Novel Treatments / Hollow_Book one

I wonder where you plan to go with this. There are a lot of mistakes in spelling, grammar and word structure. Of course, that is the easiest thing to fix. I liked the two sides of the story. The beginning was a good start to grabbing attention of the reader. Embellish on the details. Sounds, smells, atmosphere and such. cannabolism is always intriguing.

I am worried that the whole Lord of the Rings theme is getting tired. The three kingdoms and the names. Jazz them up a bit. Reach outside of what you  know and experiment a little.
Good luck. I think you should continue writing. It will be easier as you go. Take what your peers say tell you and use it. I tend to take things personally but once I set that aside and play with the elements suggested to me I end up with a much more solid work.

I thought that this was a very good story. I like the chain of events that lead up to his being in the room above the bar. As far as characters, The man in white robes seems curious to me. He cares enough to save Bryce from certain death. I wonder what his agenda is. As for Bryce, He gets himself into many sticky situations. He has a sense of humor about it given his situation, evidenced by his comment after he saw a man being killed because his shadow was touching another’s lunch. Although, far from a comedy, I liked what you wrote.

This piece appears to be very abstract.  There are numerous grammer errors. Still needs work.

I’m so glad that you took my previous advice from my review of the last version!

One thing that I’m confused about, is at first, the text looks like it is going to be in poetic form but as the story goes on it kinda fizzles out into normal format. So what is it going to be? I suggest choosing one of them. Except for in the very beginning, I like the format that the prologue is in.

There are a few grammar mistakes in here. But I won’t take the time to point them out because I don’t want to waste your credits and I’m sure some already has or will.

You have a good style of writing in that, you capture your characters thoughts very well. It sounds realistic, or at least as realistic as fantasy allows.

Another thing I noticed is that, its all so very dark. I guess it’s not the kind of book I would normally pick up. But I guess it has to do with the whole gender thing. I don’t think a lot of girls would be particularly interested either. But hey, it kinda reminds me of Brave heart, so I’m sure its fine! Keep up the good work!

p.s. I don’t know if I said this in my last review or not but you have so many Ratings and Rankings up there and they all mean the same thing. Its kind of a hassle for your reviewers to have to click on all those so you might want to remove a few…or most of them.

This story is very poorly written.  Let’s work on making it better.

Intro:
[An introduction occurs in non-fiction.  In fiction we call such a thing a prologue]

Long ago there were three kindoms at war.
[Unless your narrator is a character in the story and they would talk like that, never use passive verbs, including but not limited to is am are was were be being been.  ”Long ago a war took place between three kingdoms.”  Answer these questions in the story: Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?  Does this story take place on Earth?  Why is there a war between these three kingdoms?]

Wydor[:] a warrior race known only for savagery
and lack of mercy to their enemies.
[This is not a complete sentence.  It’s written as though you think the video game WarCraft is a novel.  Who are the Wydor?  Where do they come from?  What do they look like? Why are they so savage, or why are they known to be so savage? How is their lack of mercy known if they’ve never had the mercy to not be savage toward their enemies?]

Dr’per[:] A highly advanced technilogical[<-spell check your work] race
known for their brilliance.
[Another incomplete sentence.  see Wydor questions and reapply them here]

Finally[,] we come to Freus[;]
[We come to Freus?  Who are we?  Is someone telling me this or is this information in a story that I am reading?  If someone is telling me this, who are they? Why are they telling me?  Your narrator is supposed to be the voice of the story, not the voice of the author telling me the story.

a mystic people with unatural[<-spellcheck your work] earthly powers.
[What does “unnatural earthly powers” mean?  If the powers are earthly, they must be natural… or do you mean earthly powers like how we humans can dig up earth and turn it into concrete, alluminum, tar, oil, steel, plastic, and whatever else?]

Though these kingdoms are at war
[WAIT A MINUTE!!!  ”Long ago there were three kindoms at war.” so, past tense these kingdome were at war becomes present tense, these kingdoms are at war.  That’s just laziness on your part, it’s only been four sentences]

that does not pertain to this tale at the moment.
[So what?  If it doesn’t pertain to the tale, why was I informed? There is a method called “show, don’t tell.”  In show don’t tell, rather than just giving information and facts to your reader, as though they enjoy reading non-fiction, you have characters talk about things or notice things and their actions and dialog inform the reader of what is happening in the story]

“As the dawn greets the new day so our journey begins”[<-why does a hooded figure write this and why doesn’t it have anything to do with what is written in the journal?
writes, a hooded figure aside the candles burning flame.
[Aside, or beside?  What candle?  You’re introducing the candle so it is a candle ntil it is used again, which it is not]

Journal entry 1. A.k.a Trent.        

