Humor/Satire / Letter to Poe
Adolf Hitler
Chancellor of the Weimar Republic
2625 Schnitzel Way
State of Berlin
January 31, 1933
Dear Mr. Edgar Allen Poe:
It is as if we are conjoined in a time-defying bond, Edgar. For I, Adolf Hitler, am your most ardent admirer, and I understand your innermost feelings, for such feelings I have felt too.
Ooo, how the cruel winds of time have stripped from me all things pleasant! How the hands of war have savagely beaten all the green out of the forests I longed to dance in, and all the life out of those I longed to love! Is it not strange, my Edgar, that the sorrows of my life resonate in the stories of your characters, and-dare I say it?-in the tale that is Mr. Poe himself?
I remember when I first read your Annabelle Lee. What a wondrous potion to my wounded soul! Ah, to know that another understands the way I hurt inside! Those winds of time ravaged me and my people’s Handmaiden, Germany. I weep for her, much like your man for Annabelle Lee. And many a night have I lain awake over forgotten lore-of Lanz von Liebenfels-in the vain pursuit of a surcease of sorrow, sorrow for the lost Geli Raubal.
And how the rhythm and rhyme of your poetry is like the Nile of Abyssinia; so many ebbs and flows that captivate my senses with alliterative flourishes. Then there are the oncoming torrents of your literary rapids; the terrifying reverberations of Madeline never cease to haunt me-and remind me to be wary of those with, “A nose of delicate Hebrew design,” lest I be buried alive by the slings and arrows of their outrageous treacheries!
I once wondered, in my times of introspection, how a man could be so finely attuned to my every emotion. To quell the curiosity that enslaved my waking moments, I quested into the annals of the dusty past to find the true Edgar. Now I see! Now I can understand the source of our preternatural link! To remember the beatings of my father, and the abuse of my mother; it fills me with pains no person ever suffered before-or so I believed.
But the injuries inflicted upon you-no dissimilarity between us can possibly be conceived! Your father’s abandonment was barbarous; and it saddens me, the way your saintly mother was crushed by the ravages of abuse and of disease, much like my mother Germany was crushed by the evil Jews. Then our loves, your Virginia, and my Geli; ooo, how viciously the assassin Fate silenced their lyrical voices evermore! Both our arts misunderstood; both our lives subject to the trials and tribulations of poverty. It is no wonder our bond is so powerful!
And now that I am blessed with prosperity, and out of the clutches of poverty, I wish I could pick up the palette and join you in the eternal brotherhood of creative brilliance! But these are desperate times, and my people, the people of Germany, do not need the Bohemian. They do not need the soft words of my soft ingenuity. No, they need an unyielding man: a hard man: a firm man of firm conviction. I cannot express my inner, true artist, lest I forsake my mother Germany in the same manner with which we both empathize too personally. So I shall fight on, with the masculine vigor necessitated by the capricious vicissitudes of state, while I secretly continue to venture forth, into the romantic tribulations of your penned protagonists.
I wish that we could have lain down on a beach, or beneath the shadow of an oak tree, to converse plainly on the emotions buried within our partnered souls. But alas, the cruel currents of time and the duties of manhood have torn us apart. So, from the most private and closeted regions of my heart, I thank you Edgar, for thinking my thoughts, and expressing them in ways I must not.
Eternally yours,
Adolf Hitler
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this is truly disturbin like the fact you dont concur with the piece as a satire i found it amusing and quaint this is really good work and has potential keep it up don’t give up work on punctuation
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This was a ridiculous piece, that will offend people. It was well written, stylish and a lot of fun. I love to offend, but in a classy way. You could easily write a bunch of these for a book of letters (fiction of course), it would be fun. The writing is very classy and educated as well, it’s almost believable. This must have taken a while to write, I didn’t see any grammar or syntax issues either. A delightful, mischievous romp into satire.
Well, it’s been many a year since I read “Mein Kampf” as a teenager, but I do remember thinking it was the wordiest, most self-indulgent thing I’d read…and I think you do capture that well here!
Was Hitler gay? If so I do think he might have been attracted to Poe!
It’s sad that German Romanticism was so easily corrupted into racist nationalism.
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