I think I’m clear what it’s about, though it is a little abstract. I agree that there could be a little more of a punch in that last line, and will think further on’t. Thanks.
Haiku/Senryu / Chaos Theory
hypothetical
spiders flail from dainty strands
fat ink drops spatter
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guild reviewed Version 3 -
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Hello, after reading this haiku a couple of times, the word that really ‘sticks’ out in a line as out of place to me is ‘fat’. I understand what you were trying to convey with that word, which would cause it to ‘spatter’ but, if you replaced it with: ‘black ink drop spatters’, then you would also have ‘color’ in your poem. This would lean itself to the color of the spiders, therefore tying your whole poem together.
I liked your storyline of this haiku because it’s not one I’ve ever read before making it very unique. I did give you a fairly high mark for your rating on this poem.
Best wishes to you.
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gigladstone reviewed Version 3 -
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A true haiku needs a twist or revelation in the last line. It seems like you’re working towards this here, but it’s still a little unc;ear what the poem’s actually about…
Haijin reviewed Version 3 -
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This is a very unusual haiku-senryu. I especially enjoy the last line as there is where the most dynamic action can be found. Well thought out and written.
ashkrafton reviewed Version 3 -
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Oooh! Such a graceful image! I’d personally concentrate on changing the first line, and explore the idea of comparing the spinning spider to the falling ink drop. It may not be the idea you began your lines around, but it is another avenue to explore.
‘Hypothetical’ doesn’t impact upon me, since I’ve happily mused off on a tangent. If you change the title, let me know so I can watch for it in the queue!
metaku reviewed Version 3 -
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This is a lot of fun for a haiku. The first line suggests human activity, so it opens as senryu, but the second line focuses into a larger-than-human perspective, fractal reality has no season. Hypothetical spiders are timeless, as is your haiku image. Beautiful work. I have no changes which could improve this verse. I give it a ten.
metahaiku reviewed Version 3 -
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Fun with the Mandelbrot set!
Smintboyuk reviewed Version 3 -
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Inspired by butterflies and hurricanes? I like ‘dainty strands’. I like also that spiders and ink are so unrelated, they could indeed be linked through ‘chaos theory’. I like this a lot actually. Nice.
haikudo reviewed Version 3 -
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Rhetorical rats
Burrow into foundations
Of poetic cause
Fukuku reviewed Version 3 -
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though the first word is exact, it is shallow on the meaning level, when compared with where you are going in the next two lines, which I love very much.
filbert reviewed Version 3 -
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from a spider’s perspective, they don’t flail
third line is rich; excellent imagery, pretty good for a bit raw
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Version 3
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