Thanks jpatts. I appreciate your feedback.
Poetry / Sonnet
I wish that I could take your pain away,
And put it here upon this weary heart;
To raise my heat and call my God today,
To take your pain makes you of me a part.
I wish to never see a look of grief,
Except to see that guise upon myself;
Your ails I’d give a great and whole relief,
By bringing them upon my very health.
I’d wish to toss with pain all of the night,
To know that in your bed you gently lie;
To see your grief a hopeful end in sight,
Extracts from me a Heaven’s loving sigh.
And now you and yours shall have no pain today,
For my love would love to take your pain away.
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stardust06 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is sweet and understandable. The 4th line of the first stanza kind of stumbles, but maybe that’s the “Shakespearian” style (I’m no expert on Shakespeare, honestly, and embarrassingly I’ve only ever read a couple of his sonnets in a collection of “greatest poems”. That line just seems like you were trying a little to hard to make it rhyme. Maybe just take a little break from it, don’t over-think it too much, give it a little rest, then come back and look at it and see if something genius hits you – sometimes it works!
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jpatts reviewed Version 1 -
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This is good. You create a sense of self-inflicted pain, yet you seem to maintain the gentleness of the attraction, unlike so many dark and negative pieces I’ve read, where people get all emo, dark and/or suicidal when hurt by love. This pain is a positive pain, and I admire that. Good job.
Doctor_Rat reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, not at all sure what to make of this. Technically it does the Shakespearean thing very accurately, but I’m not sure whether it is pastiche [in which case its archaisms make sense] or something strongly felt [in whihc case, that comes over – but the archaisms ring rather strangely]. Would like to know more about thw writer, situation, intention. Very smartly done, but I feel the need to reserve further comment at this stage.
ScarletM reviewed Version 1 -
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I like it a lot. I like the fact it sticks to a theme and develops it. The only thing I would change is “Heaven” in the third from last line. Unless you are an angel (although if you were really like this you would be close) I don’t think you could have a “heaven’s” sigh. Also the next-to-last line I’m not sure about. Because you’ve been writing about a wish and yet this line is a declaration of a fact.
alwyzripped reviewed Version 1 -
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this is beautiful i like the imagery this piece portrays it goes into a deep depth
this has great potential and is in itself a great piece
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