Thanks for the advice about the two lines, I didn’t particularly like way that sounded either, repetitive. I’ll think of a good way to work around it and make it more fluid.
Poetry / Four Days
-Four Days-
Something you asked me to do seems irrational to me, but you’re probably right.
I still seem to chase the choice that makes no sense though.
An impossibility, a slim chance, I bet everything on it.
Do I really want it?
I always wanted stability, is it what I chose?
On the first day you love me, and on the second you don’t.
On the third you hate me, and on the fourth you’re sorry.
Then the first day comes back, the others follow again.
This cycle, is it a kind of twisted stability? Maybe I got what I asked for.
On day one you’re what’s best for me, on day two you say you know what’s best for me,
on day three you couldn’t care what’s best for me, and on day four you wish you knew.
I can never tell which is true.
I should love the one who loves me, and I do.
I shouldn’t love the one who doesn’t, but I do.
I shouldn’t care what the one who hates me thinks, but I do.
I don’t know which one is the real you.
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stardust06 reviewed Version 3 -
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I like this – I think you did a good job of describing this relationship.
The only thing I’m going to suggest is the last stanza. It seems a little anti-climactic. Especially the last two lines. Try re-thinking what you’re really trying to say here – is there any way to get the idea across without making it quiet so….i don’t know any other way to say this….cheesy? If not, it may at least benefit from making the first two lines a sentence and then break and make the last two lines a separate sentence. It may be stronger if you drop the “and” at the beginning of line three.
Keep working on this – it has great potential!
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Wave reviewed Version 2 -
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this is the first piece i’ve read all the way through today…it wasn’t too random, which is a good and refreshing thing. well, looking forward to read more of your words…
LIFEAFTERDYING reviewed Version 2 -
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very good description of the back and forthness of a relationship. one day, next day back and forth. love should never have to be sold like a used car and one should never have to wonder if they are enough. good luck!
Serendipity32 reviewed Version 2 -
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I really like the way you try to look at your relationship as a kind of perverted stability. It’s convincing, because when we love without reservation, we tend to rationalize the ups and downs and the negative signals so that we don’t have to face the “unface-able.” What I’d like to see you do in the last line is come back to that “stability” theme. I’m not going to suggest how except to say that I see a way suggested by the previous three lines. But you may come up with anothr way. It’s your poem, your experience, I’m sure you can do it. You say you don’t know if the poem is good or not….it has the potential, so go back and work on that last line. Good luck!
jet_fuel reviewed Version 2 -
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The sad tones are echoed by the repetition of those 4 confusing days of fool’s love, regret, hate, and sorrow. It seems like you’ve learned that relationships that begin fast fade just as quickly. I also seems that the speaker is not the only one who is unsure of him/herself because you say, “Maybe I got what I asked for,” and “I don’t know which one is the real you.” Your mood and tone are clear, but I can’t help but think the feelings are as fleeting as teen love. Overall, it’s decent and a piece that most people can relate to. I’d develop it though and consider taking a stand and revising those philosophical questions inro personal statements. Deep down, let us know if “[you]really want it” and comment on the stability you clearly did not get!
Jimmel104 reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is very good.
You have managed to catch a very typical way of life for many relationships.
I also like the introspection you show with the rhetorical questions and the stements of the last three lines.
I do think you can work on this some and make it much better. Example:
“On the first day … you don’t.
On the third …fourth you’re sorry.”
The feelings evoked in these two lines are fine, but the way they are written sounds/feels a bit awkward. I think the problem is in the second line. Try some different phrasing or wording to say the same thing but in a way that sounds like a natural progression from the first line.
Hope that is making sense to you. This is really a nice start.
Now dump this person and find someone that will stay on the first day. :>)
8281magerk reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed the poem, I think you articulated your emotions very well. However, I do think you could expand on this, perhaps make it a short story? It is evident that many deep emotions exist within this piece of writing and I think you would be very successful if you explored them more.
tildesk reviewed Version 1 -
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good poem. I’d take out “though” at end of 2nd line. I like the last stanza a lot. The poem flows well (except for the “though”) and its clear your confusion and frustration. Good work!
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