I wasn’t really trying for original. It was more of a description exercise. The blandness of the character, lack of background or follow up about him were sort of on purpose. I was focusing more on describing his situation, and surroundings.
Short Story / Sand
Adam’s feet shuffled through the loose, fine sand, sinking into it slightly with each step, making the trek that much harder. The heat was unbearable, blistering. The sun was at his back, searing his skin. He had left his shirt behind an hour ago, thinking foolishly it was too hot to wear one. His eyes were fixed forward, on that shimmering in the distance. The way the ground seemed to ripple, breathe, the blue color, it had to be water, he was sure of it. Why wasn’t it getting any closer? He had been following it for over an hour. Why was it always staying the same distance?
His mouth hung half open, as it had been for the past twenty-minutes or so, it hurt too much to move it, to try and close it. His lips were cracked and dry, splitting open at the slightest movement, the sting just adding to the long list of problems. Every time the wind picked up, even the slightest bit, the fine dust rose and stung his eyes. They would tear if he had any tears left, just as he would sweat if he had any sweat left. Not a drop though.
He stumbled for a moment, and came to a stop. He stood there for some time, staring emotionlessly at his surroundings, immersed in a deafening silence broken only by his breath. Dunes, for miles, all there was were dunes, and those colors. Tan and blue, everywhere he looked, tan and blue! The sand was tan, the sky was blue, and his jeans were blue! It was driving him insane! Why wasn’t it more colorful? Why couldn’t there be just a splash of green, or orange? He let out a piercing howl, his mouth wide open. Quickly a hand shot up to his stinging lips. He had split them again. He brought his finger down from his face. Red! He stared at the finger, a half smile on his blistered face. What a beautiful color it was, so different than tan and blue.
Feeling strangely rejuvenated, he glanced back up. The water was still there, taunting him. He would catch it, that beautiful shimmering water. He was so thirsty, and so hot. Shade! He needed shade badly. Just for a moment, then he would continue chasing the elusive water. But where? The sun burned his back so badly, he needed just a little shade. Then he saw it. How had he missed it? It had been in front of him the whole time! He stepped forward, trying to plant his foot within it, but the shadow moved, he tried again with the other foot. It moved. Every time he tried to get into this shade it moved! It was taunting him like the water! Faster he walked, missing the shadow by less than a hair each time. The sun at his back burned hotly, he needed that shade. His walk quickly turned into a gallop, then to a run, and finally to an outright sprint. Why was the water tricking him? Why was the shade teasing him so? With a great cry he leaped forward, wanting to fall into that small shadow that was always in front of him.
He sobbed loudly in the sand, lying flat, though no tears came. It was gone. It had disappeared. The shadow had made him run, waste energy. He didn’t care anymore. His skin burned, the thirst was unquenchable. The sand stung his eyes, burnt his skin worse than the sun burnt his back. But it didn’t matter. He wanted to leave, to be done with this place. He wanted it to be over.
And within a few minutes, it was.
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avedis reviewed Version 1 -
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Basically very well written – though that ending sentence is trite and redundant, leave his death to our imagination.
You have captured everything well, and neither over nor under descriptive.
However, one very large point remains;
other than an exercise in writing, why this story?
It is an old theme, shown in many movies. That doesn’t mean do not write it, or waste it now you have written it.
Just think of a context for it, something to add that makes it totally your own and of extra value for the reader.
Very good writing skills though.
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jhmckeogh reviewed Version 1 -
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deafening silence – cliche
“so” does not quantify “badly,” it needs to be part of a so/that clause… “the sun burned his back so badly, that he needed some shade”
Read Jack London’s to build a fire… its a really good short story about how the elements kill a man. I think we should meet the narrator a bit before he goes insane in hallucinations. Have him walking and thinking. Work on having the heat build up, the thirst build up, the insanity…
cheers,
james
Korp reviewed Version 1 -
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I quite liked this. You did a great job of making us feel the heat of the desert. It definitely works as a small piece.
I would advise you to search your story for commas that should be semicolons.
Example: “moved; he tried”
Very nice otherwise.
jmantooth reviewed Version 1 -
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Not bad for a story with no background about how he got in the situation. I like the way you described his descent into madness, though the desert mirage thing is a little cliched. I don’t know what to say about this one, really. It works for what it is, but if you wanted to go for publication you’d definitely have to flesh it out.
divya reviewed Version 1 -
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sort of a cliche scenario but well described nonetheless. I liked the bit about colors, then red. nice setup. It ends predictably with death. if there was another direction this could go i would take it, it needs furthering, into something new. it sounds like a good start to something. how bout he nearly dies but survives to live differently, more cautiously. well written but not very original.
PrincesswriterC reviewed Version 1 -
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You a made exciting a story of a man dying in the desert. It was a quick read and I as the reader felt for this man, his continual hope, his focus on his goal though ever illusive. Great job, dear writer.
(The sun burned his back so badly,he needed just a little shade.) Should be:
[The sun burned his back so badly; he needed just a little shade.]
Smile,
Princess
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