Sci Fi & Fantasy / Prey
No matter how far I run, there is always the stench of death and decay. I’ll never outrun it for I am the smell. It will always be there, my eternal companion.
It wasn’t always like this, I used to be a man. I smelled flowers, dirt and sweat. Back then it stank and I was glad to be rid of it after a bath. Now I would do anything to smell it again. But it remains death circling me. Just like the flies, those damn flies. Always they haunt me, never a moments peace. But death remains, encircling me like those damn flies. Yet I am here in the rain with a cigarette to warm me up. Silly idea actually. How can a vampire feel? No blood, no heat nor cold. No feeling, forever. Just the flies.
A raindrop falls off my hat and extinguishes my cigarette. Without a thought ,I light another. The smoke glides in without any effort. Once a little old lady warned me for the dangers of smoking. She herself had smoked for ages and was cured of cancer. Now she would live healthy and never pollute her body again.
Can you imagine her surprise when I showed her lungs covered in blood and black with ashes? Something that resembles an amused feeling awakens in me. Strong enough to make me smile if only for an instance, since the soulless takes control again.
So now I am here in the rain at night. Some jealous wife had given me the mission to follow a young woman. Her temptation made her husband leave the faithful path. I believe it was the fat ugly appearance of the wife, but she paid well. Even with an extra reward if the young temptress would vanish without a trace. She looked insulted when I started to laugh. Grinning I accepted the money and assured her I would be discrete and efficient. I still amuses me. It seems as though someone pays you to dine in a expensive restaurant.
That is why I love my job. Anytime and anyplace, someone can be missed. Off course I have the perfect appearance for the job. Dirty hair over a pale face with dark eyes. Either I am an alcholic or a vampire? Who has heard of a vampire becoming a PI? The perfect cover up and source of food.
Again my cigarette fades. I am almost out. Two more and I have to look for something else to do. Where is that girl? I followed her here and saw her enter the building across with her lover, the adulterous husband. This was the worst part of the job. The tedious waiting until something happens. After a while you get bored or you get lonely. I am the last kind. How many nights I sat there. Staring at distant lights of houses. Sometimes I tried to get closer, but never close enough to have a good conversation. The hunger made sure of that. In the beginning that was the worst, seeing a human being instead of a prey. As a vampire it is hard to make new friends, but it is harder to keep them alive. I once tried it with a cat. Also a night being, hungry, a lonely predator. It didn’t work, the hunger was too great. Poor Vladimir, he came looking for attention. He got it.
A movement across the street draws my attention. The temptress exits the building in a rush. She looks nervous or scared. Making sure she is not followed she enters a dark alley. Maybe beauty and brains don’t mix after all. It almost seems to easy. I throw away my cigarette and follow her. The echo of her shoes meets me. It sounds like the heartbeat of a wounded animal that tries to escape her hunter. Fleeing for her faith not knowing nobody can run fast enough.
I pick up the pace. My eyes grow accustomed to the night, I see her blond hair waving in the dark.
Afraid she turns around but her human eyes can’t see me. I can hear her breath, swift and irregular. This can not be the temptress as the wife said. Her pale skin shines in the moonlight. My eye is drawn by the soft pulsing of her neck. Blood runs through her veins, fast and hard. Unwillingly I prepare for attack, ready to jump like a predator. Irritated by my reflexes I get up. She looks like my first prey, a young, innocent and very tasty girl. The sorrow festered like fever for days. That was before I became soulless, without feelings. The first year is the hardest. After that a dark silence takes over. No feeling, only hunger.
Annoyed I know I am going to complete mission. The girl would not be found.
Slowly I come out of the darkness and make myself visible under a light. The rain rolls over my hat, finds its way to the ground through my coat. My steps sound hollow in the alley. Fear is written in her eyes and I enjoy every letter.
“What is the matter, sweety? Lost your way?” I ask with a maniac smile. Her voice sounds like the strings of a harp, beautiful, breakable:” Begone, demon of the night!”
