Poetry / Give Me A Chance To Love You Right

It is as if you wrote this based on my life.  I completely understand every single detail of this poem.  I could feel how much you love the woman in the poem.  There is only one line that needs some attention – “eventhough his presence as subsided.”  Shouldn’t this read – even though his presence has subsided?  Overall, I think that it is a very romantic poem.  

Other than a spelling error (“eventhough his presence as subsided”; I believe you meant to write “has”), this poem feels really heartfelt and pompous in the sweetest way. I felt that the structure worked and it had good flow. There are some lines that I thought were a little muddled:
“His clothing lingering with his smell/you gathered by the door./You embraced the last smell of him” – It’s an interesting notion but the words need to be put in a different order. I believe you could make a bigger impact that way.

Umm…The lines that really blew me away were:  
“never letting your heart go astray/treating it with care/keeping it dear to me/divorcing the fears that you were married to over the years”. Especially that last line about “divorcing fears”. What a beautiful metaphore (even though the actual subject matter itself is not, obviously.) you’ve presented.

I’ll be honest with you, when I read the first couple I lines I thought that this was going to be a cliched sort of love poem but the more I read it the more I enjoyed it. It’s go this very sort of “layered” feel to it and your play with words makes for a very interesting read. I look forward to more!

interesting. not bad i actuallyl iked it a little but it needs some work, some of the verses work very well but others need to be reworded or rearranged
verses i like:
but nothing seemed suffice
because the thief came and stole what should have been mine
hoping to makeup for lost time

divorcing the fears that you were married to over the years
taking away all the pain in your eyes
and make them mine
just one chance to love you till the end of time.

verses i didnt like:
just a chance for my affection to blow you way
never letting your heart go astray
treating it with care
keeping it dear to me

I sat there and watched you trying to get your day back together
doing many things
nothing accomplished.

I very like this poem. I cant very feel the longing this person has for someone that doesn’t want them. I can’t very find and thing wrong or that not to be change. Great job can wait to read more.

I like the passion that you have for the person that this is intended for.  I actually though about something that was completely different then what must have been your intent.

For some reason, girls will ALWAYS ditch the nice guy for someone that seems, and turns out to be the wrong person for their life.  I used to be the guy who wanted to swoop in and collect the fallen girl after she is hurt.  Things have changed now.  If the girl can’t THINK enough to date a guy who she knows will treat her well, then she deserves the heartbreak that is coming to her by dating the “bad boy who is filled with self confidence.”

All I have for the writer is advice.  When the time is right, approach her with the utmost self confidence and MAKE HER YOURS.  You should HAVE the self confidence because you KNOW you were better then the last guy.  Be your self, be STRONG, and NEVER compare your self to the last guy (unless you want to hear stories about him for hours after you mention it).  If she is smart, she’ll stick with you.  If she is stupid, she’ll make the same mistake all over again.

Your piece was good.  It conveys everything that I think you feel for him/her.  It’s the kind of piece where if she read it (at the right time), she would want to know who wrote it.

“His clothing lingering with his smell
you gathered by the door.
You embraced the last smell of him” -  If I saw that, I would just think to myself “this girl is going to be emotionally unavailable for a while”  For you, I can understand how it would be heartbreaking knowing that the guy who mistreated her is still on her mind.

In conclusion!  I love how this feels genuine.  You are writing it to GET the girl, and I READ it like you should lose the girl and find a better fish.  Good piece.

There are a few typos but hey, nothings perfect right?! This is pretty rich with emotional context. It definitely made me feel a little guilty because I was recently in a situation like this, but on another side of it.

The first eight lines are the strongest. At times, it seems as though you have made your point, but you take too long to do it, using words you don’t need to. The line about the thief seems to overdo it, unless there is something more you haven’t elaborated upon, in which case you should. How was he a thief? was it really yours or does it just seem like it should be?

“nothing seemed suffice” should add a word before suffice. probably “to”
“eventhough” two words

“just a chance for my affection to blow you way ” also seems like you’re over doing it. try making it more subtle. say what you want without coming out and saying it.

I hope this isn’t offensive to you. This is a good base, you just need to proofread and rework some choice lines.