I love the language, “absent lullaby” and “transparent breath of wind”. It flows very well. This is a great beginning to something. Are you thinking of adding to it?
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