Then it hit me like a punch in the face… Demon of the night. She knew. A trap!
But he is to late, the wooden stake broke his spine and pierced his heart. Unexpected the fat wife came out of the dark and impaled him. He can see her grinning while she twists the stake in his body. The pale girl stands there crying in shock. He dies for the second time with his killer laughing over him while a fly lands on his glassy eye.
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I like the darkness within this writing. The words aren’t always perfect, but as you said it’s not your first language. At the start I would avoid repeating the words ‘damn flies’. Mentioning the flies a lot is good and gives an added feel of gloom (similar to the book/film ‘Night Watch’), but you might remove the ‘damn’ from them one time, or it feels a little repetitive.
I’m not a fan of the change in perspective at the end. It is all being narrated by the vampire, and then at the end it switches, and it seems a little wrong. I think it would work better if it was kept from the vampire’s point of view, so he realises the betrayal too late and knows he made a mistake as he dies.
There are some great turns of phrase that I like in there though, such as describing the death of the cat as him wanting attention. I do like the blunt tone of the vampire as he discusses killing as if it were an everyday, hum-drum kind of thing.
If you can go over the individual words a little more closely and maybe tweak the ending, it could be really good (though I’d prefer for him to survive… he’s an interesting character!).
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I never thought of vampires attracting flies, smoking cigarettes either.Good touch.I liked this dark brooding piece of scary.The ending was good also, betrayal, always a nice twist in a twisted tale.I would have liked to know more about the reason of the ugly wife’s betrayal of the vampire.Good images all around.A small book of these would indeed be interesting.
Not bad, kept me reading through to see what would happen next. The only things I could say is that when two different characters speak, give them their own line. The vampire and the blond woman, both had their lines of speech on the same line, and doing that can get confusing. Also, make it a bit more clear you changed point of views; there was a sudden swap right there at the end, and it threw me off some. But otherwise, not bad at all.
-Jake
You have a rather good grasp of the language for English being your second tongue. You might do well to write the story in your native language first, then translate it. It might take longer, but it would make the overall work more concise I believe.
Grammer shows a lot of tense problems, but I can see that it is because English is your second language. Because of that I suggest working with the original language first. Once you have that hashed out nad refined, it should be much easier to translate the language for yourself. Study more of the English grammer and context as you are writing this piece to make it a tight and well written work.
Good luck and Keep working at it.
JIO
Page 1
Without a thought, I light another. Comma placement. Turn on Grammar checker in your word processor and look for green underlines. It’s very helpful.
Second page, (It) still amuses me. Alcoholic. Enter the building across (the street) with her lover, the adulterous husband. Seeing a human being instead of prey (drop the ‘a’).
Page three, complete (my) mission or (the) mission.
I think your writing has potential, and as this is a translation, it does need some work. The story was indeed ineresting and held my attention.Good luck.
As a suggestion for trimming down the number of common phrases in the English language, it pays to get rid of phrases such as “stench of death and decay” which are overused and have no effect on the reader.
That said there are plenty of impressive individual sentences and moments that keep the action flowing here. We can feel the clamminess of the landscape and the sticky throb of the tension in the story.
I believe you are doing well at working through the language barrier to write a great story. It will definitely become something fabulous with a bit more work.
Best of luck,
Harold_P
Not bad. The discriptive imagry is there and as well as the mental imagry of the character. I like the fact that he works as a PI for it is a good twist. I also like the part about the ever-present flies though I think it is alittle unreallistic.
Flies mean decomposition and as a vampire he is dead but no rotting. Maybe I’m wrong—never met a vampire.
I like the twist in the alley and the fact that he is killed again but the way you have it written does not ring true.
The vampires eyes give him the ability to see in the black alley, he would have been able to see the fat woman hiding there, or if she came through a door, he would have heard that also.
This needs to be reworked.
I am courious as to where you are going with this and wish to read more.
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