Haiku/Senryu / Lost Harvest

thanks for your review. Your right. It’s an unfinished work and I felt even in posting it that there was something missing between stanza 3 and 4. And I’m not sure what to do with the little girl. In one sense she is as much the “lost harvest” as the forgotten landscape itself. But how is she lost? Or does she represent hope in the lost harvest as the seeds might represent. I’m not sure what I want to do with her or what I want to say. I am  working hard to keep it from becomign creepy. The inspiration for this image was watching my daughter walk through deer trails and watching her blend in the sweeping grasses.

Thanks for your review. Glad you enjoyed it.

Thank you. I’m glad it was meaningful to you. I wish you the same for this new year.

I have read with some interest those who say that
the girl leaves a question mark for them, and that you,
yourself, feel some question as to her identity.
If you leave her ambiguous, she could be the muse of the field,
the personification of the spirit of the grasses as they move
toward winter with her visit the reminder of the coming Spring.
Her flaxen hair mixing with the straw shows her connection
to the life of the field and that it closes over means
you never get to see her face, keeping her a mystery,
which is a powerful device to get the reader to
put something of themselves into the work and leave,
like the little girl, their own mark on the work.
This has a hauntingly lyrical quality
I can’t see how you could improve on it.
But once you decide who this little girl
is to you, then I’d love to see
what you do to the piece.
Thanks for sharing.
E~

Thanks for your insight here and taking the time to dig.

Do you think the point of view is a little abrupt between stanza 3 and 4?

I’m at an interesting crossroads with this piece. On one hand I am trying to prevent it from becoming dark and glooming which seems to be the natural course of the words, while wanting to incorporate the fear of a parent losing one’s daughter (which is the actual feeling I had when my daughter and I were on this walk), and while wanting to add a message of hope which one could say is what the blown seeds represent in a aimless, by-chance kind of way.

Sorry it took me so long to respond on this, but somehow
you got lost in my comment queue.
Here is my long overdue response:
I don’t find the shift from stanza
2 to 3 distracting in the least.
It is like the cut in a movie scene…
not from say the city to the country,
but from a flower in a garden to the fountain
or the cut from the eyes to the lips.
I think that the piece seems a bit dark
in the beginning, but that there is somehow
also this hope that is strung throughout
the piece and with the ‘little feet’
is the promise of new growth, new hope, new life!
I do love this piece as it stands, so I might not
be the best person to ask.

Thanks.

I agree that some of the lines do not fit the 3 lines of haiku.

Naked copse – is a copse at the end of autumn.

I like your compression above.

There’s more I want to say with this poem, I’m trying to use haiku to keep if tight. So in the end it may not be haiku. Thanks for taking the time to review it.

Yes, I felt a connection is needed between stanza three and four. Thanks for your review.

I think that she of the flaxen hair was not a woman,
but a young girl.
Interesting how the creative mind works.
And I don’t think she had any need to be there
she was simply there and that is good, too,
because it allows you to exercise your mind
without being led the entire way.

Thanks for your review.

Naked copse – The trees and shrubs lose it’s leaves and become bare because it’s autumn.

It’s a combination of her hair blending wtih the straw with the straw closing over her as she walks in and in essence hiding her from the reader’s view. I’m not particularly fond of this last stanza.  I know it needs works.

Yes, I did mean small feet wander in the tall grasses. What are you suggesting? You don’t like this line?

Remove the period from the end of the second line of the “tall grasses” stanza. I think it’s supposed to be one sentence. I would get rid of some of the capitalization too; technically it’s incorrect grammar if it’s not the beginning of a new sentence.

I’ve seem poetry where every line was capitalized, but I think you’re right. Thanks for the feedback.

Glad you want more. It’s not really finished. I’m not sure what to do with the girl yet. She’s actually my 6 year old daughter, so it’s it’s interesting that you read it with a women and not a child. I will have to think about if the age/size of the women is important. I’m using Haiku now to keep my verse tight, so long as it doesn’t restrict the story. Thanks for taking the time to review this piece.