It’s been two weeks since the massacre of  Littlton in the kingdom of
[Is it just me or does this not seem like the sort of thing a person writes in their journal?]

Fruess.
[Do the Freus live in Fruess, or is that a typo?]

So many lives lost needlessly, well that’s what i’m paid to do.
[Well?  Maybe but, however, yet, or a word that suggests the same remorse as is found in the predicate clause]

As a guild member of Wydor’s assassin branch my true name was taken long ago.
[Why is he writing this information in his journal?  Doesn’t he know this?]

Only [through/in/with/] service to the guild will I obtain the right to my name as well my life assuming that I live that long.  One can only hope for the Best.
[See previous comment]

1
Two weeks have passed in littlton since the massacre.
[Yes they have, we’ve already received this information]

For some reason, nothing before that particular incident comes to mind.  
[For whom?  Who is Narrator talking to?]

The new age brotherhood or whatever they call themselves,
call it Abnessia.  
[Who are the New Age Brotherhood, and what does it matter what they call themselves?  What matters is what the people who talk about them call them]

“Now i may get my memory back” they tell me,but i doubt it.
[“They” tell me in their wrods: “I may get my memory back.”  When I talk about people, I do not refer to them as “I”.  I call them “you” or “him/her” I never call them “I” because that would be me referring to myself and not to someone else.  Do people call you “I” when when they’re talking to you?

There are several helpful links on my bio.  I suggest using them.

This is good – I always admire people who can create alternate worlds. I have a hard enough time just getting my own characters to function normally in a world that I have inhabited my entire life.

Your character, while believable, needs some beefing up. Please understand, this is not meant as a negative review, because I really think you’ve got a good thing going here – but in a novel where the world is made up, you need to work even harder to make the CHARACTER real. Your readers are going to want some anchor here – let your main character be the tie that binds them to the world you have created.

I think this is a great start, and hope to read more soon!

Your outline as a whole is good. I did however, got a little confused and had to read the story again. I believe that this have to do with having  journal entries and chapters. In my opinion, the story would flow better if you had either or since the information is the same.

I like this. The only thing that caused me great distress is the lack of grammar. I’m not a grammar major and struggle with it constantly but you must blog/chat something like that a lot because you haven’t used captialization at all and lack punctuation all together in a few places. If you really want to be published, which I think you have a chance with this, you need to tighten up the grammar first and foremost.  

The other thing I feel is missing is descriptions of their surroundings. I mean are there purple clouds with a orange sky… Exageration sorry.. just what does the environment look like what is the main character looking at. An empty room. An empty room, the puke green walls turned his stomach. See the difference. More description in general, I will say this where you have descriptions I like them.

This is an engaging work and look forward to seeing it finished in the polished version.

Your plotline is an interesting one and the saving grace of this piece.  Grammatically, this is a mess, but nothing that can’t be fixed with some careful editing.  I liked your characters, but would like to see more of their inner emotions.  You might want to run this piece through your spellchecker, also.

Long ago there were three kingdoms at war. – there needs to be a comma after “ago”

Dr’per A highly advanced technillogical race- should be “Dr’per, a highly technologically advanced race”

It’s been two weeks since the massacre of  littlton in the kingdom of Fruess. – Littlton is a proper name, so it should be capitalized.

Wydor’s assasin – assassin
well that’s what i’m paid to do. – always capitalize “I”

The homes of my neighborhood all lay in burnt ruin. – “Homes” is a personal thing, while “neighborhood” is less personal.  It should read either “houses in my neighborhood” or “homes of my neighbors”.  Since he can’t remember his neighbors, I would choose the less personal option.

You may call me Bryce. – Why did he choose this name?  Was it chosen for him?  Was it a name on a sign (like Bryce Street) that he first saw when he awoke to find his memory gone?

erie silence – eerie

“Why your going to be joining us for dinner” my captors reply with a strange wicked grin appearing on their faces. – this sentence doesn’t flow quite right.  I doubt the captors all spoke in unison.  It should read, “Why, you’re going to be joining us for dinner,” one of my captors replies, while his companions stood watching with stangely wicked grins appearing on their faces.

The stranger and i Gathered up what little food we could find – would this be leftovers from their last victim?  Ewww.  You might want to clarify that a little so the reader doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Weaponless there was nothing i could do as the soldiers preceded to cut her down. – should read, Weaponless, there was nothing I could do as the soldiers proceeded to cut her down.

Overall, I think you’ve got a good story here.  You might want to expand upon it, and lengthen your chapters a bit.  Do a careful edit with an eye towards spelling and commas, and you’ll do fine.  I wish you the best of luck with this.